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Frustrated by Not Being Out

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by St0rm, Jan 29, 2017.

  1. St0rm

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    Okay so I know my posts are always months apart and have nothing to do with each other, but I'm gonna make this anyways (basically anything talking about a crush isn't relevant anymore). Sorry for the long post.
    I'm getting to the point where I'm am starting to be irritable about everything because I'm not out yet. When my mom trys to talk to me, I always get mad about something. Every single school dance I have gone to, by the end of it I'm really pissed because everyone else has a date and I don't (this part is still fresh in my mind because our winter dance was yesterday). I was getting mad at my friend yesterday because she literally went up to a guy she has talked to maybe a few times in her life and just started making out with him. I don't have that option because I'm not out.
    I'm honestly really mad at myself most of all because I know that all these bad situations that I have in my head are never going to come true if I come out, yet I still believe them. The biggest reasons I haven't yet is because my Church is highly homophobic and the nearest gay-friendly church is about 30 mins away from me, and because I'm afraid of dissapointing my parents. I feel like I already dissapoint them enough because I don't eat right, and I don't regularly exercise. If I came out then I would dissapoint them because my older brother is gay too, and, my mom especially, has this image of me having a wife and kids stuck in her head. She is a nice person, but can be very unpredictable and unreasonable when talking to her and can say some pretty irrational things. I don't think she will kick me out of the house or anything, but again, I feel like she would be very dissapointed in me.
    I'm honestly to the point where I know I'm wasting my life by not being out, and it's driving me insane. Like I'm sometimes up at night, not able to sleep, because I can only dream of being with my crush (who is gay btw so no harm there) instead of actually being his boyfriend, or because I'm mad I can't be myself all the time (like I am awake now). I feel like I am almost to the point of minor depression. I think that once I'm out, I will try harder to be in shape and work out and help around the house, but until that happens I'm still stuck in this slump that I have been in for a while now and it sucks. I just sit on my computer for hours on end doing nothing else and it is starting to bother me too because I'm hesitant to make new friends because I don't want to be fake to any more people than I already am to so I am stuck with friends that never do anything.
    Idk. Writing about my feelings and posting them sometimes helps me sort them out in a more rational way than when I'm all caught up in my emotions. If you want to respond with advice or anything feel free to.
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    First of all, I want to say how bad it is that you are struggling with all of this. It's a long time since I was at school and struggling with the same sort of feelings as you, but I do remember what it was like and I know it's hard to push through it. I do want to reassure you that life gets better though. You may not think it right now (nor did I), but things do come together in the end if you persevere. In many ways, it's the same for some straight kids when they are at school. Sometimes, we don't discover the happiness of a relationship while we are at school because our confidence and self esteem isn't well developed and lots of other "stuff" is going on. Don't assume this is all down to your sexuality.

    You're already thinking about the future because you have looked into gay friendly churches where you will be welcomed without prejudice and you are considering the possibility of telling your parents at some point. This is all positive and part of the coming out process (and it is a process). I do think it's important to look at the bigger picture and not become fixated on telling all to everyone, because there is more to coming out that speaking the words. A good coming out requires a bit of forethought and planning, to make sure it happens without all of the drama.

    Just looking at your profile, it says you are out to 10-15 friends and you think most of the school knows, so I'm just wondering why this post seems to slightly contradict all of that. If you have come out to 10 or 15 friends, that's quite an achievement, don't you think?

    You are not wasting your life by not being out to everyone - yet. I was in my early 20's before I came out to anyone. I knew I was gay at school, but I lived in denial for a long time, but it didn't stop me from dating and finally meeting the right guy who I'm now married to. If I could do it, so can you!

    It is hard being closeted, or semi-closeted, but don't think you are wasting time by not being fully out. There is a lot you can do to plan how and when you will eventually tell people and doing well at school is an important part of your personal coming out journey. If you leave school with good grades you will set yourself up for a better, more independent future where the possibility of coming out and living as an openly gay guy is a reality rather than a dream.

    Stay focused on the big picture, rather than narrow ideas. It will all come together.
     
  3. St0rm

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    Yeah. It does seem that way that I'm contradicting myself by saying I'm not really out when probably most of my school knows, but as long as I never told them, I don't consider that being out. I had a running-in with another guy who I knew was gay and told him that I liked him. I don't know why I did it now that I'm looking back on it because I knew he had a boyfriend and that it would go no where, but anyways, that's besides the point. What I am trying to say is that he acted all cool about it, but ever since then, I have been getting some of my close friends that they overheard people talking about me being a "flaming homosexual" or other stupid remarks like that. That's why I said that most of my school probably knows.
    I know that 10-15 people probably sounds like a lot to you, and maybe it is, but I have only told friends that I know won't care or will support me. It's different for my parents because even though I'm 99% sure they wouldn't really do anything differently once I told them, it's that 1% that is holding me back. I guess once I tell them then it would make it easier for me to get out of my current church, (which I absolutely love everyone there, they just are really homophobic) but the problem of me loosing some of my closest lifelong friends by leaving that church would hurt a lot. I'm just mostly conflicted about which I want more. I am almost to the point that unless there is a serious reason for me to have to come out, I probably will just stay in the closet until college, even though I really don't want to.
    As you can probably tell by now, I am a terrible decision maker and go back and forth, basically, forever until someone decides for me, but that's actually the biggest problem is that no one can make this decision for me. I have to do this on my own and that's what scares me the most. I'm sorry I'm rambling on, but as I said in my last post, writing and posting things makes me feel better because I feel like I'm being the real me to at least some people.
    Thank you for the reply.
    ~St0rm
     
  4. TOM666

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    I agree with everything Patrick said and I'm rubbish at that you're only 15 , coming out to anyone that age is a huge achievement.
    Let's say you ere out to the whole school and they were, more or less, accepted the situation at your school dances would probably be the same, because few boys your age are openly gay.
    Boys your age are still figuring out their sexuality, your way ahead of your peers in terms of accepting yourself and knowing who you are.
    You should be proud of yourself for that!
    But you need to wait for your peers to catch up to you.

    When you go to college there will be so many opportunities to meet potential boyfriends.

    My own boyfriend is deep in the closet, he only admitted to himself that he's by a couple of weeks ago.

    I'm not sure I heard this right but if you have a crush with another guy who you know to be gay.uou should try to befriend him, you would have someone else to talk to about what you've been going through and your friends might blossom into something more.

    Good luck. (*hug*)
     
  5. CameOutSwinging

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    Have you tried talking to your older brother about this at all? Have you considered coming out to him? Obviously since he's openly gay, I imagine he could be a great source for you both in considering options with your parents and family, or even just help with explaining his experiences. Chances are he went through exactly what you're going through. He may be the biggest advantage you have in this.