I am a 21, gay male and a virgin by choice. I have always accepted my sexiuality and never had any problems with it. For a while now i have been on many dating apps trying to find someone consistent like a boyfreind or even a fwb. I find many guys interested in me and I find many I am interested in. We talk for a while and then suddenly they just stop talking to me. Majority of them are not looking for anything serious which makes it harder for me. I am sick and tired of this! Also I seem to attract alot of closeted guys who end up running away. The last guy I was involved with was extremely closeted but promised we would be a "power interracial couple." When we met and he got what he wanted he switched up, showed less attention, and swore that he never wanted a relationship in the first place when in actuality he initiated the idea of us being together. I am actually still struggling with this since it left me heartbroken but thats a LONG story for another post. I spoke to two guys a few days ago. One extremely closeted as well and the other claimed he was bisexual and actually was in a full blown hetero relationship (I found out later through facebook). We spoke over the phone and we seemed to click. I texted them and they completely ignored my texts till now. I am not into random meaningless sex. I have never done that and don't plan on doing it. I just want someone consistent but no one seems to want that. I feel so lonely and feel like I will never find true love. I have been searching hardcore since I was 17 but all my efforts have been futile. I hate being gay because of this! I have given up. I feel like if I was straight I would be better off. At this point I do not think theres anyone out there for me. Has anyone ever been through this and found their partner eventualy?? I just need hope at this point! Sorry for the long rant.
Hi, and welcome. First, don't give up. It's always a numbers game, but you also have to be looking in the right place, and at the right people. Part of the problem is that for whatever reason, you're attracting unavailable guys. Going out with a closeted guy is never the best choice, because someone who is closeted has huge shame and self-worth issues. And I don't know where you're looking but it sort of sounds like one of the apps... which are pretty much meat markets for hookups, and highly unlikely to result in finding a healthy, emotionally available person. The second piece is... you can only love someone else as much as you love yourself. And that isn't easy when you've had a run of bad luck. The key is believing in yourself, and working on yourself so that you really own and fully believe that you are worthy of, and deserving of, someone who is out, emotionally healthy and available, loving, and trustworthy... and if you've been truly "searching hardcore" since you were 17... it's possible that you've convinced yourself that you can't be happy unless you have a boyfriend. That's a problem, because being happy by yourself has to come first, along with believing you're worthy. Unless/until you can truly believe those things, deep down, you're not going to attract healthy people. The important piece is that you're talking about how you're feeling. That's the first step toward getting to a healthier place. I encourage you to stick around, read and share, and continue the journey you've started.
Um, wow. First of all, I'm sorry, I don't mean disrespect to anyone, but I just don't agree with Chip. I wouldn't really tell you much of what he responded to you, but the one thing I want to point out and emphasize to you is just because someone is closeted doesn't mean he/she has "huge shame and self-worth issues." That is remarkably narrowminded and probably offensive and/or alienating to a lot of people on this site. I can't believe this is from an admin. You might be having issues with guys right now, but that doesn't mean it's because they're closeted. There are many different reasons for someone to come out, and there are many different reasons for someone to be closeted. --- Anyway...your hope should be that you're only 21. I am not sure why I keep seeing people who are 18-25 years old thinking they will be alone because they can't find someone. You're very young. Most young guys don't want relationships, whether they're gay or straight. Young LGBTs are also the ones who have the most issues with being LGBT and worrying about what everyone thinks and letting it dictate their actions. Does being gay or lesbian make finding someone harder? Absolutely, because there are fewer of us and, yes, many are closeted. But I also think a lot of younger people who are dying to find someone and "give up" in their minds are unrealistic. In your case, you also seem kind of naive. What I would tell you is 1) finding more than random sex on online apps and many dating sites, especially at a young age, is unlikely, and 2) stop taking what everyone says at face value/stop believing everything every guy tells you. You're too desperate for a relationship, and guys can tell and they're using it to play you...and it's making you not take time out and think and spot guys who are full of crap. Also, the way things work online, usually, is people want to meet almost immediately, which is something I hate about trying to date online. They don't want to email, chat, IM, text or what have you for weeks and weeks or take a little time to get to know you before trying to meet--that's probably a lot of the reason guys stop talking to you after a while. Unfortunately, depending on where anyone lives, it seems like finding someone online is what works best for LGBTs. I couldn't tell you exactly where to find someone who wants what you want and is trustworthy, but I'm fairly certain it's not ****** or ****** and most apps/sites like that. My experience actually has been you're more likely to meet someone decent and on the same page as you on a site like this (as in similarity, not necessarily this exact site) than on a site that is directly for dating. Either way, you've got to get less desperate about finding someone, and certainly about showing it, and stop letting guys just tell you what you want to hear and believing it. Also, like I said before, a lot of this is about your age and the age of guys you're meeting--many won't want relationships, and many won't be comfortable with their sexual orientation. It's not really about being closeted; it's more a byproduct of most young people not knowing who they are or not yet being comfortable with who they are and caring what others think. A lot of younger LGBT people prefer to and do date older people for a reason...
Well first off, you just met your new gay best friend. I feel everything you said on a spiritual level, honestly. Being in a country where my only way to meet gay guys is on dating apps, since being out here is pretty risky, i only stumble upon people looking for sex. I'm probably somewhere on the asexual spectrum, or just don't feel like "Sex with random strangers" is the thing for me, so after i make that clear to guys, ofc they go to find someone that gives them sex easily. Why bother to date me for sex when 10 other guys are willing to offer meaningless sex, right? All the guys I ended up being with, even though i didn't meet them on dating apps, ended up being cheaters and liars, so I pretty much closed myself off and now i'm pretty much like "Waiting for a decent guy to just fall from the sky". Either way, if this helped you feel at least a bit less 'broken', by knowing that what happens to you also happens to others, then i'm glad i helped. I'll end this long message by saying that if you need someone to talk to, I volunteer as tribute. Take care and don't ever settle for less than what you feel you deserve.
