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I'm seeing someone that was mass raped and forced into prostitution

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by maricamagica, Feb 27, 2017.

  1. maricamagica

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    I met someone that was heavily abused by his ex boyfriend in every way possible when he was just 18. He was manipulated into prostitution, then later fell victim to sex trafficking and was repeatedly raped by clients and his boyfriend, once even was mass raped. The horrors he described go beyond my imagination, I can't begin to describe how sick to my stomach his experiences make me and I can't possibly understand how traumatizing it must be for him. What's really disturbing is that he seems to have accepted his fate and doesn't even realize how gruesome it is what was done to him. Like he deserves and has to accept to be in this position, like there was no way to prevent that. I feel he can't stand up for himself and just endures any suffering that is brought upon him. He doesn't even see the necessity to punish his abusers. He doesn't seek any justice for himself. I don't understand any of this and this whole situation just deeply disturbs me. I'm not really interested in anything serious, but I feel like I have no choice but to develop an emotional bond to him in order to protect him from further suffering. I think once we have some sort of relationship he will listen to me and seek the help he needs and deserves. I have no idea how to deal with a victim of such disturbing crimes. The police doesn't know anything, none of his tormentors have experienced any consequences and he hasn't seeked any professional help. How am I supposed to deal with this situation?
     
    #1 maricamagica, Feb 27, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2017
  2. Chip

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    I'm so sorry for what your friend went through, and I also understand your desire to want to help him, to see his abusers brought to justice, and to see him get to a healthier place.

    Here's the challenge: It isn't your place to protect him, and unless you're his therapist (which you shouldn't be if you have feelings for him), it's also not your place to tell him what he needs, to deal with or handle his situation for him, or to form an emotional bond for the purpose of helping him. All of those would be unhealthy, enmeshing (codependent) behaviors that, ultimately won't help him and will likely end up hurting you.

    The challenge for those of us who are helping types is to learn to do so with appropriate boundaries. People with these sorts of issues may need help... but it is up to them to ask for it. A healthy approach is to gently suggest that there might be options, give him a bit of information, and let him take the steps himself. If he doesn't, then he isn't ready for them, and it really isn't our place to try to force someone who isn't ready for help to accept it.

    The one thing that is reasonable to do is to try to intervene to help get him out of the situation if it is still actively going on. Even that is dicey, as he is an adult. All you can really do is suggest and gently encourage. But if you do more than that, then the decisions aren't really his, and in the end, the behavior won't really change.

    If he's out of the situation, then you can suggest that there are options for him to get help and work through the feelings and learn to feel more empowered. You could send him here to EC, and the community can support and encourage him, for example.

    I would strongly advise against getting emotionally involved. To be honest, I'd suggest keeping him at arms length just so you don't get too involved, otherwise, given what you've described above, you're at prime risk for an unhealthy, enmeshed relationship that won't help either of you.

    This could also be a great opportunity for you to look at yourself and your own behaviors. Read up on codependency and see if you see your own thoughts and behaviors in what you read. If so, and you choose to work on taking steps for yourself to develop healthier boundaries, I think you'll find yourself being a lot happier and healthier in the long run.
     
  3. maricamagica

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    I don't think I could stay out of it, how could I witness so much suffering and just look away? Somebody has to help him, I feel bad for what happened to him as it is but I'd feel worse if I didn't do anything in my power to help him. I have a very strong sense of empathy and seeing someone in so much pain just hurts so bad I can barely stomach it. I just wanna get close to him so I can protect him.
     
  4. maricamagica

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  5. Chip

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    What you're describing is codependency, not empathy. It isn't healthy. It isn't your place to protect him; you aren't his personal police force. At a certain point, he needs to learn how to care for and protect himself. (I can say this with confidence because it is an issue I have worked on within myself.)

    Assuming that he is no longer under the control of the people who abused him, what you can do is encourage him to go to therapy, and to take steps to help himself. He's an adult, so if he doesn't choose to take the steps to help himself, it is not your place to force anything on him... nor, for that matter, to "protect" him from the choices he makes.

    Every day, he has the choice to do something different: To get help, to work on changing how he views the world, to heal himself. That is his path, not yours. Your desire to help him isn't for his benefit; it's for yours. I know that isn't what you want to hear, but that's exactly what codependent people do. If you really can't stay out of it, then you may want to explore your own boundary issues, because that's a pretty severe one.

    I understand the desire to help. It's just that, in this case, the way you're talking about going forward with it is ultimately going to be unhealthy for both of you.
     
  6. maricamagica

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    But how can I be codependent when we barely know each other? Don't we have to be in a relationship in order for it to be codependency? I just want to help him, I don't see the harm in that as long as it isn't toxic. It's not like I'm hurting myself by helping him, on the contrary. I think helping him to cope with his troubled past is the best for the both of us. Where's the harm in taking him into my arms and telling him that he deserves to be treated with respect?
     
