I feel like I haven't really progressed at all

Hey everyone.

I haven't been here on EC for a long time due to various reasons, but now I felt the need to write.

I started here as a completely closeted guy more than two years ago, and only a little has changed since then. I managed to come out to one of my straight friends and he took it well, for which I'm really grateful to him. The only other people who know I'm bi are either gay or bisexual, so I think telling them doesn't really count as coming out.

In the next few days I plan to tell one of my coworkers, she's straight but quite pro-LGBT, so I'm not that worried.

But I'm sure (and kinda hope while also hope not) she'll have some questions, and this thought sent me into an overthinking roller-coaster recently. Really, what has changed? I'm still the socially awkward virgin who's mostly in the closet.

Even the first gay guy I got to know has a boyfriend now. And we started out 2 years ago at about the same level of experience and circumstances. I even think he had more severe problems than I did, and where is he know? Probably fucking away happily somewhere... We used to be quite close because we understood each others problems, but we have been going in different directions ever since. The last time I met him was a few weeks ago, and I felt nothing. The feeling of familiarity and trust was all gone by that point. He told me about his boyfriend before that so I knew what was up, and when he went into details about how they met and such I just gave totally neutral nods and some forced questions to look like I care, but I didn't.

I feel like he's in a totally different world, and it's probably true. Even if I tried to, I wouldn't be able to relate to him, because we're not in the same place anymore. I'm reeeaally envy him for getting ahead so quickly. While I'm still quite the same as I was 2 years ago...

Apart from the fact that I don't have a clue about dating and sex, or even just getting to know another human being, I don't think I can find anyone who would accept me with all my quirks and unusual interests. The only one who was all over me last year was a beautiful and lovely girl, but she has a boyfriend, so it's out of the question. She is one of a kind, and naturally she's taken...

Since then I talked to another girl, but I can't stand her personality. I'm on several dating sites, both straight and gay, but no luck. I don't even think I'm mature enough for a relationship, and I don't think I would be able to give myself to another human. I can't be myself. I can't show anyone the real me because they would just reject me.

So basically there's a 26-year-old socially awkward virgin guy with chaos for a brain who should just disappear because he's not good for anything else. And unfortunately that's me.

I'm just venting, but if you feel like you can comment...

Edit: Yes, I have been seeing a psychologist. She helped a bit, but not significantly.

 

I'm sorry I can't give you any advice, but I can say that I feel exactly the same as you. So I hope you can take something from the knowledge that you're not alone.

 

I don't have advice either, i'm sorry but I would give you a big hug if i could. Hang in there. And you will find someone, I promis you you will. Might seem impossible, but you will.

 

Q

Hey HunGuy,

It sounds like you could use some friends, to begin with. Is there an LGBTQ center near you? Are there any sports or hobby groups that you are interested in and you could join to at least get out and meet new people?

You said that you are seeing a psychologist, but she's not helping significantly. Is that because you just recently started seeing her? If you've been seeing her for a while, have you considered finding another therapist? We can often be helped best when we find a therapist that we 'click' with. Sometimes that means changing therapists a couple of times to find someone who seems to 'get' us.

Just some thoughts.

 

(*hug*)

It is absolutely okay honey, each of us has their own pace in which we move through life, there's no need to compare yourself with others, and to develop further feelings of inadequacy (We have our parents for that job .. joking of course ) .

So don;t compare yourself with others. Just compare you with yourself from the past, and strive to improve, with careful deliberate steps, no matter how large or how small.

A useful mental exercise that I sometimes did is that to ask myself if I was someone else, would I truly date someone like me? And if yes why and if no why ? And can I work on the no's and even improve more on the yes-es ?

That quickly made me realize that I needed to get rid ( as best as I could) of my crippling anxiety, to be stronger, more cheerful and upbeat. There were these weak clingy parts of me that I had to work on, and to learn to be more open about trying new things in life. So I grew. For instance back when Rock Band craze was still going on, I got to be among the first to claim the microphone, where one year before I would have been scared shitless of singing before an audience

Have courage. Have faith. You can do it!

(*hug*)

 

Re: Q

Hungary is not a place where LGBTQ center is a thing, at least I've never heard of it. Most of my hobbies are solitary, because that's what I'm comfortable with.

I had been seeing the psychologist for about a year, and she helped a lot and I could really open up to her, but I don't feel like it did any more than scratching the surface. I've considered it. There's someone in the same location who specializes in sexual problems. Maybe I'll go see if she can help.

Thanks for the answer.

---------- Post added 9th Jan 2017 at 10:54 PM ----------

Yes, I know that comparing myself to others is not good, but it's hard not to... Actually, your exercise sounds useful, I'll try it. Thanks.

I finally told my coworker last Wednesday, and she couldn't believe it. I asked her why, and she said that I'm a "boyish boy" and there were no signs that I might be into guys. It was quite hurtful, but she asked me back if I would think that she's bi. I said no, because - although she's a bit tomboyish - I don't get that vibe from her. But later she remembered our conversations where I deliberately dropped some hints about my sexuality, and she started to believe me. It's still hard for her to digest.

 

In my opinion, this is your main problem. You telegraph to people you meet that you aren't yourself around them and fear their rejection. You fear their rejection so much that you reject yourself before even giving anyone a chance to reject you.

If you cannot open yourself up to people and risk rejection, then you will not be free enough to be yourself around them. People likely sense that. Inner confidence is necessary for outward confidence. When you have that, the people around you will respond to your confidence in yourself.

If you have been in therapy and it's not helping, find yourself another therapist. But I think you need to work on yourself first.

Just some thoughts. I hope it helps.

Take care. ride: