Having a nightmare with my family

This is going to be long so I apologise in advance but I would appreciate any thoughts/advice/support etc. that anyone has to offer because I am really struggling here.

----

My parents have always been homophobic, however, I have always had crushes on girls and when I got older it turned into experimenting with girls but never really went further than a drunken kiss or flirty texts. I knew my parents viewpoints and didn't want to risk the drama. So I dated men and went about my business. Then I moved to London, where I was half way round the world and totally independent. I spent four years away and the experimentation with women became more prominent - I felt like I could do what I want and there was no issue with my parents finding out. I still felt like I would eventually meet a man and it would be fine though. Then I met this woman...

E and I clicked like I have never clicked with anyone before - it was amazing. We started dating and it quickly became serious. At the 7th month mark I was starting to feel the strain from hiding it from my parents and wanted to tell them. My sister already knew and had known from the start so it was just them left to tell in my immediate family. Most of my friends, in London and NZ also knew so I can gone through the process of coming out a bit on a social level.

I was terrified about telling my parents though and wanted to make sure I could get all of my words out coherently so I wrote them a letter (sent via email). It detailed my feelings around coming out, that I was now dating someone who bought me ridiculous amounts of happiness and how scared I was that they would reject me. I also offered to skype them whenever they felt ready to talk about it in more detail etc. I guess being away had dulled my memory on how much they were going to hate this but I hoped they would overlook their prejudices and hateful views because I was their daughter.

What followed in the following three weeks was utter hell - abusive emails, skype calls with my Dad because my Mum wasn't strong enough to even look at me let alone speak to me, texts asking how I could do this to them, berating me for not telling them in person, talking about how shameful it was and that I was just too lazy to find a man etc. At the three week mark point my sister called me and had a complete breakdown - telling me how bad it was etc. and begging me to come home. So I did, I booked a flight on Saturday and left on Monday (from London to NZ). I could only get a week off work but I figured it was better than nothing. That week was awful but we got through it.

I got back to London and the abusive emails continued - all in the same vein about how there was nothing left in me to be proud of and that I was selfish and cruel and how could I bring this embarrassment to the family. I went back again in April for two weeks and it was still pretty hard. By that stage I was living with my gf (my flat got sold and we planned to leave London together four months later so it made sense - plus, I wanted to) and we had plans to travel together (taking the long was home from London to NZ). I told my parents this, knowing that they disagreed with both of those things if you weren't married (my parents are very traditional).

The biggest issues my parents had were:

• I told them in a letter rather than in person or over skype
• If I was bisexual, why was I choosing to date a woman and upset the family. Why couldn't I just acknowledge my feelings for women and then put them aside and date/marry a man for the good of the family
• I had moved in with my partner and was planning on travelling with her
• I hadn't come home for good / been with the family when they needed me most

My Dad at this stage had said his piece and when I disagreed, left it at that. We carried on as normal as we could and he told me that even though he didn't like what I was doing, he understood I was an adult and needed to live my life for me. He has been my lifeline to this family and I honestly couldn't thank him enough. His first message to me when he read my letter was to tell me I was brave and that it couldn't have been easy. My sister said he did it while crying and my Dad is not one to show emotions so goes to show how upset he was.

My relationship with my sister has gone downhill. She is not homophobic but has disagreed with a number of decisions I have made (i.e. moving in with E knowing it would upset our parents more). She expected me to put my family first when things went bad and break up with E when it looked like I was losing the family. The issue here being that she was with a guy for five years who our parents hated and she broke up with him because she wanted a life where her partner was welcome and included. So she broke up with someone she loved, for the family, and she expects me to do the same.

Mum is conflicted between her hatred for what I am doing and her love for me. We can now spend time together without her getting upset and have just started texting again.

My Grandma (who found out right at the beginning when Mum told her) called me the shame of our family and refuses to look at me. She's from an older generation though so I fully expected that. Still hurts though.

I am back in NZ full time now though and have been spending time with my family more. If I could have this year back there would be so much I would change but I can't so I am trying to focus on doing the right thing moving forward.

My issue though is that I am struggling to think about a future with my gf (marriage and babies) because of my family. It's not fair on her to put a halt on our lives but I can't begin to contemplate a wedding where my Dad didn't walk me down the aisle or children that grow up without grandparents on my side. Being closer to my family is putting doubt in my mind too, making me think I am doing the wrong thing and maybe I should be breaking up with my gf and trying to find a man to marry just so everyone will be happy again. I guess technically I could be happy if I found the right man, I just don't see why I should be the one to give up my current happiness in order to fall in line with hateful beliefs. Every fibre in my being rejects the idea of breaking up with my gf and I know it would only end in me resenting my family and not being able to look at myself in the mirror. I just can't stand the heartbreak anymore.

This is also my first serious relationship and first relationship with a woman so everything is brand new. A part of me worries that I have nothing to compare it to and no one has ever broken my heart so how can I know the love I feel for her is enough? The other part of me says don't be stupid, you don't want anyone else and isn't this drama with your family enough heartbreak? If my family were on board I know that I would be able to give myself to her and this relationship fully, but because they aren't, I am stuck at a crossroads, cowardly and unsure of what to do.

Sorry for the length. Any thoughts or advice or anything greatly appreciated.

-KiwiGeek

TL: DR Parents want me to dump my gf and choose to be with a man for the good of the family. I don't know how to deal with potentially not having them in my life if I continue my life with my gf.

 

Thanks very much, really appreciate your comments and the idea of a therapist is a good one - will definitely look into that.

I'm sorry that your holidays were ruined, it must have been a shock to have her suddenly give you a hard time after being out for so many years. Family can really suck sometimes huh.

 

Thanks so much for sharing that video - it really resonated with my situation and how my family has reacted. I guess I am just completely terrified that if I tell them they need to cut it out and pull away until they do, that they still wont get over it and I will have lost them. Still, there were some good points in there and I do think I need to be stronger in some circumstances.

Thanks also for your comments, every time I am back with my family I start doubting myself so appreciate the reassurance.

 

Thanks Sawyer, appreciate your words. Sorry to hear you're going through something similar though, wouldn't wish this on anyone.