Hello from Scandinavia I'm new to the forum and I'm sorry if I did post this thread in the wrong section... And excuse me for my English - it's not my first language I hope you still do understand what I am talking about, haha! I am a 21 year old girl and I came out to my friends and family as a bisexual about two years ago. I've hardly ever had any serious, long term relationships with women or men, so I consider myself as not too experienced when it comes to this topic. Last year in august, I met this girl on a dating app. Unfortunately, she lives about 400 kilometres away from me - but we still met up after a few weeks of talking through iMessage and facetime. We kissed on our first date (how classy ;-)), and I was completely blown away by her. She was such an interesting, beautiful, spontaneous, woman when I first met her. At the time, she was still in the closet, which didn't bother me too much. After that one weekend, we met up again many times. We do see each other every second week, which costs both time and money, but I was more than happy to spend both so I could see her. But in December, everything began to be a little different. It started when she came out to all of her friends and family and introduced me to them as her girlfriend. I just wasn't ready for it at this point, but I wasn't able to tell her that. I wasn't even sure if she was ''the one'' or if I was in love or just fascinated by the idea of being in a relationship for once. I was confused, but as I said - I couldn't tell her, because I did not dare to... This was when things became confusing and different. Suddenly, she started to get mad at me if I didn't answer right away. I'm studying and working, and I've been stressed a lot for the past year. I've told her that I am focussing on my studies so many times... But it's like she doesn't take it seriously. While I'm the type of person who is very determined when it comes to my future, she has dropped out of college and rarely never sticks to her plans (and those plans for her future change nearly every second day). In addition to her being mad about my lack of time, she tells me that I ''don't give her the love that she is giving me'' and that our relationship isn't balanced, which makes me very sad. As soon as I tell her that, she accuses me for turning tables. But seriously - I am just telling her how I feel for ONCE! Also, she told me a lot about her ex girlfriend, and as soon as I tell her about my previous ''relationships'' (if you can say so), she gets jealous and mad. We have had discussions every single time when I said something that made her sad (which happens extremely often, if you consider that we've only been together for 6-7 months) - so over the past weeks, I stopped saying my opinion. I also started to say sorry for things that I am really not sorry for (because I didn't do anything wrong) and I get this ugly feeling of tension in my stomach whenever she asks me for my opinion. The same happens when I have to decide something. Still, she complains about many things and we do fight when I finally dare to say what I want to say, even if it is just about a weekend where I'm not able to see her. I truly want to give her another chance, but I don't know if it is going to change anything at all... And I feel like my feelings for her disappear slowly for every time we fight. I feel irritated by her more often but I'm afraid of the fights we're going to have IF I'd break up with her. I just don't know what to do - one side of me wants this relationship, but the other side knows how bad it is for me. It's like she's taking all of my energy... Has anyone experienced something similar, where the relationship became better at some point? Even if no one has advice - it feels so good to write all of this down! Thank you for reading if you did! :icon_redf:icon_redf
Do not be afraid. You have every right to focus on your studies and work, and you should stop apologizing for things just to avoid an argument. I think your girlfriend is right about the unbalanced relationship, but she doesn't realize that her actions are part of the problem. It may be she has personal issues that she needs to overcome before she can feel more confident; maybe she should see a professional counselor. Whatever the case, being in a toxic relationship is not better than being single. Trust your gut instincts, and ask for support from your friends and family.
I have been in a similar boat than you OP and can relate to a lot of the things you have said as well as to some of the feelings your partner/girlfriend may be feeling. I think there are a few problem in your relationship, the main one being communication. You don't seem to be able to communicate well with your girlfriend for fear of either hurting her or making her mad. This isn't healthy. (Though I have been there and done that so can understand why you feel it's the easiest way but it's not, it will only get worse and you'll start resenting her) Sit her down and have a chat with her, a proper one where you both open up and speak whole-heatidly about how you feel in and about this relationship. Be honest, go back to the beginning and how you felt you weren't really ready when she came out and introduced you to people as her girlfriend without discussing this with you. Be fully honest, it may hurt her at first but it's the only way to start fresh and build a healthy relationship. There is also the problem that your girlfriend feel like she is a bit taken for granted and doesn't seem to feel like you reciprocate her feelings. You haven't actually mentioned your feelings, do you love her ? It seems to me like you are still questionning and torn about how you feel towards her. Is it what's the problem? I can see why she would feel the relationship is unbalanced if she feels like she's come out of the closet for you and didn't get the reaction she had hoped ( not that you reacted badly but I can imagine it was a big thing for her and you not being ready and probably not being over excited about it may have set the tone). Do you actually show her attentions and make sure she feels extra special from time to time ? Do you feel her feelings are justified? Once again it all come down to communication take the time to reflect on your relationship, your need and your feelings and once you think you've got a good grasp of how you feel and what you want sit her down and have a chat. Pesonally, in my case, it only got better when we both removed ourselves from the situation and stopped dating. We just couldn't communicate and I guess we both got tired of feeling like having to walk on eggshells around each other all the time instead of being upfront and honest about how we felt or what we thought in order not to hurt the other. I spent most of the time completely torned about how I felt not knowing if I actually genuinely liked her or simply liked the idea of being with her, the constant mind-reading and second guessing was draining and made things slightly awkward so it was almost a relief when it called it quits. it wasn't an easy decision to make I reckon but probably the best, I do miss her but we have a much better and healthier relationships now that we are friends and the pressure of making it work is off than we did when we were dating. Ironically the girl is exactly your age and from your city (I thought you could be her for half a second until I read the post and the details didn't match haha) and I thought it was a cultural thing at first (I am from a different country) but it seems like it's not and is just a person thing. I think if you really like her and want things to work out then try and find a way to open-up to her and communicate, don't let things get to the point where you resent her or don't feel like you can be honest about her if you still don't know whether you like her or like the idea of being with her chances are it's the second option, I feel like when we really love someone we know and don't need to second guess ourselves. Good luck and definitely come back with an update!
