Okay so when meeting new people I obviously don't start things off by reading off my disorders, want to make good impressions here. But I find that by not doing this I'm still going to make weird/bad impressions regardless. I've always had issues interacting with others. It was really bad in middle school, still there in high school but covered up by other issuses, and somewhat better now but remains a problem at times. I can talk to people, strangers even, but my voice and the way I carry myself is constantly shifting. I'm 'normal' around my best friend. Deep, even tone of voice. Relaxed posture, confidant walk. Still polite, but nonchalant attitude. Can be comical and forward if I so desire. With strangers it fluctuates a bit. The elderly love me because of my inability to be purposefully rude in public. Always hold the doors, let others cut in front of me. Let someone else have the last of an item. Always say good morning, hellos, thank you, etc. smile, never frown. speak softly, always apologize and step aside for everything. (Creeps out the young cis straight guys a lot) In professional settings, however, it changes. Sometimes I can maintain my normal tone and volume. Others my voice regresses to that of a preteen and I get, well uh submissive? It's hard to describe without watching me switch in person. I've always been soft spoken, thank you years of emotional abuse, but it's gotten ridiculous. No eye contact, at work I try to find something on my bosses to stare at or a point near them. The voice thing, too high, too soft, breaks a lot, stuttering mess of gibberish when I speak to soon or fast. I'm always doing things for my coworkers, I'm a suck up to the boss, yes man type. But it's like I can't not help anyone. I literally stop what I'm doing and find the quickest way to help whoever asks. It's not uncommon to see me sprinting around helping various people at night. My anxiety flares when someone needs help and I'm unable to provide. Now A couple years ago I got diagnosed with a bunch of things, but I threw the papers away in a fit of teenage angst/rage and pronounced all my doctors idiots. Never went back for any of my follow ups and stopped all medications. But now that my head is clearer and my emotions are more stable since I've been out of school I've noticed that I do have those symptoms and they're probably why I act so weird in different settings. Avpd (avoidant personality disorder) I basically cannot do conflict. I'll do anything to avoid it. Even on a subconscious level. Probably why I regress so much at work. People general find my work self non-threatening, reliable, cute, and a little odd. I am dobby the house elf? Anyway, people won't hurt you if you don't give them a reason to. OCD I have certain things at work I must do, like clean up after my coworkers becuase their trash is messing me up inside. Make sure my work gets done by a certain time, even if I have to skip breaks and cut lunches short. Etc. Anxiety disorder (can't remember which one, threw out the papers) but the gist was that I don't do socially interactions. Don't know how, don't like them, don't want them. I've actually gotten better with that one. But i swear my coworkers still think I'm autistic. There was some argument between my doctors on whether I was antisocial or high fuctuioning autistic. They wanted to redo some tests but I never went back. It's a mess. My friend finds the whole thing hilarious. My coworkers think I'm someone I'm not. And I've been feeling some pretty gay/bi feelings to add on to things. But when people think you're a minor or an odd emotionally disturbed little man, it's kind of pointless. This concludes my info dump, sorry about that. Wanted to get it all out before I fell asleep again. And I'm sorry if this is in the wrong area, but I thought my problem might be relationshipy enough?
I have had a lot of the issues you described and some of the diagnosis when I was younger. TBH, meds don't really help these kind of issues. You need counseling so you can start getting to know yourself. You have to be able to get the point where you can acknowledge that You, everything about YOU, is important and just as or more so important than others. I say more so because there are times when you should put your needs above others. That was a very hard concept for me to get. I still haven't got their all the way. Work in progress. But that is where you have to start. Once you can really believe Your Own value then you can start to acknowledge that their stuff can wait often. They don't need you to clean up, to open doors, to be the one always doing. It can be equally shared, they can do their own thing, and You have the right to do yours. I know that will be a while down the road. Just start seeing a counselor and work on value in YOU, first.
