My cheating GF is the love of my life, help!

PLLLEASSSE READ ALL THE WAY THROUGH!!!!!!! PLEASE!

Hey EC friends, here's my predicament: I promise you its worth the read haha

I recently found out that my girlfriend of 2.5 years was cheating on me.

We started dating before my transition (I'm FtM, 22 years old) when we were in college. We had an instant connection and were inseparable since we met. Since day one we knew we would be in each others' lives forever. I came out to her as transgender after a year of dating and she fully accepted it, encouraging me, going to doctors appointments with me, even giving me shots sometimes. On top of all that she's my best friend. I've never met anyone like her. We can laugh for hours just us and play around like little kids. It's like the rest of the world stops when I'm with her. My family loves her, and to most of our friends (who don't know the recent drama of our relationship) we are the perfect couple. Everyone thinks we are going to get married.

But we have had a lot of struggles too. Transition can be hard on a partner. I believe she gave up a lot of herself just to make sure I was okay. And we met when we were 19 years old- so young. Fairly consistently throughout our relationship I would find her texting other guys. She has a lot of guy friends which is fine, but I would catch her flirting with them and even sexting one time. This led me to have trust issues with her.

I started going through her phone pretty regularly without her knowledge. I know its not right but I did it to protect myself.

There was one time when she told me she needed space from me (kind of a break) because she wanted to find herself again after my transition. I granted this because I wanted her to be happy. I found out that night that she had a party at her house and had sex with a past lover. I found out by going through her phone. She told me that they only kissed and that she didn't even like it, but when I read her texts I found out they did it without a condom.

I was heartbroken. She betrayed my trust and lied to my face. I broke up with her that night, yet still ended up walking her home and tucking her in at the end of the night because she was crying so hard she couldn't do much else. I was hurt too but I found a way to take care of her.

I was most upset because she had sex with him, then me (without telling me she had had sex with another person), and because they didn't use a condom, her and I got chlamydia from him.

The whole situation was horrible. There was a mix up at the pharmacy when we ordered the antibiotics to get rid of the STI, so we only got one pill instead of two. I gave her the only pill we had to get rid of the antibiotic. I figured, I don't care much about my reproductive parts as much as she does. I eventually got my antibiotics afterwards.

We were broken up for a couple of months but I never got the space I felt I needed. And we were "broken up" but we didn't really act like it.

I don't know what it is about her. I can't take my eyes off her. I just love her so much. She is beautiful, sexy, stylish, passionate, open-minded, smart, ambitious, independent, and strong. She cares for me. She is devoted to helping me through all of my transition trials and tribulations, etc. She really was the perfect girl for me.

So fast forward a bit, we are back together and her and I get on a good page again. And I eventually get to the point where I trust her fully and am completely in love with her again. Everything is running smoothly, we are past the old drama and are just trying to love and live. We are still able to connect with each other and have the most real and authentic conversations with one another than we have ever had with anyone else. All in all, we just want the other person to be happy. And we sacrifice a lot of ourselves for that cause. Some time goes on and things are looking pretty good for us.

Because I'm feeling comfortable and safe in my relationship, I propose we try an open relationship for a bit. I wanted to explore my sexuality and try sex with another guy (testosterone is a powerful drug haha) It took her a while to come around to it, but eventually we both agreed and set up groundrules:

1. we must use protection
2. we have to inform the other person who we are going to have sex with (basic infor such as name and how we met, picture, age)
3. Tell each other BEFORE we have sex with them when we are thinking about doing it

Now, I'll admit that I broke the ground rules and so did she. Here's what happened..

I proposed the idea but didn't think she was going to jump on the opportunity so quickly. She decided on this guy that was in one of her college classes. She made plans to hang out with him in Santa Cruz and rent an Air B&B for the night. This kind of freaked me out and made me worry. Was she really so eager to have sex with this guy? I pretty much freaked out for a week straight before she went down to Santa Cruz to hang out with him, and that night I just couldn't handle my shit. I was so much worse at handling an open relationship than I thought I would be. I didn't even have anyone in mind to have sex with, and she was already in another city with this dude. I thought about what a bad idea this open relationship was. How I didn't think I could handle her being with another man. Impulsively, I decided I'd just get it over with on my end. So her and I would both have sex with someone and then the whole open relationship could be over and we could go back to being happy.

I got drunk, went over to my buddy's house (he's a gay man who has a crush on me, and had offered in the past to have sex with me although I never took it) and we hooked up that night. I experienced having sex with another guy for the first time (and only time. it was just 'eh'). I enjoyed the sex in itself because of the pleasure I got, but I didn't enjoy sex with him if that makes sense. I don't think I'm attracted to men I just like sex, and when I'm drunk and horny its hard for my to discriminate. Anyways...

