I've overheard my parents several times talking to their friends about me, saying how difficult is for them to handle me. I know that I'm in a very bad mental state, and I'm at my worst every morning and it stops me going to school nearly everyday. I'll just feel so depressed that I feel sick and so tired from no sleep and I can get pretty grumpy from being so groggy. But if I feel bad, that makes my mum get angry at me, saying I'm not making an effort and she's frustrated and angry at me for not going to school like a normal person. At least this is all what she's told me when I'm down. I feel guilty and angry at myself for putting her through this and I'm jealous cos I compare myself to my brother who is happy, loads of friends, girlfriend, works hard at school and everything like that. And then I am the opposite of him :/ I just wish my parents would talk to me about this instead of getting angry and ranting about it when they get frustrated. And at the same time I wish I cold talk to them more easily about it and for them to not see me as the problem kid, even though I am :/ I want them to have more respect for me I guess, but I know that respect can't be gotten without earning it and proving to them that I'm worthy if it. I know that a counsellor or someone would be good to talk to, but that's not an option for the next year or two because of money issues. This is mostly a rant, but I would really appreciate some advise if anyone can help
Hi Jaska, I can understand that it would be very frustrating to overhear your parents discussing you with their friends. I will offer you some similar advice I offered to another poster here and I hope it will be helpful... You mention feeling depressed, so depressed and groggy from not sleeping that it prevents you from going to school. Depression can manifest in many ways, but any time it interferes with your normal day to day functioning it becomes a real concern. Right now your day to day functioning would be going to school, and you are having difficulty with this. (Understandably, when you haven't slept and are tired I get that it would be hard to make it there.) But obviously things can't continue like this, you are 16 and you need to be in school right now. I understand money concerns regarding seeing a counselor. However, you must have a guidance counselor or advisor at school. This person could assist with what you are going through, and refer you to low cost counseling options. Also, most communities (at least in the U.S.) have community mental health providers. These providers can be free (depending on insurance) or charge a sliding scale fee based on what you can pay. Your parents should be your allies in making sure you are connected with a counselor, through school or through your community. This should be a priority, depression, not sleeping etc. generally won't just 'fix itself', so it is likely this will continue unless you get some professional assistance. Things CAN get better, depression is a treatable illness. The teen years are challenging (I'm old but I remember!) even in the best of circumstances. Bottom line here is you need some help so that your sleep and depression will improve, so you will first of all feel better, but also so you can attend school on a regular basis. All the best to you.
Hey jaska....I was a high school teacher for 41 years. I worked with a lot of kids your age who were fighting the same problems. First of all, depression is most often caused by a chemical imbalance. Then things like not sleeping can make it worse. AsMoonsparkle said, most communities have some kind of community mental health or just community health clinic who could help you with some medication. I have had to deal with depression mainly as a result of hiding my sexuality for over 50 years. Once my therapist had started me on the right meds my whole world changed. It did take several weeks for the meds to take effect, but the combination of the medication and counseling has helped me become a person that others like to be around! I feel confident that the right meds and the right counseling would make a huge difference for you. Even though your communication with your parents may be rocky right now, I think if you approached them with the attitude of "I don't really know why I feel so bad, but maybe seeing a doctor or someone at the health clinic would help" might really start the ball rolling to get you the help that will lift you out of the depression and let you be a much better and happier you....David
the thing is that I'm already on meds (setraline)for 2 years now and have tried different strengths of it and tried St Johns Wort and melatonin to help sleep. The only difference I have felt is that I feel more 'numb', have less emotions and care less about everything even more than I did before. I've seen several counselors in the past, most of whom it was their job to provide counselling to trans people as part of the 'trans healthcare plan' here in nz. Every counselor has told me the same advise; exercise, breathing exercises, sleep hygiene, keep a journal etc. It's only advice to help you cope, not to actually tackle and solve the problem. That's what really frustrates me :/ And even though I'm transitioning, on hrt, about to start the ball rolling for surgery, parents are supportive, amazing friends, I still feel so dead inside and don't really care about anything that is happening to me. I know that's what frustrates my parents, because when I'm in such a dark mood, the responsibility of helping with my transition becomes even more for them and I act like I don't give a shit. But I do care, of course I do, but it's like I have no excitement, worry or happiness for the good thing that are happening for my transition. I don't know, I'm just too weak to deal with anything and then my responsibilities fall on my parents, especially my mum who works too hard anyway :/ thanks for the reply David : )
This may sound weird...but have you thought about writing like a journal or a list of things that bothers you or triggers your depression? It worked for me. It was like getting it off my chest for the first time so it made it easier for me to talk to others about it. Sometimes I just got over it after reading what I wrote. I even thought about leaving my notepad out sometimes as I know people are curious and want to read it. Great way to have them find out without telling them however they will prob have questions so you have to be willing to answer them if you try that method. I really hope things get better for you. Good Luck
Just a couple more thoughts. Sertraline is not the only antidepressant out there. Since taking it you mention feeling even more numb--and yes, others have had the same complaint when taking antidepressants. However, it may be that this particular antidepressant is simply not targeting your depression and therefore the numbness and depression itself have just gotten worse over time. You have tried this med for two years with no results, I would suggest you talk to your doctor about changing to a different one. Also a good therapist will not just offer you advice. A good therapist will provide you a place to safely express your feelings. They will reflect back to you what you are saying and 'dig deeper' on issues, with simple questions such as 'and how did you feel about that situation?' They will challenge you when necessary. It can take a while to find a therapist you connect with. You are dealing with a lot right now and finding one you can connect with could be invaluable. As a side note, I would agree that the advice Cptplanet gave you about journaling is good. I have been doing this for a few years and it has been helpful to me. You don't have to write everyday, just when the mood strikes. You can write one line or six pages-doesn't matter. I know it seems like a real uphill battle right now, but things can get better!
