How to supress sexual feelings for best friend

Alright, I'm going out on a limb here, because I suspect that the answer in most people's minds may be "haha. Good luck."

My situation is not an unfamiliar one: I have strong, unrequited feelings for my straight best friend. He has never rejected me and always maintained the physically affection aspect of our relationship (LOTS of drunk hugs, some spooning), although they were very much toned down after I confessed my feelings for him. After I thought I'd gotten over my love for him (took a year and a half to get that point) our friendship resumed the same dynamic. I've exhaustively examined our physical interactions from every angle and have absolutely no reason to think there is sexual potential or even tension there. At least not from his side.

My problem is that he has basically become my definition of sexually attractive.

After a lot of heartache I thought I was pretty much over him, but then this lust began to develop (it wasn't there earlier – my first love for him was more emotional, plus I used to identify as asexual). The feelings of unrequited love cropped up again too, but that's another story.

It started with me realising that I wanted to fantasize about him, and then me finally giving myself permission after several months, hoping that by letting my brain do what it wanted then it would make it less unobtainable and appealing. Incorrect. And over the past couple years it's gotten worse – not helped by memories of accidentally glimpsing him naked, and once (while we were sleeping in separate twin beds) waking up and seeing him, ahem, at it.

I can fantasize about nearly any part of him, and I see him as being beautiful in every way, despite the physical flaws that I can also see. When we hang out I can largely tune it out and everything's fine, but when he wears basketball shorts or pajamas and I can see the clear outline of his nethers, then I honestly have a real difficult time taking not staring at it. I think he has somewhat noticed, as he's a bit more private when it comes to changing clothes than before, which makes me feel like a scumbag. If we end up hanging out for multiple days, then I sometimes have to excuse myself to go to the bathroom and, well, deal with it privately.

I have a very tight rein on my sexuality and have never made an overt move (some more subtle ones but they were soundly rejected). But I now have difficulty masturbating without thoughts of him coming to mind. It's driving me mental. Plus it's made my jealousy of his fiance even worse.

So now, I'm trying to get over the unrequited love part by getting back into dating (I'd gotten pessimistic and given up), as well as trying to convince myself that he and his fiance are one unit and I need to learn to love them as one thing to try and deal with my jealousy, and try and see him as a normal friend and not a life partner. But it still leaves me with the incredibly distressing aspect of this sexual attraction.

And so, I'm wondering if anyone has dealt with this before or might have any words of wisdom to help me see him in less of a sexy light and as more of a normal platonic friend. That would make this process so much easier!

 

rch1, thank you for the kind words and solidarity! It's always comforting to know one isn't alone in these trials. I'm confident that one day both of us will have a handsome and loving beau on his arm, and with a bit of luck we'll also have solid platonic friendships with our maddening best friends as well. I'm rooting for you too!

Mj5963, and Houston Atlanta, thank you for the advice, but I've already told him that I find him sexually attractive. However I have never described the extent to which I admire him, nor have I revealed that I fantasize about him rather regularly. I'm not sure that telling him those things would help; I'm afraid being that honest would totally alienate him, and I'm seeking to preserve the friendship, if I can.

Thanks resu, that is what I'm planning to start doing. I'll see about going to some meet-ups or making a new online dating profile. I'm hindered by the fact that I'm in a very demanding training program that affords almost no down time, but I think I need to make this a priority.

Does anyone have any other advice for de-sexualising or distracting the mind in this circumstance? Or experience in successfully dealing with this kind of situation?

Cheers