My girlfriend is killing me (figuratively)

So, now i'm back at it again with this same girl, and I am more or less just as confused as ever. First off i'll warn you that this is will be a loooong post, a tiny novel if you will. I apologize for that, but I really reaaally need to rant. So let me explain:

I am in a relationship with the love of my life. And when I say love of my life, oh dear god do I mean it. I love her so much that just thinking about her makes me crazy. I'd do anything for her, literally anything, and it is freaking killing me. You'd think that was all well and good right? Well,, yes and no. All the threads I have started previously have been about her, and in all honesty I am very embarassed to be back here, again... She had been given me headaches and extreme mood swings for the past 3 years, I have even started seeing a psychologist (though this is mostly because of other problems in my life)

So yes, I love her, so much, and I am extremely happy to be in a relationship with her. I let her go once (or rather, I kicked her out once) and I don't think I have the ability to ever do that again. Our story is this:

2014: I fell in love with her after meeting her through a mutual friend, I had never loved anyone like I loved her before I met her.
2014: Because I am an idiot I started dating her best friend to make her jealous, hurting both of them in the process. I broke up with that girl a looong while ago but they still hate each other to this day.
2015: I mustered the courage (aka; I was drunk) to tell her that I loved her. She took it very well, but gave no answer othet than "that's okay".
2015: Months passed by and I was ready to get over her and try dating other girls, right before my date with someone she asked me if I wanted to try dating her. I was overjoyed.
2016: I broke up with her after some months because I felt it didn't work out. I felt like she didn't love me romantically, still not sure if I was right or not.
Late 2016: I couldn't let her go, and she stayed my best friend. I asked her to try again after she gave me mixed signals (like cuddling a lot), she said yes.

Early 2017:

So here we are. I can't trust that she loves me. No matter how hard I try. I have trust issues, depression, social anxiety (though I am quite charismatic) and also a slight case of commitment issues. Though none of these things have really been a huge issue for me untill now. It's like she brings out the worst in me, which is a horrible thing to say, but it has some truth to it nevertheless. The reason I can't trust that she loves me is because the things we've been through. I broke up with her once because she had problems telling me she did love me, and she still kind of do, though she says it's because she has intimacy issues (and I want to believe that!!). I constantly feel like I give more than I take and it's exhausting.

Another reason I can't trust that she loves me is because she hasn't come out to anyone yet. When we are at her place cuddling we have to immediately get up as soon as we hear footsteps, and her family has no idea yet that she is or ever has been in a relationship. My family knows, and most of my friends too, and she seems to be at least okay with that, but she has no interest in telling anyone herself, I think she's far too scared to.

She can also be insensitive, very insensitive. She has ADD and anxiety, and for that reason she has problems with communicating and focusing. I take this very personally no matter how hard I try not to. We are good at communicating, and when I feel bad about it I tell her, but she never really fixes the issues she has, or if she does it takes a long time. She promises things like "she'll make it up to me", but she never does. And it really hurts me that she seemingly just forgets.. At this point I feel like I am constantly nagging about telling her my feelings, both good and bad. It feels like I am just annoying her. Though we do talk over skype for hours more or less every day and she is the one to initiate it every time (because I am too scared of being annoying to do it myself).

She also doesn't want to kiss me. Or, she has said that she wouldn't mind it, but that she's just too scared to do it. I have kissed her on several occassions now, and she is very good at nibbling at my neck area when we're cuddling. But kissing, as in, kissing on the lips, is something she never initiates herself. She also gets super flustered when I kiss her, and it has happened that she has turned away from me when I've tried, this has really put a dent in my self confidence. She initiates cuddling a lot though, and she's pretty affectionate physically, just not with "openly romantic" things, like kissing.

Our relationship is fairly passionate, built on communication and very deep friendship and it's the best thing I have ever had in my entire life. She has her moments, where she's tells me things like that i'm the only person she has ever loved and that i'm the best thing to ever happen to her, and for a person that never speaks about her feelings and aren't affectionate at all that's a pretty huge thing but... Still I am just so worried she doesn't like me the way I like her. And she mostly only says these things when I am angry at her, so it feels like she just says them because I am angry, though she assures me she doesn't.


I am at a loss, I don't know what to do. Should I try not to talk about things that bother me, should I talk about them more? Should I give less affection and see what happens, should I give more to encourage her to do the same? I am completely and utterly lost. Please, if anyone have any advice or comments to give please please pleaase send it my way. I really need it.

Thank you for reading (*hug*)