1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Abusive friendship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by riles, Dec 27, 2016.

  1. riles

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2016
    Messages:
    2
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Melbourne
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    ( CW: Cursing, Abusive relationship, Suicide )

    Hello all, this isn't really LGBT related but I still want to ask the question.

    I have this friend who I think might be abusive (for privacy sake I'm going to call him 'Tom'). Tom is one of my best friends, I love him to pieces but I think I may need to get out of this friend ship. I talked to my therapist about Tom and she said it sounds like he might have BPD.
    I don't want to seem like a bad person but Tom has these 'episodes' where his anxiety or depression flares up or he has a BPD episode he becomes really aggressive, to the point he spams me with texts where he's just like 'Fuck you, you're a really bad friend' for doing very minor things and if i get upset at that he does apologise but nothing ever changes and its been like this for months. He constantly tells me he's going to kill himself (5 or so times a day) and I'm worried that one time he won't be doing that so i'll talk to him and kill himself.

    I tried talking to him about this and told him that I want to be there to support him but I can't handle his aggressive outbursts anymore, he said he'd get better but this was a month ago and he hasn't changed at all.

    It gotten to the point I need to consider getting out of this relationship but he told me if I stopped talking to him, he'd kill himself so there's nothing I can really do.

    I'd greatly appreciate some advise or support, thank you for reading
     
  2. Gravity

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2011
    Messages:
    321
    Likes Received:
    256
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If you've talked to him and told him that things need to change, and they haven't changed, then that's the clearest sign you're going to get. Threatening suicide is of course a standard controlling tactic - I can't speak to his actual state of mind or willingness to harm himself, but this is very commonly used to prevent people from leaving romantic relationships.

    I think you're at a point where it's okay to say that you need to avoid contact with him. This can/should include blocking him online/on phone if necessary.
     
  3. Sebby45

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 3, 2015
    Messages:
    710
    Likes Received:
    58
    Location:
    The Black Order
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi riles,

    Your friend "Tom" does sound like BPD candidate. Emotional changes like aggressiveness and manipulative behavior (i.e. talking about killing themselves if you leave.) People with BPD have a hard time with letting go of others because they have abandonment issues, so they will try anything to make you stay.

    However, only a therapist can help and diagnose your friend. I would suggest to them, in as non-confrontational a manner as possible, that they should seek professional help. What they decide is up to them. But that is the only way they can start to change their life around.

    I do agree with Gravity though. This person is not in a right state. They are, in short, highly unstable. This makes for a toxic relationship, one that could potentially get dangerous for you. Distance yourself from "Tom" and block him out of your life. I know that this will be difficult, but you don't deserve to be controlled by someone else. You cannot be his support, if his behavior already drains you. That is why a good therapist would be the answer IMHO.

    Sebby45
     
  4. Creativemind

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2015
    Messages:
    3,281
    Likes Received:
    411
    Location:
    Somewhere
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You might be better off without him....at least until he gets help. Only he can help himself.
     
  5. BBRudegyal

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2016
    Messages:
    26
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York City
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Hey,

    I understand what you are going through. I struggle with Major depressive disorder and anxiety. Recently I have been going through a down period and have said things to friends and on the internet insinuating that I was going to end my life. Half of me believed I wanted to die and the other half just wanted so badly for someone to be there with me. Be there with my physically, mentally, and emotionally. There was a very deep ache in my body that was the depression and the anxiety and all I wanted was for it to stop. I wanted the pain, the loneliness, and the negative thoughts to go away. I imagine this is what its like for your friend. I don't know what BPD is like so I know I may not have experienced what he is feeling to the same lengths. In that time I have said things to friends like "I'm going to kill myself" and I may have been using it as bait just to get people be there because I didn't want to be alone or face my negative thoughts. Since then I have realized that those actions were my true feelings at the moment and that these feelings don't last forever. I din't mean to hurt anyone I just was reaching out too aggressively and irrationally. I realized I who was so hurt have been hurting others around me with my words and actions. I have since then apologized to all who I have been abusive to and I asked them to hold me accountable for my actions. We have to treat the people we love with love.

    You need to talk to your friend and tell him how much you care about him. Tell him that you know he cares about you too but sometimes it doesn't seem like it. Tell him you want to be there for him. Also tell him you will always try your best but you cannot be there all of the time. Ask him to respect you and your time. Let him know that you dont need to be there for him to be ok. Tell him you will have to hold him accountable for his actions if he does it again and it is not because you dont care about him but because you have to also protect yourself and your mental/emotional health.

    If he continues you will have to retreat and save yourself i the end. You will be no good to him if you also become mentally and emotionally unstable.

    suggest therapy to him. he really needs it.
     
  6. Behaviorist

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2016
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I know it's incredibly painful, but I couldn't agree more with the above statement. Boundaries matter for a reason.
     
  7. bookreader

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 27, 2014
    Messages:
    2,748
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Suburbs
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I agree with everyone else. He could be dangerous to you and your health. He is the only one who can fix himself.
     
  8. Poppy43

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2013
    Messages:
    132
    Likes Received:
    2
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Hi There, I had something a bit similar with a woman that I couldnt get rid of. She would be really bullying towards me calling me names etc or letting her friends abuse me and when I got upset shed do nothing. I tried for years to back off but she kept coming round to my house with various things and making excuses to see me.
    Eventually things go so bad, I couldnt take her swearing and carrying on at me any longer and I told her and she swore at me and attacked me. Since then I've also had to get the police out to her as she has been harrassing me in the street. Fortunatley things have now calmed down.
    So your not on your own with this by any means, what I would do is send him a letter or email telling him you cant continue with him like he is and that he needs professional help and wish him well. Then block him off everything and move on with your life. If he does kill himself then its not your responsibility. Take care and get rid of him.