Stages?

What do you mean by stages? I think every couple is different, even hetero ones.

 

Personally, I think the base system is bullshit, and so does everyone else I know over the age of 14 (maybe 16 at most). Even heterosexuals I know do not use this system unless they are teenagers or 100% virgins. Most adult heterosexuals I talk to view the base system as juvenile and immature. They just jump right into what seems right to them.

Oral sex is pretty much sex to me and I don't consider anyone a virgin after they've done, it especially if you're talking about sex between women (and even men, as not all men do anal). Het couples are maybe a gray area- they value penetration more simply because it can create pregnancy.

But penetration isn't a "full on, big time sex" to everyone, not even to some heterosexuals (even if that's the only thing they count as virginity loss). Oral sex can be beautiful, intimate and serious, penetration can be casual, meaningless, or a joke. I even know some heterosexual women who are willing to be penetrated on a one night stand or even a first date, but refuse to do oral sex until they fall in love. So It's definitely not something even the majority follows at all.

 

Oh, I'm not bashing you or anything for being curious. I'm just stating what I think about it.

 

I think if you're going by the stages you mentioned its really not that different for same sex relationships. You can do all of those things in a same sex relationship. However, I agree with creativemind that everyone's view of the most "intimate" is different, some view oral as more intimate than penetration and with others its the other way around.

 

Hey AshBl32,

Personally, I agree with CreativeMind that the 'base system' is BS. It is an artificial construct developed by guys who want to 'keep score.'


What you need to consider when being intimate with at partner is what you are comfortable with and what he/she is comfortable with. The bottom line is that you should never do anything that YOU are not comfortable doing. You develop a relationship with another person gradually and only engage in intimate acts when/if it feels right doing so. There is not 'right' answer and there are no rule books. But the rule-of-thumb in my book is that you never do anything that makes you uncomfortable/doesn't feel right - and in order to make that work, you have to have open and honest two-way communication with your partner at all times.

I don't know it that helps...

 

Yeah, totally agree with the others. There's nothing wrong with valuing things in a certain order, and if it works for you, that's fine.

My criticism toward this isn't me trying to imply that nobody can follow stages, but that pushing them as socially correct can be problematic. They are a huge issue for lesbians since most lesbians don't/can't penetrate each other (we don't have dicks after all and not everyone likes strap-ons) so oral sex is our "real, full blown sex". When oral sex is seen as lesser than penetration socially, it contributes to homophobia toward lesbians (for example: Men thinking we can't have real sex, so they should try to "cure" us, or that it's ok for their girlfriends to sleep with us). Also, women in general, even het women, are more likely to experience pleasure and orgasm through oral than through penetration. Only 25% of women can orgasm from penetration, so over valuing penetration also excludes female pleasure and makes the situation all about what the man wants.

What's more important than keeping score or following a stage is to just do what YOU want to do when you feel ready to do it. Sex is unique and everyone has different preferences.