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Old 11th Jan 2017, 08:55 AM   #1
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Is There Any Hope For Me With This Guy?

There's a guy I met on *** almost 2 years ago that I really like but I've definitely hit a few bumps along the way. I'm going to talk about everything that has transpired from then and up to this point. I'm going to refer to this guy as C, just to keep any privacy concerns and to keep things from getting confusing. Story involves another forum, because C and I are also members of, not going to say which site...privacy concerns.

Anyway, in 2014 I started talking to C on ***, seemed like a great guy, had a lot of shared interests in that we're both kind of geeky. He's going to college working on a Computer Science degree. I was working in the IT department at a "resort" at the time (I say resort in quotations because I don't think they knew the meaning of the word lol).

I was very excited about this guy, I was just waiting for us to set up a date and then out of the blue he tells me he's getting back together with his ex and sorry and so on. He deleted his *** account and didn't hear from him for like a year or better.

So after that time passed, it is maybe August...September 2015 and he pops up on *** again. So I messaged him and we just kind of picked up where we left off, again...things seemed to go off without a hitch. We went on a date, had a great time. The second date was at my house, made him dinner....everything was great. Thought things were going somewhere. Oh and no sex, he's probably the only guy I have dated that I haven't made out with that I haven't shut it down with. I mean a lot of guys don't wait around, I felt that he is worth way more as a person than to worry about getting sex. I could easily get sex from some guy on ****** if that was the whole point, but I digress.

C doesn't any social media and not sure why but he told me about another site which he visits and posts to. It's a forum site, similar to this, won't say which but I decided to join as I can always use advice about things since I generally feel that I am inexperienced at just about everything.

Everything up until now is pretty much typical stuff for the most part, but here's where things get interesting. Another guy who I had tried to talk to but stood me up more than once I find is also on this site and I thought he and C were friends and I so explained to him that he and I had past dealings and we don't like each other. Of course my instinct tells me to just not go to that site anymore but I kept on anyway, I mean after all C is on there and good way to chat with him and so on.

The other guy I will refer to has T. T is a author, has published a few books, one of them turns out was about C. He changed the name but made a gay romance novel around him which is a bit disturbing. I never bought or read the book but my observation was that C being part of the book was not done with his blessing. T told C that it was about him and wouldn't stop sending text messages. T wanted to be with C. That's the story I got from C. My only dealings with T was being stood up and having a heated exchange and that was about it. So T has a bit of a stalking problem, texting constantly following his every move on this site (you can see who viewed someone else's profile), I had to see for myself and sure enough every 20 minutes T was looking at C's profile. I was furious. My thinking is why would C sit back and take this shit from someone he doesn't like, isn't comfortable with. At the time of course I was deeply in a crush with C and I wasn't about to let some prick stalk the guy I like and if you asked me at the time, wanted to marry lol. So what did I do? I did the dumbest thing imaginable, I called T out on his stalking activities on that site and of course backfired immediately as I got texts from C telling me to please stay out of it and it was far too late.

Fortunately, I didn't totally ruin things... I apologized my ass off and we did move past it. He did what most guys wouldn't have done, which was write me off. I mean he had very good reasons to.

The other thing that happened shortly after that did kind of ruin thing for a while was my desperation for a relationship with C. Keeping in mind C is a college student, very busy with assignments and trying to make money and so on. I knew and understood this but what didn't seem to click with me was that he's just not in a good position being in college to really pursue a relationship. I kind of whined and had a bit of a falling out for a time. A few months later he said that he really wanted to be friends with me that he just isn't looking to date anyone right now.

That all being said I do feel pretty lucky that C even acknowledges my existence after kind of embarrassing him online. I get that it was wrong, not my place to take someone else's personal business public...well sort of...no names were mentioned but the other details were. It was all in good intentions and all but I simply didn't think things through at the time.

Anyway, I think one might wonder what the big deal is about this guy. Well he's very handsome, sexy and all that but what really does it for me is his personality, just his way of doing things, humor and just overall kindness...just not something I see in people and I know that he is genuine and very thoughtful... Those things about him make me feel good and it's something I think I really would want in someone in a life long relationship.

I really really like this guy and if there's any chance that something could spawn sometime down the road. I feel that in our conversations that while the idea of dating hasn't been totally been excluded but likewise nothing is set in stone but I think if there a chance he's the kind of guy I am waiting to wait for and see what happens. I mean the odds of meeting another guy who I'm this excited about is pretty slim. I do live a very rural area, many of the people who went to school where I live and did go to college leave for good. There's very few left who are gay, decent, are single and even fewer who like the sort of things I like or would be looking for in a guy.

Anyway, sorry for making this such a long post and hopefully I didn't make myself look like too much of an ass.
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Old 11th Jan 2017, 12:17 PM   #2
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Re: Is There Any Hope For Me With This Guy?

In my opinion, all you can do is let him know how you feel and if he doesn't want a relationship with you then move on. It sucks and it's painful, but you can save yourself a lot more pain in the long run if you take this route. If there are no gay guys where you live, consider making regular trips to the nearest big city or consider moving to a city if you can. Wishing you the best of luck; I know how hard it can be and it has happened to me more times than I would care to admit.
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Old 11th Jan 2017, 12:18 PM   #3
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Re: Is There Any Hope For Me With This Guy?

Elxa,
In my personal experience anything possible. My life has had its ups and downs but I've had pleasent surprises. If you truly want him you can make it work.

Hope I was of some help.
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Old 11th Jan 2017, 01:23 PM   #4
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Re: Is There Any Hope For Me With This Guy?

