Problems with Kent

I did originally was going to post this on my last topic but I thought should make a new one since this is more of a problem with Kent than can you have a lasting boyfriend question. In a way it continues with the last topic but I need to start a new one since this is something I need help on from you guys. By the way thank you for your support I really appreciate it.


It's hard at times that when Kent thinks that I think his lying all the time but I know he isn't it's his ADHD. He just doesn't remember or at times when I say you did say that Why did you think that I don't love you so I assumed that means he loves me that day I even asked so you did love me the whole time and he said yes that day but today he says he knows for sure he didn't say he loves me he does know he said why did I think he didn't love me part but he says when I asked him that day if he loves me and he said yes never happened. He is so confusing since I really remember him saying he loves me when I asked him and also I said you said we will work things out so we become boyfriends and he didn't say that also he says. I' am like what I mean really???

He knows he forget things a lot but he knows certain things what he said for sure and he really said for sure he never said he loved me and is working towards us being boyfriends again. He said I probably said that 2 years ago when we were together. I said NO you said that 2 weeks ago to me. He also gets upset easily due to his ADHD and Hyperness but his really stressing me out. He knows I done soo much for him in his life and he is thankful but he says you should know how my brain works too by now.

Like I asked him about if he will work towards us so we will have sex and he will get use to how I want sex and he says the more you ask the more I will likely now answer but I said normally people would answer but he says you should know me that I only answer when it's the right time for me and I don't need to keep asking. But also due to I have OCD I get worried so that's why I tend to ask at least once each time he comes over but really it's like once in 4 days. I learned that if his in the mood he will answer since that's what he said so I thought the only way to find out is to ask when that day comes. But I started to think I can't ask anymore since seems like things are getting worse.

Also my therapist said Kent is a Now Child means he lives by day by day on how he feels and if he wants something he wants it now and can't accept later that well.

Kent thinks I don't have any common sense but he doesn't ether. Like he thinks I should of know that when he said I should never though Kent didn't love me meant he didn't love me. That's is crazy since most would think oh that mean he does love me. Also many other things he thinks I should know by common sense but it doesn't make sense.

All I know is that my therapist and my mom thinks his immature and needs to grow up on things and Rita my therapist said that a lot of ADHD people act younger than there age like Kent acts like his 17 or sometimes like 12 year old.

He says I' am the problem and I clearly said no it's you is the problem and he came up to my face and said if you act like this to other you are going to get in trouble or something like that he said and I said no you are the one making it a problem since he isn't telling me everything and keeps putting it off for later. He says you should know me by now that if you keep asking I will keep putting it off more and more.

I was about to just give up on him but I don't know what to really do at this point. Also if you read my other posts about Kent not wanting sex that's why I was asking if he will work towards so we can have sex and accept each other and he wont answer and says stop asking the same thing over and over.


I know Kent doesn't have patients since his hyper on a lot of stuff and he says you should of noticed that by now but when we were talking about this this was about my fixing his computer and wants to use to right away without waiting for me to finish. But this wasn't a huge issue since he said I can get the computer Thursday and he will leave it here so I can finish the updates.


There is more to what I can say but all in all Kent knows I love him and I done so much and he is thankful but he says I should know about him more since we known each other for 2 years.

At this point I don't know if he even wants to work things out anymore or even if I should work anymore but all I can say this whole time it seemed like Kent was trying to make things work out for us but still we get into big arguments. Even when we talk about video games that we like according to him on that part. I don't think we had arguments about video games but that's what he said. We might of here any there though.

 

If I am confusing you guys let me know and I can try to explain best I can about Kent. Thank you

 

I'm not gonna lie, some of your word choice and sentence structure is a little bit hard to understand but I think I get the jist of this.

Dallas! I completely understand!! I have ADHD and some other problems and literally just yesterday I was sitting in my car struggling with the fact that:

1. I could only remember a few important moments of the past month when I was with the guy I've been in an on and off relationship with for the past 6 months.
2. I couldn't remember what else happened those nights.
3. I couldn't remember what order the stuff that I did remember happened in.

