in love with straight girl best friend. sigh :(

hello, this is another story about falling in love with your straight best friend and needing help.

i'll try to keep it short - i don't identify as bisexual/lesbian, but i do know that i'm not completely straight, and no one knows.

i met L at 17, in college and we got along really well. we laughed a lot, i felt so emotionally connected to her, but drifted away for close to a year. we started talking again near the end of 2015 - i knew i wanted her in my life and i thought my feelings for her were gone, but well. our major exams were approaching, so I took the chance to ask her to study with me (and a friend), and for close to a month we practically hung out so much together. we had our initially awkward phase of settling into the friendship again, then things got really well again - talking lots, laughing lots. in one particular deeper conversation, we acknowledged each other as best friends and soul mates. she said our friendship leans on being romantic, but that's okay because we both know we're platonic. ((we do flirt in a jokey manner as most girls do, send each other hearts, etc.))

after college ended, she went overseas for about a month. and distance did really make the heart fonder, we texted quite a lot, on alternate days mostly. we were in that honeymoon phase of 'friendship' which felt like dating to me // i missed her so much, which i did tell her. and she said she missed me too, she would say things like "i wish you were here", call me affectionate names, update me on her life, says that sunrises reminds me of you and so on, and my heart would so melt. i make it clear that i like her a lot, and we exchange i love yous often.

after she came back we hung out once every week. in janauary this year i decided to talk about my feelings - i asked her where she thought our friendship was, be it platonic, platonic romantic etc.. and she said platonic romantic. she said we're very lovey dovey and she feels closer to me than anyone else. i agreed with everything, and i told her that i was worried i'll like her more than i should, that she confuses me, and that i didn't want to jeopardize our friendship. she took it really well(i must mention that she is a really kind, patient and understanding) person.

she said our friendship confused her too, because she's romantically attracted to me, but what helps to clear this dilemma is that, she wouldn't mind if i dated other people, she'd just be sad if i disappeared from her life should i start dating. we then agreed that we have is essentially like dating without sexual aspects, that we could define our own versions of friendship. she said that we could date as friends, and not lovers. i thought things would be really awkward after this conversation but we met again and it was one of our best outings.

i felt closer to her, physically. we were in the library reading up on a country we'd be traveling to soon, and we were sitting so close our bodies were touching for that few hours. i am usually the one who initiates physical contact (linking arms only though), but on that she linked arms with me, put her arm around my shoulder.. held me hand to lead me somewhere although it was only for awhile. one time we were walking and our hands kept knocking into each other, but she didn't move away. another time we were lying down, and our knees were touching, and she didn't move too. but then again i have to establish that she's touchy feely with most people (i don't get why not with me though, I'm not touchy feely but I initiate most of our physical contact exact that one day).

i don't know, i mean, i know she doesn't love me the way i do, but sometimes her actions.. sometimes i just blindly hope. i get jealous when she talks about guys but i hide it. i get sad when she takes ages to reply me.. but i completely understand that she isn't obligated to love me or treat me nicely just because i do. i understand that i harbor expectations because i see her as more than a friend, and that's an unfair burden on her, which is why i don't express my disappointment/sadness. (at how i have to initiate most things - texting.. going out.) at times i wonder if she's only reciprocrating because she's afraid she'll hurt me if she doesn't.

i know what cannot be - she told me she hoped to fall in love, and asked me if i wanted to fall in love too. i didn't reply her, talked about something else because fuck, i am so in love with her. and it hurts. it's valentines tomorrow and we're going for a picnic, she said she would cook for me and i was so touched. see, this is what confuses me.

i don't know. i plan to tell her about my feelings after our overseas trip ends, that'd be around march. at the same time this friendship is so precious and important to me. what do you guys think? thank you for reading this, it feels nice to get it all out because i basically have no one else talk to considering i'm not 'out'.

 

Thank you - maybe I should, I just don't want to pressure her with my feelings because I'm afraid it would jeopardize this friendship. Ahh.

Truly! She is the most accepting person I know.

Thank you for this! I know she loves me �� I wish I would stop having expectations of her just because I'm willing to sacrifice/go the extra mile.. etc because I understand she isn't obligated to treat me the way I treat her. I suppose, even if I try to view it objectively it hurts. And the more painful and disappointing it is, the more I want to distance myself away from her/tell her about my feelings.