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Boyfriend was still seeing ex when he started dating me

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Ned B, Jan 9, 2017.

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  1. Ned B

    Ned B
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    After having spent over 2 years dating a pathelogical/compulsive liar and getting really screwed over for it, you'd think that nothing would surprise me, and I'd be so much more adept at reading people, but I just found this out about my current partner:

    We have been dating since the beginning of February, almost a year. We moved in together recently, and have all things considered had a fairly normal relationship. We get along pretty well, are reasonable about resolving our differences, and there wouldn't be any reason for me to believe that he doesn't truly care for me.

    When we started dating, I was aware that he had just gotten out of a four year relationship with a man that finally ended because his ex would not come out, and so they could never move in together, could never be introduced to his family, and they were rarely intimate because he wasn't comfortable with that either. Even so, I was told that they had been broken up for a month, and he was never turning back.

    This weekend, we pulled out his old phone, which had been replaced at the same time that he moved to his new house in May to look at some old pictures. Being curious about his ex, since he rarely mentioned their time together, I took a peek at their text messages. The last month of messages were pretty expected. Simple coordination messages as they worked out what things needed to be picked up from each others house for the move.

    But then going back a little further, it was apparent that they had met up for dinner and weekday lunch here and there, including for his ex's birthday in April, none of which I ever heard about. It didn't seem that they ever spent the night together, but the phrase "I love you" and pet names were thrown out a couple times, and there were discussions and arguments about their future together. As I moved back even further, I noticed and lined up the dates and realized that there were times that he said he had been really ill or that he had other engagements were actually times that they were spending together.

    That included one time when my partner asked both his ex and me how we felt about moving in together in early April within a few days of each other. I said it was too soon to start thinking about that. He was mad at me for not being serious enough about our relationship, said maybe we wouldn't work out, and wouldn't talk to me for a week afterward, after which I managed to reason with him, and after another week we were back to normal. At least that's what happened from my perspective. Reading the texts, it seems his ex gave him a more positive answer than I did and he decided to give him a second chance, then came back to me after two weeks of yet again not managing to make things work. It seems that his ex was never told that I existed through all of this.

    Where should I be going from here? I am overall still happy with my relationship and where it is headed, and it seems that he stopped seeing his ex sometime in April or May. But it is concerning that my partner wasn't always truthful with me, and was okay with giving false excuses for why we couldn't be together in the first 3 months we were dating. Should I consider this part of the past, move on, and just keep my eye out that this isn't part of an ongoing problem, or should I confront him on this issue, even though I didn't come across this information completely honestly? Any thoughts are appreciated.
     
    #1 Ned B, Jan 9, 2017
  2. Chip

    Chip
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    I'm so sorry you ran across this information. It must be extremely upsetting to you.

    I can't tell you what to do, but if it were me... that would likely be a relationship-ending incident.

    Why? Because if he was willing to be inauthentic with you at the beginning, for months, and blatantly lie about it... he's a fundamentally inauthentic person, and can rationalize that behavior. That's a personality trait, not a one-time behavior, and given the right circumstances, he would likely do it again.

    I know that in these circumstances, some people would go to counseling and try to work through it. But for me, authenticity is everything, and if someone commits that blatant an act -- multiple lies to me and a completely fabricated timeline and story -- I wouldn't be able to trust him again.
     
    #2 Chip, Jan 9, 2017
  3. robclem21

    robclem21
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    This one is tough. While I agree with most of what Chip has said, I'm not sure that this relationship should be ended without an authentic conversation with him. Don't get me wrong, you have every right to pissed off at him and upset. However, this behaviour sounds more like lingering feelings after a breakup that he struggled to deal with and doesn't necessarily sound like he's a fundamentally inauthentic person.

    After 4 years, one month is hardly long enough to get over someone, and it may be the situation that your relationship began with you as a rebound for him while he was not completely over his ex. It sounds like the first few months of your relationship were likely far more of a struggle for him than he led on and he may have been battling some insecurity from his last relationship judging by his rush to move in with you.

    Now, the above said, I am not justifying what he did. It was awful and nobody deserves that. But if your relationship has been great since then, I would at least give him a chance to explain before deciding what course of action to take. The extent of what they did together may also play a role in how your trust for him follows. I don't think it matters how you came across the information. Yes, you invaded his privacy which was not okay, but neither is what he did.
     
    #3 robclem21, Jan 9, 2017
  4. AlmostBlue

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    I agree that that's a terrible thing to find out, and I think it's sad that he was dishonest to you from the beginning. That being said, I don't think one can easily reduce one particular incident as a sign of fundamental character. Your boyfriend was obviously in a very difficult place, and him lying back then does not necessarily mean that he will continually. By that reasoning, we would all be forever untrustworthy, as we have all lied to someone.

    I think you should have a proper conversation about this, and see how he reacts. If he becomes defensive, attacks you for looking at his phone, and does not respect your feelings, then this is definitely over. However, if he is remorseful, explains thoroughly what was going on back then, and begs for your forgiveness, then you could consider continuing this, given that otherwise this relationship has been great for you. However, the way you describe this relationship ("normal" "reasonable" "pretty well") makes me feel like maybe this isn't exactly the best match, but that's for you to know.
     
    #4 AlmostBlue, Jan 11, 2017
  5. Aspen

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    I think you should confront him about it first. Not only was he seeing someone else behind your back, but he was lying about it. It wasn't casually dating around at the beginning of your relationship either—this was a serious continuation of his relationship with his ex. It sounds like he moved in with him for a couple of weeks and you didn't know. That's not okay.

    Relationship with his ex aside, this sounds very manipulative. If it was too soon for you to start thinking about moving in with him, he should have respected that. Instead he got mad and wouldn't speak to you. That's not at all a mature response to what is a very big decision.
     
    #5 Aspen, Jan 11, 2017
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