I felt so defeated, I want to actively pursue this guy but I can't even remember enough to talk about what I do remember without getting stuff wrong. I do live on a day to day basis, like Kent. When I'm lonely I feel like I've always been lonely; when I feel like nothing is wrong, I feel like I was just making it all up before. Its true that I feel like a child some of the time. I am missing so much of my long term memory that I have to learn and relearn the things other people know from childhood.

Kent's ADHD seems to be getting in the way of your relationship, and as I explained, I totally understand how hard this is.

You say you go to a therapist, does Kent go to a therapist too? Is he able to pay for a therapist? Is he being treated in other ways, like a support group or medication? I just started seeing a therapist, (in typing this I just remembered I missed out on meeting on an online help group today), and I've started the process of getting a medication for ADHD. If you have any questions about these ways Kent might get more help and how/ why I decided to try these things bc of my ADHD, I should be able to answer them!

Something that gave me a huge lightbulb about ADHD changes how I interact with others was learning that I have Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (also shortened to "RSD"), you should look this up (good link: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria: How to Treat it Alongside ADHD) and see if this matches up with some of the way Kent is acting. He might feel like he wants to work towards being boyfriends again but this part of ADHD could be preventing him from doing that.

You really can't change or help Kent with a lot of the issues you brought up in your relationship. Maybe you should encourage him to get some more support and then talk about being boyfriends again afterwards bc he is not likely to resolve these issues with you without making a change in what is causing them.

I have so much sympathy for your situation, feel free to post on my wall in the future, if after this discussion, you have some more stuff about ADHD you want to know about.

 

He also said he might have Autism also but Kent thinks he doesn't need meds to help him so he is untreated and he thinks he can control it when he can't. So no he doesn't see a therapist anymore. He is his own guardian so I can't do anything about it. Also he seems to think he can live without SSI, Medicaid and EBT but I told him it will be very hard without them. But he has worked at a job at Papa Johns which I was totally surprised. He says he wants to go to college too and maybe work as a Baker since he likes baking things. To me and my mom and therapist thinks that Kent is very immature for his age and he thinks I have no common sense when he is the one doesn't. I told him upfront today and he got mad at me but at least he doesn't hit me or anything but sure he looked like he might of but I don't Kent doesn't hurt people even when his upset. I also don't hurt anyone also I never have. But really Kent has some problems but I guess I have OCD, Tics and ADD but at least I see a therapist and a psychiatrist for my meds to help since I am aware of my disability. I know how important having SSI, Medicaid and EBT is so I have them. Kent did too and still does but seems to not care about it. He was about the live on the streets if I didn't help him for sake. But I found the best shelter where I live and he says he is very happy that I care about him and he knows it but man he is a pill. I mean he is better than my ex boyfriend Adam I was with for 8 years but Kent in a different way is a problem. Every time it seems that I find someone they have problems and my mom notices it also but she says Kent is a good guy compared to Adam but he needs to mature more and stabilize his life now and she said it will take time. She said she can see Kent working out with me in 10 years from now but she does over due the years but she means in the future we will work out better.

But she didn't say that means I don't have to love him and everything I can still work to make us become boyfriends but it might be a challenge.

I know Kent is a good guy I can tell but his strong ADHD is really making it hard. If he will just get treated he would be much better guy and maybe even love me more.

But still the sex problem will be there since he says my penis is too small to go in him since it's only 5.5" and he likes 7" so that will still be the same I also prefer oral sex and strange thing is that Kent seemed to enjoy it but apparently he didn't so doesn't want sex with me anymore. At least until he decides we are boyfriends again.

But you guys did say on other topic that we can work things out on that part. Also since he doesn't want sex with me anymore he jacks off looking at porn at my place on my computer. Also whenever I see him doing it he pulls his pants up fast and closes the browser on PC I don't know why he does that very strange when he knows I know he does this.