My gf came home from Santa Cruz the next day, and we met up so she could tell me about her experience (no details obviously, just if she learned anything, etc). She told me she didn't enjoy it. She said she had to get so blacked out drunk that she couldn't distinguish if it was him or me who was having sex with her. This made me feel good. It told me she loves me and prefers me. But they didn't use protection which made me upset, especially after the chlamydia incident we had dealt with in the past.

I took this opportunity to tell her what I did that night. I omitted the part about me knowing him. I told her it was some random guy I met on ******. I know it was wrong of me to lie. I was protecting myself and the guy I had sex with. She was upset for a couple days. She was made that I broke the rule where we tell each other before we have sex, and I understand that. She said I had sex with him just to spite her, but I disagree. I did it out of fear not anger or revenge. I wanted to be monogamous again so I just got it over with. It's really hard for me to put myself out there sexually because I'm trans. I have a lot of dysphoria with my genitalia. I had to get drunk and high and it took my gf having sex with another man for me to finally grow a pair and do it.

Over a few weeks we got over this. The man she had sex with in Santa Cruz was just a friend. There was no romance there and I believe that. And I clearly had no interest in having sex with any more men.

We didn't explicitly say out loud that our open relationship was over, but I figured it was. Maybe that was wrong on my part, and I was just assuming, but neither one of us wanted to have sex with anyone else after that.

So then my gf gets a new job, and listen up cause this is where it gets really twisted.

She's an in-home youth counselor for at-risk boys. These are kids that deal with addiction, abuse, etc. So she begins to live with me at my house for half of the week and then at her work for the other half. She gets her own room and bathroom and free meals while she is there, as long as she watches the boys (17 and 18 year olds were in her "house").


Months go by and my gf LOVES her work. She feels she has a purpose. And I honestly had never seen her so happy about a job. I was so happy for her.

One day we are in her car when I see she is texting some guy. I didn't recognize his name "Taylor" and when I asked her about it she said it was an older guy who was a teacher at her work. She said not to worry but that he was on her radar (that was our terminology for "hey I might have sex with this person"). She said she was not going to have sex with him, especially without telling me first. She said he was in his early thirties, was really attractive, and that they just kind of hit it off. She had never been with an older man but wanted to try it. The first day of hearing this I was angry because I thought our open relationship was over. But i tried SO HARD to be open to it.

At this time in our relationship I was dealing with some stuff in my transition (anger, difficulty expressing emotions, inability to cry) that made my gf feel like I wasn't acting my age. When I would get really upset about something, I would let off steam by punching my pillow or other objects. She would say I was acting like a child, like the 17 and 18 year olds she counseled at her work.

I was searching for a reason why she was into this guy. Why she was choosing him. I came up with the idea that maybe she was seeking an older an because I was acting immature and she was looking for more of a man.

When I brought this up to her she agreed that that was probable, although she had never consciously thought that herself.

We go to my brother's wedding in Santa Barbara one weekend, and everything was magical- like a dream. It was one of the best nights of my life. We danced all night, and all of my family members told me how much they loved my girlfriend and were so happy I found such a great girl. We came back from that weekend and I was sure I would marry her one day. I nearly cried on the drive home just thinking about how much I loved her. How no matter what crazy stuff we had gone through over the past 2.5 years, we always found a way back to each other and were stronger because of it.

We get back home, and my world is crushed.

While she is at the gym I go through her ipad which has her texts on it. I found out this name "Taylor" was actually his last name, not his first name. She had changed the name was I wouldn't figure out that this person was actually one of her 17 year old boys she counseled at her work! I was FURIOUS. In their texts they were saying "I love you" and "babe" and talking about how they had sex.

I rushed over to the gym with all her belongings and confront her in the parking lot. I asked her if she had anything to tell me. She could see I was furious but kept asking me what was wrong. I asked her to admit it, and that she knew why I was mad. I said I would have a lot more respect for her if she would just be honest, come out and say it so I wouldn't have to. She kept her mouth shut, wouldn't come clean about it. I told her I saw her texts with that boy. I asked if she loved him, and why she was saying all of those things to him. SHe said she didn't have feelings for him and she didn't know why she was doing it. I told her she should be ashamed of herself. I broke up with her. And I left.

Sidenote: When I was 15 I got into a sexual relationship with my soccer coach, so this kind of thing especially hit close to home with me. I was very vulnerable at that age not only because I was young but also because my dad had just died in a tragic accident. I felt sorry for this boy she was having sex with. He was in this "home" facility because he was damaged. I felt for him because I had gone through confusing sexual things with an authority figure as well.

She begs me not to go, to stay, to hear her out, but I was not having it. The only place she had to sleep that night other than my place was at her work where "Taylor" was and that was not very comforting.

Over the next few weeks we rarely talked. But she kept insisting to see me, and well, she is my weakness after all. I demanded that she quit her job. She didn't take that seriously. So I demanded that she stop her relationship with him. After some back and forth she agreed. She told him she wanted to stop and showed me the texts to prove it.

