I'm very angry and confused right now. My long distance love, who I was going to give up everything for, including my home, left me. A few days later she was begging me to talk to her. She was being flirty and affectionate, but no relationship talk. I didn't bring it up, because it felt good to be cared about after months of neglect and emotional abuse from her. It seemed like we were going to reconcile when she started to back off with the affection, turn her phone off at certain hours. I think there is someone else. I don't know what to do, because she has a volatile temper. If I say the wrong thing, she may be gone forever; especially if I'm wrong. She will be furious. I'm at a loss for what to do.
Why would you want to continue to be with someone who you're saying is volatile, negligent and emotionally abusive towards you?
HBI, I think I'll only confirm your intuition here, but it doesn't look like staying with her would be in your best interest. If you've been to the point of giving up everything you had, for someone who is that negligent and abusive with you, then there's clearly no point going forward with her. It may just end badly for you if you do. May I ask, what is abusive about the way she treated you? (just for the sake of context, you don't have to answer) As bad as it sounds, if you break up with her, you'll have the occasion to find someone who's considerate of you (and not abusive), and you'll have learnt what an abusive relationship is about, so that you can avoid them in the future.
Hi, Thanks for replying. It's actually my second relationship ever, and the first one was far more emotionally abusive than this one. I didn't know my first girlfriend was borderline until she unraveled and admitting cheating, lying, stealing from me and a host of other abuses such as posting online that I deserved condemnation and ridicule for being "too good" of a person, and she encouraged her friends to create fake online profiles to harass me. She even had a friend of hers pose as a psychic, call me and proceed to tell me that she "found my number through a vision" She actually thought I'd fall for that. Anyway, this girl makes that one seem saintly. She was amazingly kind at first. Then she became emotionally detached. She told me that she would consider moving here, then changed her mind. She told me that she would tell her parents about us, then said it had to be a secret. Then she said that I would never be able to move there, because if her parents found out about us they would disown her. Then she intentionally did things to try and make me jealous. Then the behaviors became truly concerning. She wouldn't talk to me for days if I made a joke she didn't find funny. She called me Saint in a mocking way when I tried to be optimistic, or stand up for my morals. She would tell me that she didn't know if her feelings for me real, or just something she conjured up. She would tell me, "go away" often; she made several plans to come and visit me, and cancelled them all. She would make promises, and break them all the time, or deny making them. At its worst, saying hello would set her off. She also would do or say really horrible things about herself in an attempt to make me leave, and when I wouldn't break up with her over those things, she became angry with me. I guess I was happy, because she wasn't as cruel as my first girlfriend. I was grateful for anyone talking to me, because I am a caregiver to a sick parent which keeps me pretty much isolated. I have no help.
I know that feeling of warmth after ice is nice. Emotional abuse , neglect can feel like that yeah (*hug*)
I'm sorry, HBI, that you had and have to go through all of that.. I'll only add to my previous post that your ex girlfriend was definetely abusive (I'm talking about potential gaslighting and manipulative levels of abuse), so, in a way, even though you have lost the (illusion of) warmth around you, you are free now. You can take a break from relationships, do things you like with nobody to mess with you like both of you ex did. As I see it, it's kind of positive. Now, I know the craving for the warmth of a relationship is strong, but that warmth you felt was an illusion, and, really, going out with friends or just talking with people who are into the same things as you, platonically, is incredibly better than a relationship with someone who is abusive with you. Can you plan activities with other people? Are you in any group that gathers around the same interests/activities (knitting, canasta, painting, photography, mapping, biochemistry, online poker, whatever)? There's no need to feel despair, or pain on the long term. Think of it like you are free now, and although your feelings are understandable and normal, try to think of taking care of you as much as possible (which even if you feel it is not a lot is already good). I think someone once said that being in a relationship when you don't know how to care for yourself is putting yourself in danger of being with abusive people. You may already be doing that, but then you need to learn that your wellness comes before the relationship you are in. To put it in a nutshell, you're free now, you don't absolutely need a relationship as much as you need human contact (digital and/or real), and the knowledge that whatever warmth a relationship brings you, it is not worth not calling out abuse (especially when it's hurting you that much). With that, have a nice day!
Thanks very much. Your reply definitely helps to put things in perspective. I'm going to do my best to enjoy my freedom, and take care of myself.
You deserve respect and definitely no violent anger. It doesn't matter what was the argument; she needs to control her anger, and she probably won't learn how if you keep staying with her. Being single is not perfect, but it is much better than a toxic, energy-draining relationship. Be kind to yourself. This is not your only chance at love. You will find someone who is stable and doesn't make you feel like walking on eggshells.
