I'm a pretty lonely guy and I've never been good at friendships, but for about a year I've had a best friend who has been one of the most influential people in my life. She helped me come out and has been my confidant and advice-giver in many difficult situations. Currently, though, I'm not sure where our friendship stands, for two reasons. The first is her partner. I love this person as well, but we're not quite as close. I had my first sexual experience with a guy recently, and when it wasn't quite what I had imagined it would be, I told the both of them that I thought maybe I wasn't gay after all (but I am, as I reassured them soon after). I think this scared the partner, who decided to first grill me about whether I was possibly bi, and then to give me some really heavy advice about putting myself out there and meeting other gay guys. The advice was actually good and I may well be imagining it's connection to my previous comment, but I've also never seen this person act so pushy and aggressive before. We were in a public place and frankly I was embarrassed and hurt by the way I was spoken to. The second reason is that my friend and I are fairly opposite in terms of personality. I am shy and often repressed, and I have trouble meeting new people. I have a close circle of friends and I devote lots of time and affection to them. She, on the other hand, is able to meet and charm anyone and everyone. I've never met anyone like her. She seems to have friends everywhere. The effect of this is that sometimes I think we're best friends, and then I see her interact with other people and suddenly I feel like I'm just one of many and nothing that special after all. Like maybe all this time I had merely imagined that we were really close, when she was just treating me like anyone else. Worse, we're both in college and spend loads of time together during the semester, but when break comes I don't hear much from her. I guess she's spending time with other people. In the meantime, I get super lonely and struggle to remember that I'm worth something on my own. We do hang out occasionally, but I'm afraid to push her because I don't want to be clingy and annoying. She always initiates spending time together; when I try, she seems not to have time or not to feel like hanging out. I guess I still have a hard time figuring out what friendship really is. Or maybe our differences make us too much of a mismatch. I feel jealous when I see her being as easy and intimate with so many other people as she is with me. I realize that's stupid and wrong of me, but I can't help it. It's not that I want to be her only friend, so please don't misunderstand. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm important to her and then all of a sudden more or less disposable. Maybe I just needed to vent a bit. :icon_redf But any observations or advice would be welcome. I try to enjoy being on my own, but I just feel so lonely and empty all the time. I'm starting to hang out with other friends a little more, which helps, but I rarely initiate because I'm afraid of bothering them. I just can't seem to make meaningful connections like my friend can.
Hey Grounded Eagle, Maybe you should try to get out/circulate a bit more. Perhaps by joining a group that does something you're interested in, developing a hobby, etc. In terms of your close circle of friends, perhaps you should step back from time to time and try to objectively view your interaction with them. Your best friends partner sounds like she took your statement that you might not be gay as a threat to her relationship with your best friend. Her reaction sounds like jealousy, but at least if she gave you sound advice, that was good. That would perhaps indicate that her relationship with your best friend is still developing or rather tenuous at the moment. It also sounds like your best friend is balancing her life with a lot of things going on to include developing a relationship with her partner, school, her friendship with you, etc. From what you wrote it seems like she is super busy right now, but she intentionally makes time to spend with you - thus your friendship would appear to be solid. If she's literally busy with lots of things in her life (and her relationship with her partner has to come first, I think you would agree), then it's hardly surprising that, if she is making time to do things with you as often as she can, the other times when you try to initiate something, she's bound to be busy most of the time. If you are truly worried about your friendship with your best friend, talk to her about it. Is it possible that you are being too needy or clingy? Yes, of course. Especially if you have no one else to really talk to freely. And, of course, you owe it to her to give her the space she needs to have her own life and relationships. You can't monopolize her time, right? Open communication is always a key element in any relationship. Is it possible that you really ARE jealous of your best friend's relationship with others - to include her partner? Is it possible that you have come to rely on her SO much that the fact that she has her own life and you haven't found a bf yet is actually a problem for you? Imagine, if you will, that you have a bf. With whom would you choose to spend most of your time? Your best friend or your bf? I would predict that when you have a bf, things will balance out better between you and your best friend, but in the meantime, the both of you need to continue to have open communication and you should (hopefully) both be aware that you can't monopolize your best friend's time and be happy for her and her partner. In terms of doing things with others, I would ask, do you tend to plan things in advance or are you more of an impulsive type of person? People leading busy lives tend to be less impulsive. If most of your friends have busy lives, perhaps try setting up events with them (meeting for fun or food or whatever) several days or a week-plus in advance. Just some thoughts.
