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Exciting and unusual: dating someone in a open relationship

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Gleeko0, Jan 15, 2017.

  1. Gleeko0

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    Hey.

    So, I went on a date with a guy [lets call him L] I've been talking with for the past month. He has a boyfriend, and they are on a open relationship. We met on a well-known dating application. On it both persons must "like" each other in order to get in touch. I'm describing this because 2 weeks ago I started talking with L's boyfriend via this application, lets call him D.

    This means L and D became interested in me, and I am interested in them. They both know and have been talking about me with each other.

    After going out with L in what was a fairly romantic and emotional date, definitely not something "just for fun", as I felt, I feel really displaced and terribly confused, somewhat scared, but at the same time very interested.

    I talked with L about his relationship. He talked about D, they sure like each other, they sure have issues like any other couple, and the more I got to know L, the more I started developing feelings for him. Yesterday was magical. I'm not yet in love, and I'm trying not to, but I sure believe this guy has some potential to get me off my sanity tracks.

    I love L's frankness. Because I am very frank too. We just, and simply, say things. No bullshit, we mostly just throw it away. And that's hard to find, isn't it? No playing around, we just express it in words.

    But somethings, somethings we have to keep to ourselves. As I kept that I may with to be more than friends-with-benefits with him, perhaps with them both. Who the hell am I kidding? I threw all my charm on him yesterday, I want to get him to admire me, to like me. And I do want to go out and get to know D as well, and I told them both about that.

    The way we and L stared at each other and passionately kissed yesterday, well, that was not something casual. I didn't hide it. My body language was pretty much screaming what I felt, and his too. I've never seen someone stare so profusely, not even my ex-boyfriend that claimed to love me. And, for the first time, that didn't feel scary. It felt, I don't know, it just felt right. It didn't feel absurdly intense, it felt intense in the right amounts.

    In one of my past casual encounters, I did display a lot of affection to the guy and he seemed somewhat uncomfortable with it, but he just went along. It was something casual at that point. With L, I felt corresponded.


    I'm venting this off here, because I don't know how right or wrong this is. I mean, what the hell?

    Look at this mess of a situation I put myself in. I love it. I certainly don't want to come out of it soon. But I don't want to ruin someone's relationship, even thought Its not what I feel I am doing, I know this has the potential to in so, so wrong ways.

    Any advises? :help:
     
    #1 Gleeko0, Jan 15, 2017
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2017
  2. Chip

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    Each couple that is in an open relationship sets different rules, but one of the rules that is usually pretty important is authenticity. In that way, the idea of "keeping things to ourselves" is dangerous to L and D's relationship. And that, too, is one of the big problems with open relationships: Very often, one or the other party ends up having stronger feelings for someone else than for their current partner. And people end up getting hurt.

    If you can cultivate an open and honest relationship with both of them, then perhaps it's workable. But if you simply find yourself falling head over heels for L, everyone may end up getting hurt. If you want to prevent that, I'd suggest that all three of you get together and talk.
     
  3. Aspen

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    What Chip said. If you're going to pursue a relationship with one--or both--of them, I urge all of you to talk it out and set boundaries. Are the three of you in a closed relationship or are some/all of you open to pursue other relationships? What happens if one couple breaks up? What happens if one person's feelings are stronger than another person? What happens if one couple wants to be more serious? What are the boundaries--for romance and for sex?

    Open communication is key in any relationship, but it's especially true when there are multiple people's feelings and expectations involved.
     
  4. Gleeko0

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    You are right. I want to disclose this to L, or more specifically to them both. I just hope L doesn't end up having stronger feelings for me, I feel thats a possibility.

    As for talking with them, I really want that to happen. I think its too soon, perhaps I should met with his boyfriend first and get to know him (he is from my city, L is not.). Yesterday, L proposed for the three of us to meet and hang out. I said I thought I was a good idea.

    ---------- Post added 15th Jan 2017 at 03:57 PM ----------

    I feel those boundaries are not tightly set between them, as L told me he feels bothered that D hangs out and has sex with other people. But he also told me he would feel bad to not in a open relationship. The day before that, particularly, D went out with someone and he had sex, he told the experience to L and L said that he asked his boyfriend to not speak to him for a while because he had to think things through. That's when I came in, and he said that hanging out for the day helped him alleviate his mind.