She said she wasn't having sex with him anymore, and that she was purposely trying to get him moved into a different "home" so that they wouldn't be around each other anymore. My trust with her was completely broken at this point.

One day she comes home to my house belligerently crying. She tells me that the night before her and "Taylor" got caught in his room by the night guard, the police her called, and she got fired from her job.

I had never seen her cry so hard. I felt that she deserved her punishment, if not more, but "Taylor's" parents decided not to press charges so she was not arrested. I knew at this point she was homeless, since she wasn't living with me anymore and she had just gotten kicked out of her room at work.

I picked her up and carried her to my couch, I held her while she sobbed until she couldn't anymore. I carried her to my bed, made her some tea, tucked her in, and let her sleep it off.

I ended up letting her move her mattresses into my room, and she stayed with me for a few weeks until my roommates figured out she was hanging around the house a lot and asked about it. My gf moved in with her parents after that until she found another job and a place to stay.

Why did I do this? I don't know. She had broken my heart for the second time. Seeing her cry uncontrollably in the fetal position was too much for me to take.

I went through her stuff again and found out that before she got caught with him by the night guard, they were still seeing each other. They were still saying "I love you" and "babe" and all that. She had lied to me even after I confronted her. I don't understand how she could do this to me.

This whole time she is begging to have me back. I won't budge even though I am still in love with her. My anger keeps me from going back. I even asked her if she could promise me she would never cheat on me again, AND SHE COULDN'T ANSWER! Later when I confronted her about that, she said she just couldn't promise me because she was scared. And that of course when someone tells her to do something she naturally wants to do the opposite. After enough fighting she finally realizes that fighting me on this won't help. She tells me that the best way for her to show me that she truly loves me is to respect my decision and give me what i need. I really appreciated that.

My top surgery dates comes around and she says she still really wants to be there for me through it. She was originally supposed to drive me to the hospital and care for me afterwards but since we had broken up I got some family to come up and help me instead (I told my sister everything that happened in our relationship. She felt it was very unhealthy but loved my gf so much she was willing to be cordial). I let my gf be there for me, and she was a huge help.

I even let her stay with me over this last New Years (don't worry I didn't give her a New Years kiss). The week she stayed with me was VERY up and down but we got through it and had some really good talks where we could understand each other better.

So now I'm here, still broken up with her, but also still in contact with her. She wants me back eventually, although we both agreed we shouldn't be in a relationship right now. We both need to grow as individuals and be in relationship with ourselves first.

She was lost virtually everything from this mistake. She lost her relationship, her job, her coworker friends, the trust of the other boys she cared for, her future working in this field and with children, and her chances of going to grad school, making good money, the respect of her parents, etc. She is going through a really hard time right now. She says she can barely look at herself in the mirror, but she refuses to give up. She wants to better herself from this mistake, grow up, and be a good person.

I have lost my faith in her. I find her less attractive now. I have an extremely hard time believing anything she says, even things that are clearly true. My fear of her lying and cheating clouds my mind. I went from such a high point with her at my brother's wedding, to such a low point afterwards.

It insults my manhood that she chose a 17 year old over me. My insecurities over my genitalia are significantly higher now. I have become a person I do not like. I am a very good person and i have a huge heart, but her sexual indiscretions (I didn't even list all of them) have hardened me. I find myself to be so much angrier now. I am angry everyday. Although I do have some times where I am happy and can put what she did behind us, most of the time I am bitter and wallowing in my own sorrow.

I am so much more controlling now. I am constantly worried about where she is, who she's talking to, etc.

She told me yesterday that "Taylor" has been trying to contact her over the phone. And she responded to him the other day. She said she is glad to know that he is okay and that she is fine with leaving it at that.

But I am worried. I am worried she will see him again without my knowledge. I know we are broken up but we are still having sex every once and a while and pretty much acting like we are still together.

She says she is changing. She says she won't do it again but I have a really hard time believing that because of what happened in the past.

She says to move on from that, and that I'll never see her progress if I dont open my eyes and see what she is doing in the PRESENT to prove she is loyal. She knows it will take time... She says she still wants to marry me, have me be the father of her children and grow old with me.

I don't know guys. On the one hand, she is my other half. But on the other, she hurt my heart, what do I do??

I know it may seem obvious to some of you. But leaving someone is really hard. Her and I have been through SO much together, and we want to be in each other's lives. II've never been able to be so real with another person. There is something about the way we operate when we are getting along that is just heaven on earth. When she is able to be vulnerable with her, I fall in love with her over and over again. I love this girl deep down to her core, and I know she feels the same about me because she has been by my side through some of my toughest times. I guess I'm just trying to figure out if I'm completely insane for even still talking to her. And i'm trying to figure out in what capacity i can have her in my life.

Thank you so much for reading this, you guys are awesome. I started posting on here at 17 years old and you guys have never let me down.

Much love,

ICOAUN(&&&)