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Originally Posted by mlansing View Post
In my opinion, all you can do is let him know how you feel and if he doesn't want a relationship with you then move on. It sucks and it's painful, but you can save yourself a lot more pain in the long run if you take this route. If there are no gay guys where you live, consider making regular trips to the nearest big city or consider moving to a city if you can. Wishing you the best of luck; I know how hard it can be and it has happened to me more times than I would care to admit.
Well I don't want to press the relationship thing that much right now. I know that he doesn't want one with anyone, at least those were his words. He and I have remained friends and we're about 45 minutes apart distance wise, with him being busy and what not we don't see or talk all too often.

I do value his friendship either way. The whole experience above was one that I did learn from. I think friendship isn't a compromise...unless you're really just after sex of course. He's into a lot of things that I'm also into, we're both nerds lol, we both like the outdoors and camping things like that. So those are two big things with me... So good friends like relationships are also hard to find. So trying to keep that in my mind...

That being said he is someone I still have a bit of crush on, just not flat out bananas like I was about a year ago. I think I have a slightly more objective view of things.

I think pushing the relationship thing would likely backfire. After all planning on going to dinner with him and then bowling hopefully this weekend if he doesn't get a pile of assignments to do over the weekend.

@Will I do think anything is possible and I will say that at times it is hard to take that point of view. Sometimes you feel like everything is "short and scrambled and always to the left" (Jim Carey in Liar Liar).

My thoughts would be if I could somehow see that yes he's wanting to build a friendship with me and once he gets his school sorted out, has an idea where he wants to go with life that he would seek a relationship with me possibly then I would feel better about it. I wouldn't want to abandon a friendship because he doesn't think I'm sexy (and I'm friends with a couple who have been together for 10 years and don't have sex -- How does that even work? lol So year anything is possible).

The only thing I fear is that he'll be gone down the road before I get my ducks in a row. I didn't really mention this but a couple years ago I was working a very high stress, on-call job and when I quit jobs and found another I went and bought a new car...a $37k car that I really couldn't afford....payments were out the wazoo. Bought a lot of other crap too. Decided I would do a triathlon and all that which is good but cost a lot of money....that I didn't have. So I did get rid of the car and got something much less expensive (a Prius) and trying to get a hold of the debt I'm in but it is going to take a couple years at least. I mean there is a light at the end of the tunnel but I'm worried he'll be long gone before that comes around. My idea was to try to have my shit together should thing between us move in that direction and be ready and not let him be "the one that got away" (figuratively and literally speaking).
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Old 11th Jan 2017, 03:58 PM   #5
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Re: Is There Any Hope For Me With This Guy?

I understand the situation is complex, I'm just trying to help simplify things a bit. Sure anything is possible, but just speaking from my own experience I don't think waiting around for people is generally the winning tactic. Just my thoughts, but I wish you the best however things turn out.
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Old 12th Jan 2017, 05:36 AM   #6
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Re: Is There Any Hope For Me With This Guy?

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Originally Posted by mlansing View Post
I understand the situation is complex, I'm just trying to help simplify things a bit. Sure anything is possible, but just speaking from my own experience I don't think waiting around for people is generally the winning tactic. Just my thoughts, but I wish you the best however things turn out.
I know what you mean. I have tried dating other guys and just haven't had any luck. I'm about 2 hours away from 3 different cities. I'm kind of shy and get very anxious going places like say a gay bar for instance but maybe that's what I need. I don't really know how to go about meeting guys at places like that, or whether or not it is the best way to go about things.

Not sure if anything will ever happen between me and this guy but yeah I know what you mean, I shouldn't put all my eggs in one basket anyway and really not trying to do that either. Just trying to stay friends and let things go from there. There's a good chance that after he gets done with school he's going to be moving away pretty quickly (and I don't blame him).
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Old 12th Jan 2017, 07:07 AM   #7
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Re: Is There Any Hope For Me With This Guy?

Move on hes not interested now and more than likley wont be in the future. Dont waste your life pining after him. If he was interested in you then the obstalcles wouldnt matter.
Are there any gay mens groups/or mixed GLBT activies in your area that you could join?You would be able to meet people and mingle without it being hopefully too stressfull.
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Old 12th Jan 2017, 08:10 AM   #8
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Re: Is There Any Hope For Me With This Guy?

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Originally Posted by Poppy43 View Post
Move on hes not interested now and more than likley wont be in the future. Dont waste your life pining after him. If he was interested in you then the obstalcles wouldnt matter.
Are there any gay mens groups/or mixed GLBT activies in your area that you could join?You would be able to meet people and mingle without it being hopefully too stressfull.
Looking at things I would say you're correct on all that. "Feelings" make making rational decisions and being objective difficult... We see things in people who we like or have a crush on that aren't really there. Then we find out that someone doesn't live up to the fictional person we thought they were. In this case I really think I just tricked myself in thinking maybe, possibly perhaps. I mean I don't think he lied to me or led me on or anything but I think that if he was interested more so in me that I would probably hear from him more and not on this other website through their chat system...so I guess I just kid myself this entire time.

Probably wouldn't be a bad idea to just stop going there altogether, the community over there has changed and not for the good, but that's another thing.

I was going to a group a while back but this region favors guys who are 20-30 years older than I am. Not that there's anything wrong with that just means I'm probably not going to meet anyone. It's nice to socialize and all but it was a 45 minute drive just to do that once a month. I would have to look around and see if there's anything else in the area. I remember someone mentioning P-FLAG but again not sure if that's going to be much help.

Like so many people have told me over and over, I need to move... I know I need to move...I want to move, but short of trying to sell off everything I own (not much of value) and living in my car, trying to find another job and just totally starting from zero it will be probably 2 years before I can begin trying to move anywhere... Just getting to the point of having my own place would be a big leap for me....still living with my parents.
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