Very confusing first lesbian crush HELP ME PLEASE

Hello

So I am in my early 20's and I am finally coming to the realization that my attraction to women is more than just thinking they are beautiful. My admiration has now evolved into romantic feelings and longing. Its women everywhere, on the train, at work, events, its become overwhelming. I rarely check men out now. I met someone I cannot get out of my head. The first time i saw her was about a year and a half ago which was a time I never really considered dating women really but when i saw her my knees literally went weak. I had no idea what that was about. We had mutual acquaintances but I never spoke to her and didnt see her at all for a year. I forgot I ever saw her. Fast forward a year, I met her at a party she threw where they had a dance contest and I won! Ever since then we've been friendly. After the party she would throw more parties at a place I worked so we become friendlier and one day she asked to teach me how to dj. I quickly said HELL YES!

She is older than me by 8 years so theres that. I don't mind the age difference I am just worried I am unprepared to date a grown woman when I'm just a young whipper snapper. Since she is older I assumed she wanted to be more of a mentor to me because she said the word "mentor". I didn't care what she called it i just wanted and needed to be wherever she was. We did a few lessons and things got off track because she became way busier and we stopped seeing each other for lessons. She sincerley tried to give me a boost so that I can start playing shows of my own. She was literally giving me a platform to do what I want. At the first session she did make a pass at me after she complained about her then gf. She said "What about us?" jokingly and became paralyzed with fear because I wanted her so bad. I blurted out "Its too late ha ha..." awkwardly and she said "yeaaah" we laughed it off.

Since then she has broken up with her gf and has gotten a new one and have broken up with the new one!Both girlfriends were really weird around me and she has told me both of them have started arguments with me being the topic. We have never really hung out we have always just seen each other at events so we haven't built a relationship that could threaten any of her gfs feelings. i assumed it was something she was telling them. All throughout that time I have been seeing her out here and there stealing moments with her at shows she plays. I could never bring myself to flirt with her. its so hard, she energizes me, she literally glows when I look at her, she fills me up and I dont know why or how. I dont know if she even feels slightly the same. I dont even know her really. I think its safe to say that she has always been very nice to me every time she seen me always telling me that I am m beautiful and giving me compliments.

When I get close to her I cant breathe, my stomach turns to stone, and I literally lose all train of thought. i think of her all the time and it's so wonderful but exhausting. I even have the most intense dreams about her and they wake me out of my sleep. When I go out sometimes I see things and I wonder if she would like it. When we are alone we barely say much to each other but its like I can feel something(my anxiety tells me that she gives no crap about me and that i shouldn't dear try). When we are around other people its easier for us to talk to each other. Its like I feel comfortable with other ppl as buffers. I am so afraid to tell her.

She has said things to me like "I am your friend" "I want to get to know you" "I am not going anywhere" "i believe in you""don't push me away" but all of it is said under the pretense of "I want to be your mentor". I'm not sure if she used the mentor excuse just to get close to me? what do you think?

She did ask me if i was interested in women on more than one occassion and I shy away from the question but inside i was screaming "TAKE ME NOW!". Once I gave her a poster ,she was so happy and said "I love you this is the best gift ever!". In my head I was thinking omg I LOVE YOU TOO but out loud I said "ha...ha... your welcome" *awkward smile*. She the problem here?

Yesterday I told her that I didn't want to have any contact with her anymore because recently she has been really trying to come into my life as a "friend" and I want more but I cant tell her. I have been dealing with major depression and dont have a support system. She asked so I told her. She is really busy with her career traveling a lot and focusing on her goals. So when I do contact her it just feels like she is ignoring me. She doesn't care but I know she might now be ignoring me and may be genuinely busy. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't want the burden a depressed person weighing her down and I get that. I think being in love is just what i need. To be honest I would ok with just being her friend aI l just have this huge urge to be close to her. She is like the sun to me. I feel like she thought I would be easier. I just told her to leave me alone because I couldn't stand the pain of feeling like I'm in love with her but can barely speak when she is around. She is also struggling with depression and other things. I guess it's a bad time for anything romantic to happen?

I guess I am writing this to ask how do I tell her how I feel? Does she like me? Will it work? Do I really have a connection with her or am I just going through the first crush blues?

Please help me out!

THank you,


-BBRudeGyal
xoxo

 

Thank you for responding!
I sent her a message apologizing for pushing her away but she hasn't responded. I think she is over me pushing her away and emotionally unstable. She is too busy to care. She has her own life and needs people in it that can give her joy and happiness not people like me. Thanks for your help.

 

I sent the message yesterday. Her family lives in another country. She told me once that she is sad about her mom not accepting her as a lesbian so they don't communicate very well. She said she usually spends the holidays with her friends and sometimes she chooses to be alone. She invited me over for Thanksgiving and it was just her and I. She was in a horrible mood that day and wouldnt really engage with me at all. we sat in silence watching a movie not interacting for about 2.5 hours watching this movie. I tried to engage in conversation but she was just not into it. She was in a gloomy mood because her gf who she thought really liked her just up and dumped her out of nowhere and she was terribly heartbroken. On thanksgiving she only responded positively when the girl who broke up with her called her and she said to her "*insert my name here* is here" as if to get the girl jealous. They had a conversation for about a half hour and that entire time she was so happy. I was so excited that she invited me over for thanksgiving because I have spent the last 11 thanksgivings on my own. I was really sad when I realized there was nothing I could do to make her feel better. Me being there didn't seem to matter to her so I left after the movie was over. I couldn't stand being there feeling like my presence meant nothing. Long answer short I think she is just ignoring me.

 

ugh right so heart wrenching. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. SHE CALLED ME TODAY! She heard from a friend that I was depressed so she gave me a call. :dry:I was excited but also disapointed that it took her thinking I was gonna kill myself to use my number finally. Yada yada yada we talk about how we were feeling about depression etc. She also told me that she is not going to go out of her way to entertain a lot of things because she has her own problems and has to take care of her self and mange her career. So i knew what she meant. She was saying she didn't think i was worth the effort. she maybe doesn't think that i can bring enough to the table. Then she was trying to get off of the phone with me because she had to move her car(rough parking rules where we are) so I told her I had to tell her something and I told her! I said it! I said I've been holding this in for a long time and I must release this so that I can feel better and communicate with you better. I told her I've had the most intense crush on her and about how beautiful i think she is, and that she was my first ever real lesbian crush. She listened very closely and then she began to laugh and laugh and laugh and then she said "wow I could never tell by the way we interact" laughs some more and say "wow I'm very flattered!" laughs some more and then I say "ok now you can go move your car" and we part ways lmao. I don't think she likes me like that ya'll. She is just flattered. I think im still confused because i really really want her so I keep finding excuses to hold onto her possibly liking me in that way too. Like for example even though she laughed at me when i told her my feelings i still hold on to little things like times hen she would talk about how much she likes to perform cunningulus on more than one occassion. I guess none of it really meant anything. To be honest I did end it with "but yeah I don't think I'm trying to do anything about it" because i wanted to block the rejection that was maybe coming. She never said no but when people have told me they have crushes on me and I didn't like them back I usually Laughed and said I was flattered too.

 

thanks for replying!

 

It was so hard to say but i figure i have nothing to lose. so i said it and now I'm obsessing over it and i know she is probably sleeping like a baby rn lol its night tie where I'm at. *SIGH*

 

This is a great comment!Thank you I didnt think of it as being brave. (!) You can, will, and are made of up courage! You probably do things eery week that involve bravery. (&&&)

---------- Post added 25th Dec 2016 at 11:04 PM ----------

ugh thank you so much for steadily replying to this entire thread you literally helped me through this and this was my first post on here ever! (!) :eusa_danc