I asked can we work things out so we can have sex again but at first he said maybe and that doesn't sound promising according my to best friend Chris. Also when I asked later he growls and says STOP ASKING. I said I just want to know a simple answer can we work things out and he loves to growl at me when I ask questions. He says I ask too many questions and he doesn't want to answer them. I say they are important questions but he says you should know me that asking more will take longer for me to answer. When it's the right time I will answer the question and let you know. So I thought then maybe I should just never ask again but then he says he does forget at times then I said why did you say not to ask them. He said just ask like once a month but not every time I am over here. He sure loves to growl like a dog I don't know why though. He might really be that upset and that's what he does when his upset.


Honestly I don't know what to do anymore and getting tired of this but I been trying my best since I love him and I know he loves me but strange thing is that Kent said he never said he loves me he said only that why would I think Kent doesn't love me. To me it means he loved me the whole time. I remember even asking if he loves me and he said yes and he said I should of know be how I do things with you etc. But now he says he knows he would never say that to me and I must of miss heard him and he got really upset. I am like WHAT I mean WHAT seriously he doesn't remember what he said at all. He thinks I don't trust him but I know what he said and I know he isn't lying he just doesn't remember and he thinks he knows what he would for sure say and he said I would never say that.

---------- Post added 4th Mar 2017 at 09:30 PM ----------

By the way I did edit and updated my posts just to let you guys know.

But other thing I can say is that right now since Kent doesn't have room to put his stuff in his locker at the shelter most of his stuff is here at my moms house since I live with my mom. He is lucky that my mom is ok with having Kent's stuff in her house since it's really my mom's house I just live here like I been for my whole life but soon around maybe 6 years from now I will be living in a section 8 apartment by myself that's my goal.


Also I do have minor ADD. I have mostly is OCD and Tics.

 

That is real^^ I will forget that people love me even if they tell me they do and want to be my friend. He isn't treating you fairly by having such a fundamental issue with you as arguing with you over something as important as remembering that he told you he loves you. I'm going to say that again: he isn't being fair to you. So no wonder you are getting frustrated.

---------- Post added 4th Mar 2017 at 10:15 PM ----------

You have summed up the situation perfectly: disability won't leave your life perfect but Kent can do something about it and make most of your relationship's issues better if he does get help. Its worrying that hes getting mad at you for pointing out he does have an issue. That isn't fair either. Its good that he has some sort of housing and that he does have insurance-- all you need to get through his head is that he needs to USE it. He has no right to just use you without concern for how you feel. But he may not know how to go through the process of getting help on his own. You could ask your therapist if you can do some couple's counseling and see if your therapist can convince him to start looking for help.

 

So some isn't his ADHD and it's his mean personality I thought he was a nice guy the whole time since he gives me money when I need help or if he borrows money if he has something to pay back he would do it? But if he has a mean personality this is a problem. Although at times he does tell me what to do at times even I say I want you to do it. I thought it was all to blame on his ADHD. But if he forgets about what he said you are saying it isn't normal behavior that his doing to me? So he isn't a good guy and a mean guy the whole time??? I thought it was all his ADHD was his problem and without it he would not had this.

Also he is going through rough times now since he doesn't have a home and living in a shelter but he is making friends and will soon probably look for a job since the shelter helps on that area and even on his SSI but seems like Kent doesn't care about his SSI and just wants a job and get to the level he wont need SSI my mom even said this to him meaning she lectured him about how important SSI and other benefits he has.

 

Okay you do seriously have to respect his boundaries around sex. If he is asking for some time before you two have sex again, you need to give him time. He is having trouble with how you two can find a way to give him the pleasure that he wants too, so he probably also needs to build trust that he can have sex when he wants to and say no when he wants to, and it doesn't have to be a fight. Him saying no really shouldn't ever be a fight. He may want sex (like when hes jacking off) but he doesn't want to have sex with you because if you won't listen when he says no, then if he says yes, you may not listen to what he wants to try. So let him be for now.

Oh! and I did want to say, if its your size getting in the way, there are strap on dildos, or hand held dildos to help with that, so yes you can have sex with him even if size is an issue.