    Yesterday we only kissed, I feel there was a "lets not rush this" non-spoken agreement between us. And after the talk I described, and the feelings exchanged, I felt they must have some issues related to where to set the boundaries, specially L.

    Thanks for setting these questions, I will make sure to think about them when we talk.
     
    #4 Gleeko0, Jan 15, 2017
    Last edited: Jan 15, 2017
  5. Gleeko0

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    Update: L told me that today they decided to have a closed relationship for a while, and that this decision is not permanent.

    Probably has to do with the boundaries problems I mentioned earlier.

    I'm sad and glad this happened, as this will prompt me to try to forget this story for a while. Too much happening at once
     
  6. Godless

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    Open relationships are terrible ideas. I'm sure they work hypothetically, but honestly casual sex does not work. No one heard of a 40 year long open marriage. Maybe this is me making too many assumptions, but this situation is how people get hurt and confused. Isn't everyone looking for someone to come home to, someone to spend their lives together? Why compromise that? Even if both people are healthy, then isn't it potentially harmful to third parties feelings who might get hurt? There are plenty of fish in the sea.
     
  7. Gleeko0

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    Although I admit it's exotic, even for an open minded person like me, I never thought open relationships were a bad idea because I don't feel particularly interested in traditional monogamous relationships. Neither am I particularly interested in open ones. Perhaps just non-tradional ones.

    But yes, you are right. In this case I am the third party and i do feel hurt about all of this.

    But I'm feeling better. There is an update: me and L, we are still speaking, sometimes even frenetically. I'm being very respectful to their relationship. There's plenty of place between us to nurture a nice friendship, and that includes his bf if we ever hang out again.

    I know it's bad to build expectatives, but I'm more of "you never know" right now.

    The nice thing about a flexible, non-tradional relationship, which I think this couple may be up to, is that there is always place for one more; more problems, more issues, more emotions, but also more love.

    We never know.

    I do value L's friendship, and he doesn't seem to want to cut contact. So, let's go along with the road, someday the tracks may cross again.
     
  8. Chip

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    This is pretty judgy. "Open relationship" and "casual sex" aren't the same thing. Among couples who choose to have open relationships, there's an enormous variation in what that means. Most couples -- the ones who make it work in the long term (more on that in a minute) set clear expectations and boundaries, and discuss rules about transparency and other things. When approached thoughtfully and with mutual respect, it can absolutely work.

    That said, the way this relationship was evolving didn't sound like it met those criteria, which is why I suggested what I did. And it sounds like the couple had some conversations and decided they weren't ready for an open relationship... which is both wise and shows a level of mutual understanding that is a good sign.

    That's actually not at all true. Keep in mind that people with open relationships don't go around generally blasting to the world that they have an open relationship. But most certainly there are lots of people who have been in very long, committed relationships that have openness in them. Therapist Joe Kort, who has worked with gay couples for close to 30 years, says that about 40% of the gay couples he has come in contact with, who have been together for more than 5 years, have some level of openness to their relationship.

    Different people see this in different ways. Not everyone sees some sort of sexual activity outside of the bounds of traditional monogamous marriage as being in conflict with the above.

    That said, I do agree that it takes an unusually healthy couple, one that has extraordinary ability to talk openly and authentically, to delve into difficult and uncomfortable topics, to walk straight into the deepest of the fears... to be able to make this work effectively in the long term. Joe Kort does not recommend a couple consider an open relationship until they have been together at least 5 years, because the level of trust and mutual understanding often takes that long (and often much longer, if ever) to achieve. And if not done carefully... it is possible for one or more people to get hurt.

    The same rules apply with polygamous relationships. I've known people who are in healthy 3 and 4 person relationships, but again, these are rare, and they involve people that are very open and authentic and willing to delve into uncomfortable stuff.

    All of the above said... I don't think an open or a polygamous relationship would be the right thing for me. But with the above caveats, it can totally be the right thing for some people.
     