  7. I'm gay

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    Hi maricamagica,

    You are a beautiful person to want to help him. And it speaks to your character how much you feel for his situation. But Chip is right, and this situation isn't healthy.

    The co-dependent part of this simply means that you both become dependent upon the other in the relationship. Your part is that you are a rescuer. It's in your helping nature.

    No one is saying you can't help him. It's not the helping him that is concerning in your post. It's this:

    and this:

    You would be setting up a relationship with the specific intent of your bond to be you helping him and protecting him. That wouldn't be an equal and mutual relationship, one he isn't ready for and one with you as rescuer and he as boy in distress.

    The right kind of helping him is to connect him to resources if he is willing, and to be a willing listener if he wants to talk.
     
  8. Chip

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    Codependency is a mindset in the individual. One can be single, not in any sort of relationship, and still view the world through the filters of codependency. That's what's happening here.

    Codependents tend to seek out (consciously or unconsciously) people they can rescue, take care of, mentor, or otherwise have some level of control or advantage over. It's an inherently toxic thing because of the imbalance.

    And one of the main issues is, you're not entering into a relationship for the sake of entering into a relationship; you're doing so with the primary intent of "helping" or "saving" him. That's an incredibly unhealthy approach to take to a relationship or even a friendship.

    And the truth is, yes, you are hurting yourself by helping him, because you are reinforcing the behavior of control, rescue and caretaking in yourself, and essentially trying to satisfy your own needs (usually rooted in the desire to do for someone else something that you didn't get growing up). It's a cycle that tends to create resentment, anger, and ultimately damage the connection between the two people.

    You've asked what you should do in the situation, and you've got two different people telling you essentially the same thing... but you don't seem very interested in hearing what people are saying here. I can tell you that the issues of codependency have been studied for decades, and the outcomes, patterns, and behaviors are pretty well understood... and that what you are describing is a pretty severe form of codependency.

    Ultimately, It's your decision to make, and I don't have any attachment to whether you take the advice or don't. If you are genuinely interested in exploring and better understanding codependency and how it affects you, I strongly recommend Pia Mellody's wonderful book "Facing Codependency."
     
  9. maricamagica

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    So I talked with my therapist about this and he didn't have any objections. He was not even worried I might overstep any boundaries and take advantage of his vulnerable position by engaging in a sexual relationship with him. I'm a very independent person, I'm not the one to be worried about, the abuse victim is. All I'll do is be kind to him, tell him that he deserves love and respect and encourage him to seek the professional help he definitely needs so he can break out of this cycle of abuse.
     
  10. Chip

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    If your therapist had no objections, then... either you haven't been honest with her about your behavior, or you have a really terrible therapist.

    I really don't know why you were asking what to do if you already knew what you were going to do and had no interest in taking the advice given.

    Best of luck.
     
  11. I'm gay

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    Unfortunately, at some point in the future if this goes as you describe, this guy will have to deal with all the abuse he has suffered, including the abuse from you.

    I know you don't want to see it that way, and now you have the "support" from your therapist, but your attempts to form a relationship when he is this vulnerable is just another form of abuse.

    Some day you will likely see the wisdom in our advice to you. I'm sorry this guy will be victimized once again by your "help."
     
  12. Justinian20

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    Why not just be his friend and show that you support him and can help him. Because that would be a healthier relationship, just being his friend as opposed to boyfriend
     
  13. maricamagica

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    I'm not interested in pursuing a relationship with him for selfish reasons. I wouldn't want to form any kind of relationship with him if it weren't for his horrible abuse. All I want to do is help him, I'm not seeing him in order to fulfill any personal wants. Whether it is going to be friendship or a mixture of friendship and a relationship of sexual nature is completely up to him I guess. He showed sexual interest but that's not the point. The point is I want to get to know him and establish a foundation of trust so I can help him to cope with his traumatizing past and have his abusers legally prosecuted. Also I'm going to shield him from potential new abusers as he's prone to fall back into old patterns and partake in prostitution and toxic relationships with perverted old men. How exactly is doing everything in my power to improve his life abuse? If anything that's the exact opposite of abuse. Not doing enough and just let him end up in complete misery would be just cruel when I have the possibility to prevent that. I have a hard time following your logic on how I'm hurting him by making his life better.
     
  14. Chip

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    Read those two statements. They are 100% opposed to each other.

    "I wouldn't want to form any kind of relationship with him if it weren't for his horrible abuse."

    So... directly, you are admitting that your attraction isn't driven by love, but by pity. That's controlling, manipulative, and done with the intent of fulfilling YOUR need to rescue, not out of a genuine Sense of caring or love.