Wow, thank you two for your answers! I didn't even expect anyone to read all of my post, and now you're both answering so detailed! Really, thank you guys! So first of all.. Communication might really be a big problem here - I've noticed that and I have told her that I think that we should communicate more about what we're feeling. She agreed on that, but told me about all the things I've done wrong in the past couple of months right away (according to her). Those things could include basically all of what I wrote earlier - not answering text messages right away, not being concerned enough, not being as loving as she wants me to be... you name it. The coming-out-thing: I agree. I guess I would've felt the same way as her... Thank you for reminding me of that! I do try to make her feel special from time to time.. But I did it more in the first couple months, were there weren't too many fights. I am not too romantic and she isn't either - but yeah, maybe I should try to change that a little bit! I feel like she is trying to make me her ''perfect partner'' sometimes. She asks me stuff like ''ohhh but you're not really romantic/a good person/a caring person/socializing/listening to good music/eating healthy/..., are you?'' on a regular basis - and those are things that are sad in a mean way. I must say that she is the first one who tells me all that (except for the music one, haha), because I generally see myself as the complete opposite of what she assumes me to be. I think this could be one reason for my lack of small presents, extra kind words etc... But I will still try! Wow... That's exactly how I'm feeling at the moment! This mind-reading-thing is something that drains my energy so, so much as well. That's something she does frequently and we're always fighting after I haven't ''read her mind'' in the way she wanted me to. It feels so relieving right now that there's someone who has experienced something similar - even though I feel really sorry for you, since it didn't work out, don't get me wrong! Hahaha, such a coincidence! I guess you're right with the last part about how we know we love someone if we do. I do care about her, but if I think about it, I'm not loving her. I mean, we've been together for those 6 or 7 months - and I still do not love her. I feel like I'm ''betraying'' her, since I know that she is very much in love with me, but I can't return those feelings... I even feel scared by the thought of her saying she loves me, since I don't want to say I love her if I'm not a hundred percent sure. Ohhh God, I feel like we should stop dating soon. Thank you, again, for opening my eyes! Really. Thank you.
Haha glad you can relate and don't worry you feeling happy someone else have been through a similar experience is normal and I was actually quite relieved to read your story myself as I could relate to it so much, so all good! Personally the mind-reading thing was the thing that took the biggest toll on me because it led to me having to ALWAYS second guess myself and worry about "what ifs" and be scared of having done something wrong when I had a sudden negative reaction from her when I didn't feel I was doing anything wrong. That's why communication is key I should have straight up asked her what was in her mind instead of trying to guess and interpret everything she did and come up with my own conclusion but people should learn to communicate and transmit to other people when something is on their mind or bother them instead of letting other people guess and get upset when they get it wrong or aren't doing as they had hoped. It does seem like your girlfriend is hoping to shape you in someone you are not and it also seems like a lot of the fights are based on her lake of confidence in the love you have for her. I think she knows you aren't in love and is hoping you'll change. Do you normally never answer text messages quickly or do you do it for your friends and family but take more times to answer her (and she has noticed)? I asked because the girl I was dating would take ages to answer me and by ages I mean she would read the message and the would be on & off on social media for the rest of the day but still take hours to answer messages, yet when we were together she would take seconds in answering her friends and it would seriously drive me nuts !!! ( I am silly though and never raised the issued but it did hurt me and it did impact my confidence a bit) if you are just a slow texter and that's just how you are with everyone then fair enough but otherwise I can kind of see her point. (Unless she expects you to answer within a minute then she definitely unreasonable and should get that you also have a life!) About the 'small' digs she make at you, I would shut it down quickly with ' isn't it why you love me though?' (and a grin ) if I was in a good and forgiving mood or would shut it down more harshly, especially if my partner was to tell me that I am not a good person and would probably be tempted to ask her '' why the heck she is with me then" through gritted teeth! haha I would not be in the mood to be very loving and caring toward someone who made constant digs at me or made me feel inadequate though and I would tell her that. I felt incredibly inadequate in the relationship I was in and ended up never being fully myself as I felt I had to be the "perfect" person all the time or wouldn't be enough for her (she never really made digs at me by the way but there was just a vibe she sent off.) It was dreadful and I hated every second of it and it just made things worse. If she makes you feel bad about yourself, get out of the relationship or tell her clearly how you feel and see if she changes. The impact this relationship have had on my self-esteem is huge and I really wish I had left earlier when the impact wouldn't have been as important. I can definitely relate to this, a big part of why I was torn was because I didn't want to lead her on yet I knew I felt something for her and cared about her but I was also very conscious it wasn't love and I wasn't overall fully happy. I think if she feels she is putting a lot into this relationship and isn't receiving the same back it can end up being soul destroying for her in the long-term and isn't fair. The same way it isn't fair for you to feel bad about who you are as a person because of the things she says, I think if you both feel unhappy in this relationship and you aren't in love, calling it quits may not be a bad idea and I would actually recommend it. I think the eye-opener for the both of us was when we both realize how miserable we both were and making each other even though it wasn't our intention. Sometimes liking someone isn't enough and letting them go is the best way forward. Her & I are friends now and while I am still unsure about how to communicate with her from time to time, things are significantely better and I have no doubt that we'll be happier in the long run and I am sure it would be the same for you and your girlfriend. Hope things workout though ! x (*hug*)