 

Also other problem is that Kent isn't really willing to work his best to use SSI, Medicaid or EBT. All he cares about is trying to live without it and doesn't want to live off state money. he thinks he can live without state money and really is trying to avoid getting state money. Although his appointment with SSI is on March, 10 and the shelter can take him there but I know he has not even one bit of interest in getting SSI back. I think this is due to what my mom said he has never had a hard life without food or place to live so his immature.

Also he says he listens to what I say but I don't think he is by heart. Also he forgets a lot too due to his ADHD.

So is this his personality problem or ADHD????

---------- Post added 4th Mar 2017 at 10:30 PM ----------

Well my best friend Chris was the one said I need to ask why is he doing what his doing and it's strange he thinks so that's why I asked Kent but he just doesn't answer the question if he is going to try his best to make us work out when having sex will he work so he gets use to doing only oral sex.

 

Kent isn't Kent without his ADHD. So yeah it is his ADHD causing him to act this way, that is true, but that doesn't make it right to treat you badly and then turn around and refuse to do anything about it. He probably is good to you some of the time and you two could have a future together, and he probably would be able to love you more if he had better control over his ADHD-- but if he doesn't do anything about that it doesn't matter why he's treating you badly, because no matter what the reason is, you don't deserve it.

 

Also Kent does act like he wants sex with me since he would like couple of times go in front of me and push his but to my penis area with our clothes on and says I know you want it. But then he doesn't want sex. Also he does at times wants to be a top but I hate being that but he does like other things like rimming and me sucking his nipples or his penis but he doesn't like much jerking me off or sucking me I noticed.

 

Ah okay I did miss the part about your friend Chris telling you, you ought to ask Kent about jacking off. You do need to accept that Kent is being honest when he says that he doesn't think sex will make your relationship all better, so maybe listen to his suggestion that you should only remind him to talk to you about this every once in a while instead of every time you guys meet.

---------- Post added 4th Mar 2017 at 10:43 PM ----------

That is a bit strange considering he teases you with anal penetration and then refuses it. I'm going to go back to what I said earlier tho: since he has told you he has an issue with size, he may just want to build his trust that he can have control over something he has a problem with in sex between the two of you. You could get a bigger dildo and offer to use that and your penis, but there is no grey area, you have to respect what he does and doesn't want.

 

I do agree I don't deserve to be treated mean but since I am a very loyal loving guy I do my best to be with someone like I did with Adam for 8 years I mean man his was very very hard guy to be with since he has ADHD, Bi Polar combo I mean talk about how many times we broke up since he got super mad and said I am not with you anymore and then next day says I still love you and if I didn't do what he wants he would brake up with me. He was really controlling me a lot. But I mean Adam has some good parts but he was really really hard and I tried my best for 8 years and he ended up losing interest in me and so he broke up with me in 2012. My therapist has said many times any mother would love me as there son since I am such a pure loyal guy and she said if people were like me people wont have problems in this world. I really mean she's said this and cried while saying this to me. Rita has known me for 13 years since I was 19. I' am 32 now.

But my point is that do you think I can do anything to help this relationship? Or even few months from now even lets say he gets a job and a real place he would still be a problem. Or if he gets SSI and gets a apartment that accepts section 8 do you think our relationship will look any better?

Or there is no hope for me and I am wasting my time? I have been having my profiles up on dating site since after all we aren't boyfriends yet and he says I should just look for more friends and he will too and he did say that as of now he loves me the most but if he finds someone that he loves more he will go with that person. I really mean he said this but apparently he forgot that he said he loves me today which I am shocked.

---------- Post added 4th Mar 2017 at 10:46 PM ----------

 

I think this is the biggest problem. You need to convince him that he won't be able to get off state money if he doesn't improve his mental health. So yes he may have to use state money right now, but if he can use it right and improve his memory he can use that ability to focus, get stuff done, and remember to get a better job so he can pay for the treatment on his own. Like I said earlier, maybe try and see if you two can do a couple's counseling session with your therapist and try to convince him with your therapist's help.

 

Are you saying he might be trying to get use to only doing the type of sex I want which is oral sex? He knows how I have sex and the only part I can see he wasn't happy about is that my penis and me doing like being bottom but other stuff we did he totally enjoyed it and even cummed. So I thought he totally adjusted so we can work it out but apparently he didn't or maybe is trying. But how can you try without doing the same sex pattern many times though. Maybe he doesn't need to teach himself since he knows what is going to happen when we have sex again.