    You are also going to continue to enable his helpless behavior by "shielding" him instead of letting him stand on his own feet and get help himself. Again, controlling and manipulative.

    Here's something I don't get: this is at least the second or third time you've come forth with a terrible, unhealthy idea, asked for help, and then argued with those giving advice, telling them they are wrong.

    If you are so certain you are right about everything, why do you even bother posting? Why are you on EC at all? Clearly you know better than everyone offering their input, because you get advice and incessantly argue why it's wrong. So either you are a troll, you have no genuine interest in advice, or you are so arrogant that you can't actually accept any advice offered. In any of these cases... You are wasting your time and everyone else's.

    Not that I expect you to understand or accept this, but it is not cool.
     
  15. maricamagica

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    Well, I didn't really want to know whether or not I should help him but how I can help him. Those are two different things.
     
  16. I'm gay

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    I know it probably feels like Chip and I are ganging up on you, and perhaps you feel that our comments are unfair. You're just trying to help the guy. I know that. But what we think you aren't seeing is that the nature of the relationship you say you want to create is inherently unhealthy and co-dependent. I'd like to ask you to drop the defensiveness for a moment and read the following bullet points. They come from an article from PsychCentral.com (the American Psychological Association reference is below). These are potential signs of co-dependent behavior and warnings of an unhealthy relationship.

    ◾taking responsibility for someone else’s actions
    ◾worrying or carrying the burden for others’ problems
    ◾covering up to protect others from reaping the consequences of their poor choices
    ◾doing more than is required at your job or at home to earn approval
    ◾feeling obligated to do what others expect without consulting one’s own needs
    ◾manipulating others’ responses instead of accepting them at face value
    ◾being suspicious of receiving love, not feeling “worthy” of being loved
    ◾in a relationship based on need, not out of mutual respect
    ◾trying to solve someone else’s problems, or trying to change someone
    ◾life being directed by external rather than internal cues (“should do” vs. “want to do”)
    ◾enabling someone to take our time or resources without our consent
    ◾neglecting our own needs in the process of caring for someone who doesn’t want to care for themselves

    While your intentions here may be honorable and kind, and you may not fit all of these points, what you describe surely fits many of them.

    Chip and I aren't trying to tell you that you shouldn't help him at all. I think it's really admirable that you want to help him. It's just that your method of helping him is ultimately going to be worse for both of you, and you need to see that.

    I hope you do the right thing here and not enter into a relationship with him.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:

    Source: APA Reference
    Bogdanos, M. (2013). Signs of Codependence & Codependent Behavior. Psych Central. Retrieved on March 3, 2017, from https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/04/04/signs-of-codependence-codependent-behavior/
     
  17. maricamagica

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    Like I said, our relationship doesn't have to be of romantic or sexual nature. I can also just befriend him without entering into some unhealthy love entanglement. I'm not a very emotional person, never once in my life I've fallen in love so I basically have the sentimentality of a rock. There's no chance I'm catching feelings or engaging in some relationship that hurts me. I'm so emotionally numb and stable I don't think any person on this earth could do anything that hurt my feelings so I'm hardly worried of becoming codependent. Also I doubt my relationship to this guy will ever get so deep that you could speak of codependency because that would require a certain level of intimacy that I don't think we'll reach, because I'm not interested in that. I just want to build a little trust between us because right now I'm just a stranger and as such it's hard to help him. My help will be way more effective and long lasting when there's some kind of bond between us and if it's just friendship that's just fine. But I'm certainly not codependent in the slightest. Hell, I can cut off any person in my life without blinking. My parents could have died when I was a child and I wouldn't have shed a tear because I'm that emotionally independent. You see? I'm rather the complete opposite of codependent. I won't make any advances to date him, if that happens that's 100% due to his impulse not mine.
     
    #17 maricamagica, Mar 3, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2017
  18. Justinian20

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    Now this might be a weird question.

    I was wondering if he had a consensual relationship to do those things. Like he said yes that's okay. Because I know some people might think that one person letting another person control them is bad, when the person who is being controlled may actually enjoy it. So I'm just questioning as to whether you are someone who is completely against Master and Slave relationships.

    Now if you aren't and his "boyfriend" actually forced him into these things without consent, then you should listen to the advice of Chip and the aptly named I'm Gay.

    But I suggest don't start a relationship with him unless you are legitimately wanting to be his friend. Like you want to get to know him as a person and you want to hang out with him and have some fun with him and then if you do want to help him(unless it was a consensual S/M relationship), you can help him by supporting him and being there as his friend.
     
    #18 Justinian20, Mar 3, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2017
  19. Chip

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    I think we're wasting our time. He's not the slightest bit interested in anyone's advice, in doing the right thing, in healthy behaviors, or anything else.

    He just wants to argue why he's right and others are wrong.