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I love him.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by rch1, Feb 15, 2017.

  1. rch1

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    I don't know what to do anymore guys. This kid fucking destroyed me. For some background I fell in love with my best friend like 4 years ago, and finally told him how I felt about 6 months ago. And he responded by saying that he's straight but that he wants to be friends. And I thought that telling him everything would finally free me from thinking of him literally 24/7.

    But here I am 6 months later and my feelings are just as strong. The way I view him is kinda insane when I really think about it idk. He's fucking perfect in my mind. I've never been more physically attracted to anyone and I've never clicked personally with anyone as I have with him. It's literally at the point where if he asked me to fucking marry him tomorrow, I'd say yes without hesitating. And I mean I've never even as much as kissed him but that's how much he means to me. He's the love of my life so far, by far, and I know I'm young but I'm worried I'm never gonna find someone better. I've been on gay dating apps and every single picture I see of someone I compare them to him, every chat I have with someone I think oh we don't have nearly as much in common as I do with him. It makes me not interested in the person.

    I've tried so hard to move on from him to stop thinking about him I don't know how. Things have been kinda weird since I told him and since we go to different colleges I haven't seen him or really talked to him that much in the last month. And you would think that since he's not in my day to day life here at school I would be able to go about my day meeting new people, having normal college experiences, things like that. But nope all I do is lay in bed, and most of the time think about him. I've tried so hard to stop thinking about him. I tell myself to think of anything besides him, especially at night when I'm trying to sleep because it can get real bad then. But it's like he owns a part of my mind and he keeps popping his little head up and I don't know how to stop it.

    I guess those 4 years are part of how he got buried so fucking deep in my brain. When I say we were best friends, I mean we were best friends I saw him literally every single day for 2 years before we went off to college, and then from that point would see him every day we were both home on break and every day in the summer and we would text pretty often when school was in session. Even this past Christmas break after he knew how I felt we still hung out all the time. Usually with our other friends but I still saw him basically non-stop when we were both home. I just want him so fucking bad. I think he slowly became all I cared about in life.... I guess no one knows the real meaning of life, but I've heard some people say it's to find love. And I found it...... but he doesn't feel the same.

    I don't even really know what I'm asking for it just like writing what's on my mind it calms me down a little bit. I'm still in the closet to basically everyone else so other than a couple really short conversations, I've really never talked about him with other people. And it fucking sucks because most people can talk to their friends about someone they met at a bar last night and how they think they felt something. I've felt something crazy strong for him for years and have just kept all these thoughts about him in my head for so fucking long and I feel like I'm just gonna explode one day
     
  2. redsquirrel

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    Major condolences – that is a horrible situation to be in (I am in a similar one, and I absolutely hear you on marrying him tomorrow). If your friend is like mine, then he will truly mean that he doesn't have any romantic interest, but he will want the friendship to continue as it has been... without the sort of changes that you would desire. It will be tempting to go along with that, and if you're like me then you will, but I will warn you that it never does get easier, at least as long as you're single.

    Also, the way you describe love is exactly how I would have described it – it feels like the whole universe should conspire to make it work, and that it truly is the meaning of life. But remember that as great as love is, the love that counts is reciprocated love. Unrequited love breeds pain. There is real, genuine love between you and this man, but it is platonic love. The romantic overtones that you're feeling are unrequited and would mislead you to thinking that they are the meaning of life.

    I'd recommend imagining it from his perspective: if one of your other close friends, for whom you have no romantic feelings, confessed her love to you, but said she wanted to stay friends and would try and work through it, then perhaps you'd hope that it were true and you'd agree to treat her the same as before (not much of a sacrifice from your end). That may be what's going through his head – he can't change the way you feel, but he can support you by not changing the way he treats you. And that may feel very magnanimous, but don't forget that you are the one offering to make the herculean effort of suppressing your overwhelming feelings; he merely has to continue as before.

    Honestly, I would suggest getting some space. Not to give up on the friendship, but to just give yourself a bit of time for you. And then I'd really recommend getting on the dating scene, whether that means visiting LGBT meet-ups or giving online dating a spin. I think it will truly help you to have an outlet for these pent up romantic feelings, as without an outlet they will continue to build – plus when he starts dating then things are going to become much more difficult for you with jealousy in the picture.

    It sounds like he is straight and he is happy with the kind of bro relationship you have now, so if you do want to preserve that then you'll have to find a way to be fulfilled romantically, and to do some might require a communication break from him combined with an active search for someone romantic. If you are as close as you say you are then I think your friendship will weather such a break, especially if you stress that it is precisely because you love him so much that you want to find a way to continue being his best friend without feelings mucking things up.

