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Friend joining separate friend circle

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by MrPotato, Dec 27, 2016.

  1. MrPotato

    Regular Member

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    This is a long story... but I hope it is interesting.

    I wanna start off by saying that I'm 24 and the friend in my story is 26. Okay, so back in 2014 I came out to my family as well as some friends... This particular friend (Ria) for some reason kept contacting me, despite our friendship having diminished a lot since we spoken last. So me and this girl go wayyyy back, like middle school back, and then we grew apart bc I kinda always just moved on from friendships as I grew older. Well in 2014 we reconnected in college since she wouldn't stop trying to contact me. I gave in and since I was vulnerable from my fresh coming out experience, I wanted all the support I could get. So, from that day on, we started hanging out again and all of a sudden we were BFFS.
    Now, since I worked on campus and was active in student organizations and met a lot of people daily, I ended up becoming friends with another gay guy (Gio) who was my mentor for our school's LGBT organization. Gio and I established our friendship in about 2 months and he invited me to a gay club for the first time. It was awkward, and as the night ended I made a move on him bc I was a bit buzzed and I guess I wanted attention. It was just an innocent goodnight kiss. Well, fast forward to a couple of weeks later and I had the idea of having Ria meet Gio. I mean having my BFF and my new friend united was gonna be awesome... or so I thought.

    Well, another month passed and it turns out Ria caught feelings for Gio, and she called me, and called me, and called... and cried, and cried, and called and cried. I was determined to keep her secret a secret because I'm a good friend. Well I fucked up... after 2 months of dealing with phone calls at 2am about a girl obsessed with a gay man... I broke. I told him, he was cool about it and said he wouldn't say anything. Then, I had to right my wrong and so I told her what I did. She said she could never trust me again and that I hurt her and she didn't want to be my friend anymore. I, of course, was upset... especially at myself since I did something I wasn't supposed to.

    Anyhow... now Ria and Gio stay in touch, and Gio and I don't talk anymore. I wish I knew why, but I think their personalities are a better match for a friendship than Gio's and my own. Well that's one friend that I lost to Ria... okay fine.. won't make that mistake aga...
    hmmm, 2015, I still work on campus and Ria and I are in good terms... she visits me at my job some days, and gets to mingle with my coworkers and some of my acquaintances. One of those acquaintances (Bec) catches Ria's attention and she becomes obsessed with becoming her friend. This year I got invited to Bec's party at a nightclub and decide to invite Ria since I know she wants to be friends with her. At this party, there's this guy I know from college and he's drunk and asks Ria to dance... they dance and exchange snapchats. There's also another guy I know and he and Ria also exchange contact info... why do I know this and why do I care? well, Ria constantly texts me about these guys and I get annoyed... shit like "omg XX has so many friends, I should be more acquainted to him" or "I should've let XX into my life... he was grinding on me so hard that night"... I'll admit that it annoys me that she's only meeting these people because of me, but I hate being petty and I don't want to blatantly tell her this.

    She knows tho... and I know she knows bc she's told me before "my friend XX, is just like you helpwithaclingyfriend... she doesn't like other people befriending her friends" I don't remember my reply to her... but I guess it wasn't that big of a deal bc we are still friends to this day.

    Now Bec invites her to every event I get invited to as well, and it annoys me to no end bc now Ria plans things to do with my friends and I am unaware of it until she tells me over the phone. Gosh I sound like a jealous teenager... but I wasn't this person, I promise. See, Ria has other friends as well, and apparently she keeps it to herself... as in, she never invites me to hangout with her separate circle of friends. Also, she once told me "Im scared of losing you as a friend, because I already know that you meet people easily and they can take you away from me" that statement made me both angry and sad.

    The other day she calls me and says "I hope you dont mind but Bec and I hung out last weekend" like she's trying to trigger my jealousy or something... ugh. The cherry on top was her saying "I wanna be closer friends with your friend XX". This after I went on a weekend vacation, out of town, with XX and other people. I guess I learned my lesson and decided to leave Ria out of the picture this time.

    Needless to say, I don't really know what's happening to me. Why do I still talk to Ria? besides her clinginess, she's still a cool friend... and a bit of a sister to me. Am I in the wrong here? is it bad for me to want to keep her separated from my other friends?
    I think I just wanted to write this out because I feel guilty or whatever. I am a jealous person, but I never thought my friend Ria would overstep my boundaries and start becoming too close to my friends. Now I don't know where to go from here... I feel as if I say something I will only be seen as a sore loser who doesn't understand friendships.

    The end.
     
  2. bookreader

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    I think you should just let her go. That's how I see it.
     
  3. meistro

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    personally it doesn't bother me when my friends become friends with my other friends lol as long as there is no drama, I could care less...and my friends know me well enough to not get me involved with it anyways, they know I don't give a crap about it...almost all of my friends are guys and their all straight so we don't really do drama anyways lol...it doesn't seem to me like ria is starting drama, it seems like she just wants to be friends with your friends and that could be a sign that she just wants to be more involved in your life...as for her keeping her friends away from you...I don't really know what to make of that...if she really goes out of her way to keep them away from you, she might be hiding something or she may just not like the idea of the intermingling lol
     
  4. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

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    Personally, I'd never keep a friend like Ria. From what you describe, it sounds like she is clingy, needy, has no boundaries, and your relationship with her sounds codependent, like you are constantly taking care of her... but probably not a lot is happening for you in return. That's pretty unhealthy. And people with no boundaries can't stand it when their friends get healthy and impose boundaries, so things usually end up getting ugly and they flounce off in a huff. (Often to try multiple times to reconnect and suck you back in.)

    You sound like the sort of person that can make good friends fairly easily. If it were me, I'd either let the friendship with Ria die on the vine (which might be hard), or have a difficult conversation and simply say that it doesn't seem like it's a good fit for the two of you any more. And then connect more closely with the friends in your circle, cultivate new friends, and simply avoid activities where Ria will be involved.

    I suspect this will be really difficult; if I've assessed the codependency accurately, it will be difficult for you to detach because you're feeling like you need to "take care" of her... which is exactly why it's dysfunctional. I don't know if I've assessed this accurately or not, but if so... it's usually very difficult to change these relationships and make them healthy, because the other person usually isn't that interested in changing. Which is why letting them go is usually the only choice.

    In any case, in spite of what I would do... only you can know what the right thing to do is. And that has to be based, at the end of the day, on *your* needs. Not hers. If having her friendship genuinely makes you happy, then by all means make it work. But if you continue to have difficulty, try to remember that whatever action you choose to take, that *your* needs are the ones you look out for first.