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Hopeless

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by pgc317, Jan 16, 2017.

  1. pgc317

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    When I first came out as gay to my parents, my mom had two primary fears: 1) my eternal damnation and 2) the possibility of me never finding love. Even before I came out, she made it clear that one of her biggest wishes for me was to fall in love and to fully understand and enjoy its unparalleled comfort. The comfort of knowing that someone is waiting for you to come home. The comfort of knowing that they worry about your safe return. The comfort of waking up next to the one you love and just watching the rise and fall of their chest and listening to their gentle breathing as they drift in dream land. The comfort of the warmth of their body against yours as you cuddle on the couch. The comfort of just looking into their eyes and knowing you're truly loved and not alone. The comforts I worry I will never have the joy of knowing more and more with each passing day.

    I watch as the people around me, both friends and strangers, cycle from one significant other to the next while I hopelessly despair over never even getting a single date. They enjoy all the fruits of love right in front of me as if they are unintentionally teasing me with what I desire more than anything.

    It goes like this: something (a cute couple whatever what have you) triggers an emotional response inside me. It starts as a well of jealousy that caves in on itself which feels like a sinking feeling in my chest. That sinking feeling evolves into a wave of chills that washes over my entire body. These chills make me physically shiver, therefore craving the warmth and comfort of another only to realize that "other" doesn't exist for me. And the cycle repeats until I become exhausted under a heap of despair and loneliness.

    It isn't enough to be surrounded by friends and family who love me. I love them too, but it's a different kind of love. The love I desire is a form unbeknownst to me -- the romantic type of love. The intimate type of love. A love that only a true love can give to you. A love I will never know.

    And through all this, I feel like it is all my fault. I'm not good enough, not attractive enough, not skinny enough, not... enough. After around a year and a half of online dating experiments, the only thing I ever accomplished was a few dates with one guy. A guy whom I friend zoned after three or four dates despite his interest in me because I knew that sex would be expected and I couldn't possibly open myself up like that, both physically and emotionally, because of all the shame I hold inside me. I couldn't bear the thought of him seeing what's beneath my clothes. I couldn't bear the thought of him seeing everything I kept bottled up inside. I discarded the only guy to ever show a shred of interest in me because of my own intense insecurities in an effort to avoid rejection, only to bring about that rejection with my own actions. There is no reason for me to believe that I wouldn't do this all over again even if another guy did give me a chance my some sheer miracle. It's an unbreakable cycle of loneliness.

    I feel like a failure. I failed and continue to fail to experience one of the most basic human emotions. Something that comes so simply to everyone else is a daily struggle for me that seems never ending. The simplicity of it makes it even more frustrating. I have never felt so alone in my entire life, and with each passing day I become more hopeless that I will never find love.
     
  2. WarmEmbrace

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    Hello PGC

    Therapy will help you find out why you cannot open up. Your own thoughts about yourself not being good enough are dragging you down. Therapy will help you love you, and then ( and only then) you will be able to love others without shutting them out, and so you have a true chance of finding that love that you so wish for :slight_smile:.


    I am lso quite confused in my head, and mi-aliged with my body, and experience intense feelings of dysphoria about it, but even so I have had so far five significant relationships in my life, each of them lovely in their own way. The one that meant the most to me, (and I had really thought it was for life), was the one where I was the most open with my SO, and have allowed myself to be vulnerable. Incidentally it was also the one where I was hurt the most when things fell apart, but in the end the saying is true: "It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.'
     
  3. PatrickUK

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    If you read your post back you will notice a lot of catastrophic commentary about yourself, your life and your future. You have, it seems, completely resigned yourself to nothingness and despair, even after eloquently describing what you truly desire and I wonder if your outlook and emphasis on what you are not/don't have is partially responsible for this situation; for there is no doubt that our attitude can influence our circumstances for good or ill. I'm not saying all of this to attack you or diminish how you actually feel, but it is worth thinking about.

    You told us your mom had two primary fears and you seem to have embraced at least one of them. I wonder how you feel about the first point, about eternal damnation? Do you believe there is any credibility in what she says about this? Even if we don't enjoy a good relationship with our parents, we cannot entirely remove ourselves from their influence on our lives and the things they raised us to believe, so I just wonder how you feel about both of your mom's comments. How did you feel when she said all of this to you?

    As I read your post, the ugly head of shame was right there. On so many levels your words described shame of some kind and all of the distress and misery it was causing, so I wonder how you would feel about talking it through in therapy. Have you considered this?

    Do not fall into the trap of believing all of this crap, because it is a trap that has claimed so many before you. Refuse to be a victim and get yourself into survivor mode - whatever it takes.
     
  4. pgc317

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    Thanks for the responses you guys. I didn't write this intending to post it here. It was formatted as a journal entry of mine, but I decided to post it here to get feedback.

    Patrick, my mom has come around on the 1st point and, though it stung initially, I have to give her credit for the progress she has made. I came out in June 2015 and she just recently (a few weeks ago) apologized for everything. On your other points, I can't seem to muster the courage because (get ready for it) I'm too ashamed to admit to a therapist that this is even a problem. Something as simple as having a meaningful relationship with another person literally comes naturally to the vast majority of everyone else. I feel broken in this regard.
     
  5. richr

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    I've been through a similar episode like you too, pgc. I have to admit, I still feel that way sometimes, but I've gotten a lot better.

    What I realised is that I first needed to work on my relationship with myself, i.e. to not hate myself and be at peace with myself. I had to shift the focus from desiring a partner/questioning why I'm alone and no one wants me to getting to know myself better. I went on a journey to find out why I feel a certain way and what causes it (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is a great tool for this), what truly makes me happy and what I can do to be happier. Through this journey of discovery I started trying little baby steps towards loving myself more.

    One of my sources of insecurities is my body shape. I want to have a leaner, more masculine physique. I researched a wholesome diet and exercise plan that suits my preferences/character, and gave myself mini targets and rewards, e.g. if I have had 4 good gym sessions each week I'd treat myself to a little gift/meal. I avoid unrealistic goals. When I see my body changing slowly, it makes me feel increasingly better and motivated each day.

    I started spending more time with friends I can really talk with. I'm not ready to spill my guts, but I'd verbalise certain thoughts and feelings and get their views. They've been good help at putting things into perspective and getting me out of my shell a bit more.

    I also invested more time into getting better at my hobbies. I like cooking and baking, for example. I'd pick up some challenging but achievable recipes (e.g. French macarons), and keep practicing. I was positively ecstatic when I got a perfect batch after 40 tries. Such an immense sense of achievement and pride, especially when seeing my friends blown away!

    These adjustments have helped me learn to be more self-aware and less self-conscious. I found self-worth in acknowledging that I have strengths and the capability to be really good at something. Of course, the affirmation from my friends helped heaps. I have learned to be less critical of myself and give myself a chance to prove that I can keep upgrading myself.

    I really do believe that if I keep going towards self-love, the day will come when one very special guy destined for me will notice me for who I really am (not who I pretend to be) and be genuinely in awe and in love of the values, talents and character I have nurtured.