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Bi-gender and looking to date men for the first time

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by KitSylph, Jan 3, 2017.

  1. KitSylph

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    Well, so, I had an unexpected conversation with my partner the other day: she's encouraging me to explore the kinds of dating and romance and sex that to date I haven't explored and that she can't help me with, and she is so solid in our relationship that this is actually a good idea to her (because then I would know myself better, and she's very into self-knowledge and confidence). She's cis and straight and only romantically interested in the boy version of me (at least for now; I support her being straight, but I wonder), though she's a wonderful friend to the girl version of me.

    Anyway, the situation is that I was assigned male at birth and took a long time to figure out that I am bi-gender. It even took me a long time to figure out that I'm bisexual (or pansexual). It's always been easiest and emotionally more of a draw for me to be with women than to be with men, and I haven't ever had a romance in which I had any part other than that of straight male. (I did tell my partner about my mixed gender very soon after we met, though.)

    So what I hope for is to date some men, both as a boy and as a girl. I can't offer a long-term relationship or even monogamy, though, so I'm concerned that I don't want to play fast and loose with anyone's emotions, but I really am only interested in romance :kiss:, with sex if appropriate, and not in sex for its own sake (I've already had an offer for that from a nice man with whom, unfortunately, I don't think I have anything in common).

    I live in Northern Vermont and, as though things weren't complicated enough already, I'm not out to everyone, so I don't plan to date in public near where I live, though there are some other places I might go (especially Montréal) to date in public, or I might have private dates nearby. So that's yet another pain in the neck for anyone who lives in the area and might otherwise want to date me. :icon_sad:

    Oh, and I don't have much time to date! I have my family, a full-time job, and some other artistic and community activities I'm involved in. Boy, I'm sounding like a worse and worse date the more I say here.

    Most people don't even know what bi-gender is, so how do I know who might be up for that? I really would prefer to date people who are interested in me in both genders.

    There are no gay/queer clubs I can go to closer than Montréal: I know about Sky Club, Unity (both sound a little young/trendy for a forty-something like me), Notre-Dame-de-Quilles, and the twice-a-month Mec Plus Ultra event at Le Belmont). Montréal is only about 90 minutes away and makes a fun overnight trip, so it's not too bad a situation there except that I'm an introvert. Oh, and I understand that Montréal is a very queer-friendly city, so that's wonderful.

    I'm on ******* now and am starting to try to connect with people there, but I can't post good pictures because of not being out (though I offer to send them privately). There don't seem to be many people (at least, not near me) on the transgender dating sites. I can go to the Montréal clubs, I guess, but I'm not great in crowds of people I don't know. Then again, maybe since I won't have to hide anything about myself, I'll be better. :slight_smile:

    So what is my actual question? Um ... I don't know? But do you have any advice or thoughts for me?
     
  2. KitSylph

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    My first message in this thread was really long, so I'll keep this short. I really could use any advice you have on dating and being queer on an online dating site and all!

    On the dating site I'm using, I've heard from several men who have nothing in common with me and/or don't live anywhere near me, and who have nothing more interesting to say than "hi". Then I've written to three or four men who looked really interesting to me in my usual bubbly, no-filter way, saying what I liked about their profiles and generally being friendly, but I haven't heard back from any of them. They're all queer men in one way or another, too! It's not as though I'm randomly picking straight guys. It's a little depressing, but I'll shake it off and keep looking for good people.

    I do worry that I've made bad choices in my profile somehow: my stop-at-the-neck pictures in a tight dress or my dowdier one that shows off my terrible hairdo, and no boy pictures posted yet. Or something I've written. Do I need patience or better judgment? Or both?
     
  3. randomconnorcon

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    Dating apps/sites are more of a luck of the draw sort of game. I've been on a couple for almost a year now (maybe, probably less but not much less) and matched with loads of people I haven't had a single conversation with and others where the conversation has dwindled to a stop. However, one of my best friends met their partner on one after a month or so and now, almost a year later, they're engaged. Patience is probably your best bet.
     
  4. KitSylph

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    Thanks! Perspective is really helpful.