    By the way you described things, you're never going to spend your life with this man, and he will never be your life partner. But if you can work through this and find someone else who can become your romantic partner in crime, then you can keep this wonderful friend and learn to love him platonically, as he loves you. That is my hope with my best friend.

    Best of luck, and I'm sorry you've had to go through this.
     
  3. rch1

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    Hey redsquirrel,

    Thanks for the quick and detailed response I really appreciate it. And I'm sorry you've gone through something similar it really does suck. You're definitely right that I need to find someone romanticlly to replace the hopeless romantic thoughts of him. I just don't know how to go about finding someone else without comparing them to him. I've never been with anyone, but I'm worried that say the first time I have sex with someone I'll subconsciously be pretending it's my friend and that's not fair to the person I'm having sex with. I just gotta find some way to view other guys separatly and stop comparing everyone to my friend.

    And he's actually had a girlfriend for more than a year now. And you're right the jealously has been absolutely brutal. I've hung out with both of them before I told him how I felt and I've seen them fight. There was one night she was really drunk and my friend was complaining about always having to deal with her. And another time when they were fighting and she said "maybe we should break up". I honestly feel really bad I told him about my feelings while he was in a relationship but it was at the point where I couldn't take it anymore. And I explained to him that I wasn't trying to steal him from his girlfriend or anything and that above everything else I just wanted him to be happy. But I think deep down I thought that maybe that was my opportunity or something I don't know. I've always thought he might be gay which didn't help anything throughout the years. Our good mutual friend was comvinced he was gay for a while. But now it's been a few months since I told him and he's still with her. And the jealousy is as bad as ever...

    As for taking a break, this is also a good idea but I'm not sure how'd we explain it. You see we're part of a pretty close group of like 10 guys and everyone in our group obviously knows how close we are. We're both really laid back, chill people who don't really get into fights and try to please people things like that. If we just stopped being friends out of the blue it'd be tough to explain why. And I don't think I'm ready to tell everyone else I'm gay, as there are a few somewhat homophobic people in our friend group. So I feel kind of stuck there too....

    But again thanks for the advice and I hope everything works out with your best friend too
     
  4. Twisted777

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    I've been through something similar - over it now...90%

    My advice is keep your distance for a few weeks, get some sunlight (I sat in the dark too much after a rejection by a longtime friend, then I realised it's a spiral of depression that keeps you in bed, in the dark), keep your mind occupied (get out of the house, listen to music, read - whatever). If you think about him, remind yourself that he's not interested, don't get drawn into fantasies - it'll only lead to trouble.

    My friendship didn't end (or even really change), so you might be able to stay friends, as long as he doesn't drive you mad by being unattainable. Eventually your brain will catch up to your heart, and the feelings should fade.
     
  5. Moonsparkle

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    Hi Rch1,

    I get you on this--such a hard situation. And a road that has been traveled by many (including me.) I am quite a bit older than you, not sure but hopefully I can offer some helpful thoughts.

    The advice you have received about getting some space from him is good. This doesn't mean just physical space, you mention you are at different colleges so you already have that....it also means the space in your head. And no, you won't just miraculously stop having him on your mind--'laying in your bed thinking about him'--but there is something you CAN do..but it will take a LOT of effort on your part. No matter what it is, you have to become involved in something else (and college offers you a lot of 'something else' to become involved in, clubs, causes, internships, intramural sports, campus jobs, attending functions..) Whatever. It doesn't have to be with the goal to meet someone else to have a relationship with just something that gets you up and out and meeting others in general. Anything that takes up space in your head, if only for a while.

    Keep in mind too (and I learned this kind of late in life!) that people have a sense when you are all up in your head about something else (even if you are not openly talking about it), and it makes it so you can't really be fully present in social situations. And not being fully present in social situations does not allow others to truly connect with you, and for others to see all that is wonderful about you! So THIS will take some effort, to put your thoughts of him on the back burner (even if just for a bit,) so you can fully engage.

    At this point-sure you could continue as you are, as you admit 'not being able to have a normal college experience.' You could be consumed with thoughts of him for the next month, 6 months or two years which will prevent you from doing this...but that doesn't seem to working out too well. Bottom line is he has told you he is straight and wants to be your friend...so this really can't work out.

    I know it's hard to see...but trust me, your life will change over time, friends change, social groups change, interests change, you will be attracted to others (it's true!) and them to you. Life will throw at you a bunch of difficult challenges and twists and turns, and yes beautiful things that work out just the way you wanted them to!

    Check out other threads here with titles that indicate the same situation you are in. Others are going through the same thing, and you will find a lot of support!

    It will take some effort to get through this...never easy to get through when such strong feelings are involved. But you will get through it! Many of us have!

    Best of luck!