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All the affection took a halt so fast! im hurt! Advice?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by HoustonAtlanta, Jan 24, 2017.

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  1. HoustonAtlanta

    HoustonAtlanta
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    Hello, ive been friends with someone for about a year we met in Houston and now we both are in South GA....and about 4 months ago i came out to him, and i guess he came out to me because he said he likes dudes...but he never will admit to being gay or bisexual...

    When we first found out about each other..we would kiss hug, make out in the jeep in parking lots lol..he would send me lonnnggg messages saying how much he loved me and cared, and is thankful that i am his life. up until about 2 weeks ago. we dont hang out every day no more, he stopped saying he loves me, and we dont make out anymore...so i asked him whats wrong...and he stated that him and his on and off girlfriend of 4 years have started back talking. I am crushed! but still we have a friendship so i am thankful...BUT

    my question is....His girlfriend is a virgin...and is waiting until marriage...so not only is my friend bi (and wont say it)..but hes talking to a girl who is a virgin...and not only that you are hiding who you truly are towards her? how is that going to work? I didnt say these things to him, but it seems like thats going to make him miserable...

    And another question i have is he has been having these thoughts about same sex since a child..so there is not way his feelings for me are completely gone as he advised. I asked him when was the last time he masturbated? and he said "about a week ago but i was fantasizing about my girlfriend because i never seen her naked or had sex with her." he told me he doesnt have feelings for males anymore as he put it on the back burner...

    what do you guys get out of that? like ive moved on ( im still still hurting) but that is still my best friend....but i feel like he is lying because hes scared of his true feelings because of religion and stuff. The change in feelings happen so fast! like he barely writes me anymore or hangs out...and he always wishes me well hoping i find someone special...
    and i know how much we started liking eachother....he couldnt possibly be straight all of a sudden. he still textes me, still watches my snaps, etc.....i dont think one could ever turn straight...if the thoughts have been there since a kid, im pretty sure they never go a way....

    what are you guys' thoughts?
     
    #1 HoustonAtlanta, Jan 24, 2017
  2. Gravity

    Gravity
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    It sounds like, for a variety of reasons, your friend might be trying to deny his attractions to men, to you specifically, etc. You've already pointed out a couple possible causes for that, which are pretty common and understandable, even if unfortunate.

    Ultimately, the end of the story is that you won't be able to make this decision for him - maybe he is making a bad call here, but regardless, if he's going to acknowledge his attractions, he has to be the one to do so (and it very well might be the case that he will be ready to do so later, just not right now).

    If you want to give it one more try in the moment, I would suggest inviting him to meet and talk in a neutral place, and giving him a chance to explain his thought process, maybe to explain your concern for him as well - so long as you don't try to tell him he's wrong about his conclusions. Beyond that, if he's set on this course, all you can do is decide how close by you want to be while, for now, he goes down this path.

    Good luck!
     
    #2 Gravity, Jan 24, 2017
  3. Morse Code

    Morse Code
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    Some people think they have to hide parts of themselves to find love and be accepted. Most eventually find out that this doesn't work. Unfortunately you can only control yourself and not others.
     
    #3 Morse Code, Jan 24, 2017
  4. HoustonAtlanta

    HoustonAtlanta
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    Gravity, thank you for the response.

    We have talked several times about this. I always tell him (you have to do what makes you happy, and he always says, i am happy with getting back to my ex girlfriend and making it work) and i smiled and said i am happy for him....(but you know deep down inside i am hurting). And he always says in a nice common voice, please dont be sad...and i always say ill be fine....the only thing we do is like a brother type hug now...no more kissing..no more sexual stuff. It really hurt me one night when i spent the night and i went to go hold his hand like we normally do and he pulled away....i felt so embarrassed and filled with guilt.


    He also said "if youre my best friend like im your bestfriend" this will not make us part...i want you to be happy. but i know that hes not happy with her...but hey if thats what he wants to do then go for it. i just dont see how being with a girl thats a virgin, and you have your own crib and she doesnt even spend the night...i just dont see how that will work....there is no physical and probably barely emotion there.

    But hey, all is still good between him and I, but im today im just going to fall back. after he let go of my hand man that really hurt me. im gonna be single for a whilllleeee man
    and just focus on a better me
     
    #4 HoustonAtlanta, Jan 24, 2017
  5. resu

    resu
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    Because you are more than just a friend, he may need someone else to work out what he really wants. Ideally, it would be someone who has no vested interest like a professional counselor.

    Remember you can't control him, and maybe he just has to spend time with his girlfriend to realize what his relationship with you was like. Also, be honest with your own feelings. Don't try to put on a happy face if seeing him causes so much pain. That pain may be a sign you need to limit your interactions with him until your feelings cool down.

    As you said, focus on self-development so that you will be ready for someone who is equally interested in you.
     
    #5 resu, Jan 24, 2017
  6. HoustonAtlanta

    HoustonAtlanta
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    i am, im on day 2 so far so good...we text but i dont go down there...im doing good so far....

    Do you really believe the feelings are behind him? or do u think thats a lie? he told me those thoughts are gone.
     
    #6 HoustonAtlanta, Jan 24, 2017
  7. resu

    resu
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    People can rarely turn off (or on) their feelings quickly, but neither you nor I know what he really is thinking. He himself may not be entirely sure. While his words may state one thing, you can usually get a better idea by his actions.
     
    #7 resu, Jan 24, 2017
  8. HoustonAtlanta

    HoustonAtlanta
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    verrryyy true
     
    #8 HoustonAtlanta, Jan 25, 2017
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