  9. Gleeko0

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    I had a very short contact with L, I'm still getting to know him, but he seemed like an exceptionally transparent and frank person, hence my interest, and the qualities needed for an open relationship you mentioned. Which prompts me to what you said; it seemed to me that is the direction they seemed to be trying out in their relationship (openness, transparency, lots of talking), but L himself was not feeling that comfortable with some lack of boundaries like allowing meeting people for sex or just non-sexual encounters. He seemed bothered by the possibility his boyfriend having sexual encounters in the frame of their open relationship.

    It must be very complex even when approach thoughtfully, and with mutual respect

    From what I was told, the main reason they had it open is that L is the younger, he has the same age as me, 21. Being the younger he had much less experiences and encounters (his bf is around 23 I guess). He started going out with guys 2 years ago, although he knew he was bi much earlier. L seemed to be the stronger part in wanting it to be open or flexible, but he doesn't feel 100% comfortable with it himself. We had a short talk about that part of his relationship during our date.

    I don't think the reason I mentioned is completely healthy for justifying an open relationship, although I don't condemn it. Its mainly because I think It may represent someone that is not ready for a relationship at all, even if that sounds somewhat counter-intuitive on my case haha (I feel like I want lots of experiences as well, I'm young too)

    As for your suggestion, even if I want it a lot, I think for me to be accepted in such a conversation I would need to already have a friendship or some kind of affectionate relationship with one or preferably both of them. I think I didn't even evolve beyond a "casual" encounter, although it was emotionally intense and not sexually motivated.

    Either way I'm happy I found a new friend that understands me the way I am, the last thing I want to happen is more people getting hurt because of misunderstandings, like I probably misunderstood L's intentions in going out with me having nothing to do with getting to know me more, but just having fun instead, even if not sexually.

    This whole situation prompts me to think;

    How do polyamourous "groups" form? Does a couple firstly actively search a third (or more parties)? It happens "by accident" like a couple that is on a open relationship and then end up liking a third one, and then close this relationship forming a triad or something? So many possibilities, its crazy haha
     
    #9 Gleeko0, Jan 19, 2017
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2017
  10. Gleeko0

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    Update:


    Me and L are still talking on a regular basis, sometimes for 3, 4, even 5 hours straight when we are both free from study/job. A few days ago we suggested movies for each other, and we ended up watching a new movie (netflix, at our respective homes, not physically present) more or less at the same time, and proceeded to talk about it. It had very deep meanings about love, unusual relationships, loneliness and companionship. We spent part of the dawn talking about it immediately after watching it. It felt nice, and somewhat romantic on my view.


    The update is: I have explicitly stated that I want to meet and know him and his boyfriend, better (emphasis). At that point we were talking about how the world would be easier if people just talked about their feelings, without bullshit. A point we had talked before and agreed as true. So I just put it on the table. I also said I didn't want to invade their relationship, be intrusive or disrespect them in any way. Just that I wanted to know them better, as a friend, after all, we have to be friends before suggesting anything beyond friendship.

    He read it, for a minute, and then said. "I got what you meant. I will talk to my boyfriend and see about hanging out together, the three of us". Then we even talked about some places we might go, the three of us.

    So, at this point, I just hope his boyfriend, D, agrees about meeting me with L. D is not that jealous one, L is. So, I think that if L is up to it, then D will probably be up for it too.

    I feel considerably lighter after saying it explicitly. Because I had stated my intentions in indirect ways before, but not like "I want to know both of you, better". At this point I feel satisfied, I don't need to push this subject, I will give him time to talk about it with his BF, about hanging out with a third.

    I'm excited, a bit scared too, because if this materializes, I will have to deal with a completely new situation, that is both exciting and scary, in a way that I won't know exactly how to behave. I guess I will definitely have to go with the flow, something I'm not really used to. I usually over-plan things, I'm not very spontaneous. But I have no grounds to plan anything, this is completely new to me, and to any friend that could possibly give me an advice about this haha

    Lets wait and see how his boyfriend responds to this, I'm hoping for a positive reception, but deep inside me I know this is kind of unknown territory and that a negative reception is extremely possible, as in him, D, not wanting to hang out with me at all along with his boyfriend.
     
    #10 Gleeko0, Jan 27, 2017
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2017