Also I still remember he said he learned I am not the type to have sex was really strange meaning he thinks I should not have sex. I think it's all about the penis size and me needing to be bottom or something since everything else seemed like he enjoyed it.

But I hope that he will accept how I want sex since I tried doing what he wanted but didn't work so I hope he will accept how I' am.

---------- Post added 4th Mar 2017 at 11:10 PM ----------

Rita has already said she can do that I been talking to her about Kent since day one we met and especially when he broke up with me on November 10, 2016 due to confusing and liking at a bad place in Crossroads. He is now free so his mind is getting back together and I can tell he it was soo bad that at Jan, 1 this year he went from only friend not dating or anything and even not became friends with me and then now he is willing to try to date and make us work out so it was obvious it was Crossroads that caused him to become confused about himself and everything. My therapist said if she lived there she would go crazy too since its like being locked up in jail. Crossroads is a place for disabled people to live but they treated him very bad and he was almost liked looked up. Also he lived 130 miles away from me that time.

Most of our relationship was long distance and I say home like 2 times a month from June to around August last year. But now he isn't far so we can see each other more and he is happier than before but then the home crisis came since his friend Robert didn't want him to live with him anymore due to having his son live with him. So Kent had to find a place asap and he was living with a friend named David for a while but David had to move back to his parents so Kent had no home so had to stay with me and my mom was soo upset since she doesn't want other people living in this house since it's a lot of responsibility.

Kent is very very lucky to have a guy like me since I told him most would of dumped him long long ago. I am different from most guys but I don't know if he truly knows this by heart since if he did he would say I am your boyfriend and he would do whatever to be with me. Although he is acting like he does love me by trying to control his impulsive hitting when excited etc and trying to get along since he was a lot worse at first when he started to come to my house. I was actually proud of him since his working his best to make us work out and my friend Chris was too but then when I say Kent jacking off by himself that made me go what is he doing if he wants sex why doesn't he ask me and then I talked to Chris and also then I asked about if he loves me and then he says he never said that it's like OMG. I thought he loved me since he said he did and was trying to be more romantic to me but then today he said I never said I love you to me. I can see that I say why would I ever think I don't love you part though. Very strange and stressing event today.

---------- Post added 4th Mar 2017 at 11:16 PM ----------

I know I talked to Kent about coming to see my therapist but at times he says yes and at times he doesn't and if he doesn't I cant make him go. My therapist calls people like him a Now Child since they go by what they feel now and also if Kent wants something he wants it now and can't accept the answer no well.

I know when we were together he said no problem seeing Rita but now seems like he doesn't want to see her. Kent has never met Rita yet since when we were together Kent lived 130 miles away.

 

You two have worked through so much together. I think you can change Kent's mind about getting treatment. And once he does, his memory will improve so that he can remember something as important as saying I love you, and it will be easier for him to get a better job and a maybe even then a better place to live. I can't tell you much about what he means about sex quite honestly, only Kent can do that but like you've said, he doesn't want to talk about that. And you have to give him time.

I think I am talking in circles and reading long paragraphs is getting hard for me. If I missed saying something you wanted to know about can you repeat it in a short question? thank you

---------- Post added 4th Mar 2017 at 11:24 PM ----------

Yes I think you guys do have a chance.

No you Kent shouldn't treat you like you have described.

If he gets treatment, life will be even better than when you two were first dating and he could be better to you and it would be easier for him reconsider being boyfriends again when he can remember stuff better.

 

Sorry if I confused you. I do have OCD as you know. I did post this on your wall and would like to know what you think and what others think also.


Also I hope Kent hasen't gave up on me since we had a huge argument again before he got home while I was taking him back home in my car.

But after the last post you read. There is something I really really would like to know. Should I keep trying my best make Kent work out or am I beating a dead horse meaning I am wasting energy and time when I could be with someone else better? All I know is that it's very hard to find someone since only 4% gay population as you know. I been looking a paid dating site but no luck there so far.

