My boyfriend of Three years came out to me almost a year ago about him being sexually attracted to men... he says he literally "Cant " have a relationship with a guy... he says he can't even kiss a guy.... he also says his brother sexually abused him when he was younger.. he only is interested in oral sex with guys and tells me he's only experienced it a few times... NOONE knows he's BI and he doesn't want to ever come out.. he hasn't accepted it himself... he says its wrong, he's embarrassed and he " doesn't want to be this way"... i wish i could help but nothing i say changes his mind.. i am the only person who knows... He tells me the only way he would ever act on his sexual desires is if i was included.. but before he came out to me i found pictures of naked guys in his phone that he said was his friend playing a joke , then i found texts from a random number sexual content that he said was him just going along with it because it was funny , and i found his ****** account from long before we started dating ... so how is that not acting on it? He was looking up naked guys pictures and texting random guys sexually... I'm sorry but thats acting on it... He apologizes and says how wrong it was of him to do those things but i just feel like theres no way he wouldn't do it again... He says the only way he would act on it is if i was included but i don't know if id be comfortable with it..if i was more comfortable and confident in myself id probably be ok with it but I'm not right now.... but i also don't want to feel like I'm taking anything away from him... a few weeks ago ( long after he came out to me ) he came home from work and told me to take a picture of something outside for someone who was coming to do yard work and send it to them... well when i opened the pictures app i found a naked guy picture from that day on his way home... well i got mad because i thought he was messaging other guys to get these pictures but he said he just gets them off tumblr then tried to blame me and say its because i "never want anything to do with him"... but thats far from true , he just works everyday and when he gets home he complains about how tired he is so i don't try anything, then he tells me we do the same thing everyday and its boring now but he refuses to suggest anything to try... i also am having major problems with my weight gain i weigh a ton more than i did when we started dating and its due to medical issues so I'm not happy with myself so it makes me really upset and makes me think he'd rather someone else than me when these things occur... he assures me that not the case but its what i feel... when we go anywhere in public he looks at all guys and not girls and i never find naked pictures of girls and it makes me think its more than just that he's bi.. I've asked him about it and he says he already has me but i feel like thats not it.. I've asked him how does he know he wouldn't want anything to do with a guy one day or how does he know he can go without it and his answer is "why would i risk my life, marriage, and having kids one day with you to go just have oral with some guy that i can't be in a relationship with because i just can't do it I'm not emotionally attracted to guys... " but is that really a thing? can guys only be sexually attracted to a sex and not emotionally because he swears up and down that it is but i just don't see how thats possible... then i had a friend come over who while he was at work who is bisexual and so is her boyfriend and she was explaining to me that her boyfriend has accepted himself and they have threesomes often with girls and guys and her boyfriend deals with stress by going out and having sex or whatever with whoever and i was telling my boyfriend about their relationship and i got really upset and suggested maybe i should just allow him to go out and do what he wants with whoever and just be ok with it somehow even though i know i couldn't be okay with that... he says " but how would that make you feel" and i said not good but if he's happy its ok and then he says he doesn't want to do that and he claims he can live without it forever but i don't know why he would consider it then... He says he loves me but in my mind love is when you don't want anyone else, you don't need anyone else, but thats not the case here... I have a very bad case of anxiety so i worry on the daily.... when he isn't here I'm constantly worried he's out with someone because my past relationships everyone of them cheated and finding the stuff in his phone i know it had to have been hard for him but i don't know. He's a very sweet and good guy i just don't know how to ease my mind... i want to trust so bad but it doesn't help that i don't understand bisexuality and everytime i try to ask or talk to him about it he gets mad and thinks thats all I'm going to focus on for the rest of my life... Don't get me wrong i am a very open, honest, trustworthy and supportive person... i have PLENTY of gay , lesbian, bisexual, and trans friends, and i fully support it ..i just can't understand how I'm supposed to feel... i don't know much about being in a relationship with someone who's bi if I'm straight because i never experienced it for myself... i don't know how bisexuality works... and its different for everyone but with my boyfriend being so embarrassed about it i don't think he'd be completely honest with me about it... any advice helps.. Thanks in advanced.
First, I'm so sorry that you're feeling this stress. I wish I could give you the exact answer you need but this sounds very complex. I'll tell you what I can from my experience as a bisexual in a monogamous relationship. I am more attracted to women than to men, that being said my partner is a man. I accepted my sexuality a long time ago and have had numerous relationships with women that were emotional and physical. Each one fell apart for it's own reasons, but with him things are a bit different. I feel closer to him and I trust him more. Now obviously I'm still very attracted to girls, and he is aware of that. When I look at porn online it's always of women and when I see a hot girl, sometimes I'll point it out. I'll be clear here. I don't want to sleep with anyone other than my Fiance. He's all I really need. But I'm not dead, and neither is he. For us, we make it work by sharing our interests. We watch dirty videos together. We talk about hot girls. We are open with ourselves and eachother. We've even talked about each other's past sexual exploits. We don't add other people into our bubble because it's less about sex for us and more about our love for eachother. For some people that might work but for us it's better we just find something fun to watch and have each other to experiment on. I can't say what your boyfriend is feeling. I don't think it's good for him to be sneaking around to get pictures. But in the same way I can understand him feeling uncertain about sharing his sexuality if he hasn't even accepted it himself. You may need to have a talk about opening up to each other. If he's still acting sneaky after that then I'd be more worried. The good news is he did tell you he is bisexual so I get the feeling he at least trusts you.
All I can tell you is that sometimes it takes a really long time to accept yourself, like 30 years for me. Marriage will not fix him. I know. I am. The feelings might go away or subside for awhile but they return, its only a matter of time. I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, and I am sorry. Take Care Dean
and Yes it's possible, not just for guys but some women also. As far as oral, is he more turned on with giving oral to guys, or getting it? Being bisexual is different for people, there isn't one set thing for being bisexual. Some people only have sex in a relationship, but are open to a relationship with either sex. Some have a preference for straight or gay, but might also have a sexual relationship with a particular person who isn't from their sexual preference. I for example have only had sex with people who I was in a relationship with. All of those relationships have been with women, except for one guy, who I'm currently in a relationship with. My general desire is for only women, but I also desire him as well. No offense to any guys out there, but even the thought of having sex with some guy in general is very unpleasant. My BF is and has always been straight. He knows my history and my feelings, and is accepting of them. Some have no problems with threesomes, some won't do that. Of the ones that do have threesomes, sometimes it even depends on the kind of threesome, like a woman I know who is okay with 2 girls and a guy, but not being with 2 guys, and not doing certain things with a guy, and only if she knows the guy and girl well. You mentioned your BF likes the idea of oral with guys, I know a woman who doesn't want an emotional relationship with other guys, but has an oral fixation, likes to give oral sex, but only to guys. (although doesn't like to receive it, and not a big fan of any other sexual act, not like giving oral) Although she has a S.O, he can't satisfy her oral fixation. (actually no one guy probably could either.) Her desire for wanting to do this is purely sexual. If it wasn't for a concern for STD's she'd give head to any guy wanting it probably. So even though she has these desires, she doesn't always act on them either. I'm sorry, I wish I had some advice that would be helpful with your situation.
It looks like your boyfriend is being dishonest about what he wants and what he does. Remember that bisexuality, an orientation, does not automatically mean promiscuity, which is a behavior. Would you really be satisfied if he had naked girl pictures? I would call it cheating no matter who he is seeing. I know you have anxiety issues, but you need to turn to friends/family and anyone else who doesn't abuse your trust. Staying in a bad relationship is not better than being single.
