Loving a straight guy damaged me.

Let's say my name is Milen and I'm 21 years old. I met, let's say his name is The Joker, 2 years ago. He was the most perfect variant of what a male should be in my mind. He looked like the prince, I had been dreaming about since childhood. He acted so manly, that I would get goosebumps, when he would speak, just from hearing his low tone. I fell in love almost instantly, from the first time my eyes glanced his face. I knew he was a player and he would brag about having a non-stop sexual drive for girls and that he would bang almost any girl. But underneath that mask I saw a gentle and pure soul, who was playing all these social games to make himself look desirable. We became best friends instantly. I know how to charm a guy and I made him my first priority in life. I dedicated every day to entertaining him and making him happy. I would play out stories for him, imitate voices and girls for him, I would be available for him anytime, anywhere. In time, he started minimizing his contacts with other people, just to be with me. We would have these long walks, where we would talk about everything and share pretty much every detail of our lives, our thoughts, our emotions, our desires. We became a duo, which people would recognise. They would tell us we look like we are a couple. He would laugh it off, but I saw a sparkle in his eyes. This sparkle later grew into a continuous game we played, in which we would speculate about becoming a couple and living together. Then, in the middle of my paradise, he met an old woman, who started using him for sex. I was crushed, but I decided to stay away and not embarass myself. I didn't want to feel like the obsessed gay guy, following his straight crush. So I left him to be with her and for a couple of months I was contacting other people and even feeling like I could except it. Then, all of sudden, his relationship ended and he came back to me. AND THIS WAS A COMEBACK. A month after his breakup, we had the first sexual incident. We had been drinking at a house party and at some point he started telling me straight in front of all these people that he "wants to be in me and fill me" and all these extremely sexual comments, which shocked our friends. In the end he even took his shirt off and started making out with me, laying on top of my body for some time and stroking my ears and head. I didn't know what to do after that. When we were walking after the party, there was this silence and he didn't want to discuss what had just happened. From this point on, my love transformed into a sick obsession and a desire to have him. We continued with these little sexual games. Then, he met another woman. Which was THE MOST PERFECT female you can imagine. This, ladies and gentleman, devastated me and damaged my psyche for years to come. Every day I would look in the mirror and hate who I was and how I was not her, how I would never feel touched by him like she feels, how he would never dress for me the way he dresses for her. It fucked me up so much. I don't know how I didn't start hurting myself at that point. He... well he was torn between both of us. It was an interesting scenario. He wanted her so much, but he would lie to her to be with me, he would look in my eyes with guilt and this fueled my love so much, that I began hating this innocent woman. One time I accidentally met them at a mall centre, and he began shaking in front of me and looking me like he had done something very wrong. I mistook this for love, part of me always will believe that. In the end, he broke up with her and he continued going out with me. Then I decided that this torture should end and I told him I'm leaving town and going to live in another city, because for the last 2 years I have been deeply in love with him. He confessed to me that he loves me too, but he loves me as if I'm a woman and this confuses him and he blames himself for everything, because he could feel it coming long time ago. We went on a last trip together, where we spent the most beautiful 3 days in my life. We had some romantic contact, but I want to keep this in my memories. Last night of our trip we both wept and cried for our impossible love. We hugged. Then, everything ended. But the suffering had JUST started. I had the most horrific summer, I felt like something had been torn from inside my body. I would dream about him all the time. I messaged him couple of times, but in the beggining he would not answer and I decided I had to cure myself from this sick love and just start my life anew. I was excepted into the most prestigious university in my country, I had all my dreams come true and everything was getting into place. BUT there was his shadow following me anywhere I went, I would suffer even in the happiest most joyful moments. I still do. I feel like I can't ever stop loving him. Recently on new year's eve, I met a guy that reminded me of him, but I knew he was gay. I started conversation with him and now we are chatting on FB. For the first time in 2 years, I'm finally feeling like I can move on. I still talk to The Joker from time to time, and even visited him one time. I don't know if this is the end of my past and the beginning of a new relationship, I HOPE SO. I just want to warn the guy who thinks a relationship with a straight man is possible. YOU WILL SUFFER if you don't have the courage to confess and make everything clear soon on. It's a dance of destruction and obsession. Don't play it. Save yourself. I am not a whole person after living through this. My soul feels eternally shattered. Love is a dangerous game.