Although if I could I would really rather work things with Kent since I do think his hot and he is my type but I just don't know if my effort is doing anything. Maybe should I keep trying my best?

---------- Post added 4th Mar 2017 at 11:51 PM ----------

I remember Kent said I am about to not come see you anymore or something like that and I said something similar to that back to him since I was really getting tired that we can't get along. Then we were talking about I have OCD and you know that and he says you know my problems so you should know how I am. Kent said he wants to start out as friends and then work the way up but well I thought he loved me since he said he did say that two weeks ago but I still think he does but maybe at the moment he didn't since we were arguing. But then again I don't know but I hope he still does but I can say his hyperness and his impulsive things like pinching me or hitting me when excited needs to stop. But he is trying and I can see that also he isn't pushing me to play games in two player mode for 5 hours on like PS4 like he did before so I was proud of him.

He kept saying before that he plays better in split screen two player mode and he plays a lot better with me. I mean I think it's because he enjoys being next to me while playing which is nice but he has soo much energy and can play for 5 hours straight and I can play like maybe 1 or 2 hours at most. We both are video gamers but he sure can play a lot longer than me. It does stress me when I play for too long and need a brake but before he didn't even let me do that but now he lets me so he is working hard I can see.


But he needs to work more still if he wants me to be fully happy with him also.

What do you guys think about what I said?

 

I did add more updates on my last post but I don't know if you saw it. Please let me know if you think Kent still hasn't giving up on me or do you think he has now and I will find out soon.

If others have inputs please let me know. Thank you very much

 

He is doing the things in his power to try and improve: control his hyperness, respecting your wants while gaming together

And in the moment, when he said he loved you he probably did mean it!

Because of those things and how much you two have worked hard to make things possible for your relationship to be a success, I think your effort to stay with him makes sense.

But his memory runs out and so does his patience at times and he gets angry when you ask him to consider things that are important to you but not to him-- that isn't an equal relationship.

His issues will not get better without help and you need to get him to understand that. That is what I think you should be using your energy for and doing that wouldn't be beating a dead horse.

I think he has improved a lot without treatment, but he will not be able to do much more without treatment. You need to find a way to determine if it is possible to get Kent to someone who can help him more than you can. That will answer your ultimate question of:

Can Kent and Dallas be together in 10 years and be boyfriends?

---------- Post added 5th Mar 2017 at 12:10 AM ----------

You are overanalyzing everything in your relationship with Kent right now, but your questions will not be answered by me, they will be answered by if Kent can try to get treatment so that he can improve everything in his life (because everything in his life is effected by how well he can think). Dallas, I think you know what to do given how much you love him and how much work you are prepared to do for Kent.

 

Well also my concern is that if his done his max to do his best now and won't get better unless his treated will he ever decide to be my boyfriend meaning because his untreated will he forever not know if we are meant to be together??? I hope I don't have to wait forever until he says we are boyfriends and committed.

Also you are right that probably at the moment he did love me since he has even talked about using living in apartment together few times.

Chris said I should not wait forever until he decides since I will be single forever then.


Also I have tried to convince him to see a therapist and take meds but if he doesn't want to then I can't do anything about it. Only hope he will be willing to do it by himself someday.





Also are you saying that Kent hasn't giving up on me for sure after today? This happened today and I hope he hasn't giving up on me after that huge argument we had.

 

Also other thing I need to ask that I want to clarify is that is this whole thing purely Kent's ADHD and not his personality at all? Like him getting upset and mean when I ask important questions and him saying when I feel ready to answer I will answer and to not ask him once every time he comes over? Also him saying the more I ask the more it will take longer to answer the question. I noticed this part is true with him but I always believed it was his ADHD doing this right?

Also why I said about if Kent giving up on me is since he and I did say to each other we were about to give each other up but for me I really wasn't just really upset but for Kent sometimes he really means it. Do you think he got to the point he gave me since we been not getting along for a long time?

I also need to know the other questions I ask on my other post.

Thank you very much