Okay, so here's the thing Ive need dating this girl for over three months, and things have been great. We totally clicked, etc etc. There's just this one issue Her friends want to drink. I guess she kind of does too. They're all underage (with the exception of the friends' siblings). She says I can trust her and that she knows not to drink a lot and that it "won't be dangerous". I hate drinking. The thought of her drinking overwhelms me and makes me cry. This might be because of a past dark time or other negative things in my life regarding alcohol. The thing is, I don't want to be this over controlling girlfriend dictating her life. After all, its her life. But she does care what I think. At one point, when it slipped out she got drunk with a friend and the friends brothers, she saw how negatively affected I was and promised not to do it again without consulting me before hand. Unfortunately that time has come and she asked me how I'd feel. I didn't react in the most positive fashion (although I honestly wasn't too negative and didn't even cry), and she got worried that she worried me. Really I just don't know what to do. If I claim I'm fine with it, I'll be lying and if something happens to her I'll never be able to forgive myself. I also will feel hatred towards her friends since I do feel that they are a cause in the drinking. If I admit my feelings, she might feel closed in and feel like I'm trying to drive a wedge between her and her friends. If anyone has any advice/been in a similar situation, please share.
Some people like to drink and some people don't. If you were negatively affected by alcohol, you just might not be compatible. Personally, I'm the same way as you. My Dad was an alcoholic, but got better and nicer to us with rehab so I grew to hate the alcohol instead of him as a person. That made it so, I forgave HIM, but distrust ANYONE around alcohol. I tend to only date teetotalers or people who drink socially but don't really get drunk. It's kind of a preference and unfortunately in your situation, neither can really be happy with the set up/
It is absolutely reasonable to have values that are important to you, and to expect that the person you're dating will share those values. There are a lot of people who only date others that avoid drugs and alcohol. There are reliable statistics that teens who start drinking or using any drugs (including marijuana) at an early age (i.e, before age 16) are far more likely to have issues with addiction. There is also very sound evidence that using alcohol or drugs or weed in the teen years can have a significant and long-term impact on brain development and cognitive function. So you are right to be concerned, and smart to avoid this for yourself. There's also a predisposition that some people have, based on their neurochemical system, to want to use alcohol and drugs, and for these folks, using alcohol or drugs at all is extremely risky, as there is essentially a neurochemical "switch" that turns on addiction, and once turned on, it is near impossible to turn off. If there's a history of substance abuse or chemical dependency in her family, the risk is that much greater. I would suggest having a conversation with her. Perhaps explain why this is important to you, and be clear that her being honest is really, really important. And then see where she stands. You can't control her behavior, but you absolutely can and should set boundaries on what sorts of behaviors are acceptable to you in a girlfriend. If it's important that you be with someone who doesn't do these things (and that's a very reasonable boundary to set), then she can make a choice between being with you, and continuing to drink. Her answer will also tell you a whole lot about her risk and the pattern that's likely to happen for the future. If she is resistant to giving up drinking... the relationship probably won't work, as she's already showing addictive tendencies. If the relationship with you is more important (and she keeps her word), that says a lot about her commitment to the relationship.
I'm with creativemind, there's a difference between drinking and getting drunk. The first one is reasonable, the second just shameful. (To me anyway.) It sounds like she is trying to be understanding on this topic. Although it also sounds like the company she keeps couldn't care less. So you're right to suspect she might feel the wedge effect. But if you can reconcile yourself to the idea that drinking ≠ drunking you have a future with her. It's like spending is OK, going broke is not. Eating is OK, binging and purging is not. You both sound like reasonable people. I predict you can work it out. ---------- Post added 14th Jan 2017 at 11:16 AM ---------- Oh I must have glossed over the underage part. Take account of what Chip says too. I didn't really start drinking, even socially, until my 30s. Just lucky genes I guess, not because of any great abstemious virtue.
There's nothing wrong with asking your girlfriend not to do something that's illegal and can be dangerous. My girlfriend and I are both of-age. Her family has a history of alcoholism. I drink and she doesn't. If she asked me not to, I wouldn't because I understand. Talk to her about it. Instead of thinking about it as policing her behavior, explain to her why you feel so strongly about her drinking. Have the conversation at a relaxed moment, not when she's about to have a drink. As for her friends, if her not drinking drives a wedge between them, then that's their problem. Drinking shouldn't be the only thing they have in common. If it is, they're not very good friends.
