Mom is trying to leave my family

Hey Guff,

I’m sorry that you are continuing to have to deal with this terrible situation at home.

What you said to your Mom is true, unfortunately it fell on deaf ears. It also probably didn’t help that they came to talk to you so late at night. Do you think that you can have a separate conversation with your Dad about how they make you feel so ashamed for just being who you are in terms of your sexuality by being unaccepting and forcing you to hide a part of yourself from everyone else – including your own siblings?

I think your Dad is basically wrong. You said things that you absolutely needed to get off your chest. It’s not your fault that your mom is being so closed-minded. Heck, THEY are the ones that came to YOU to talk about how you are feeling. You didn’t even initiate the conversation. If you talk to your Dad by himself at some point and he brings up that he is pissed at you for what happened, remind him that THEY imitated the conversation. What were you supposed to do? Lie and pretend that everything was a-okay? Perhaps you could have stated things a little less confrontationally, but it sounds like your mom was going to go off over anything you said that sounded like a criticism of her, so I don’t think the situation could have been avoided unless you tried lying to ‘make them happy.’

It doesn’t sound like your mother’s attitude is likely to change anytime in the near future – especially if she won’t even go to a therapy session with you (that was a really good thing to ask them to do, I’m just sorry that your Mom was so dismissive of your request without even giving it any real thought). I think your therapist is basically right, though. At this point it seems like trying to get her to come around is only going to be like banging your head against a wall and if there really isn’t much of a chance that she’s going to modify her thinking, it probably best to just lay low until you finish school and head off to college.

I understand how frustrating this must be for you. You just started to Come Out and now you are basically being forced back into the closet by your parents, but this situation won’t last forever. Please remember that, Guff.

Stay strong, my friend!

 

I agree with this post. Nothing about this situation is your fault, that lies completely on your parents and don't listen to either of them trying to shift the blame on you. just remember that even if things are really bleak right now, this situation will only be temporary.

 

Wow, Guff, that's terrible! But NONE of it is your fault!

Your parents don't sound like they're emotionally mature enough to deal with... Life, actually. You don't say those things to anybody, never mind your own kids.

I'm glad you say that you are happier since your time in the hospital. Did they give you any tips to survive difficult situations? Can you use any of them now until you can see your therapist? I'm guessing he's recognized some issues with your mother that can't be dealt with by a short phone call. Temporarily distancing yourself from her drama is probably a good idea. Hopefully, he'll have more advice next time you see him.

Is there any way you could go to regular school? I think you'd benefit from more time that was purely your own.

If you need it, there's a Crisis Text Line in the US where you can text "chat" with someone who can help you through situations when you can't talk to your therapist. 7-4-1-7-4-1.

 

First of all, I am inspired by your courage to come out to your parents
hmm...honestly I think it would be up to only your mom herself to change her attitude, since she's the one who overreacted, not you. The best that I can think of is to try to find a way to separate yourself from your parents (because your dad shouldn't have blamed you for your mom's anger)...is there by any chance you could stay over at a friend's house for a while? Or find clubs where you can hangout with supportive people? (having supportive friends is helpful too!) I hope that for now you find acceptance somewhere, albeit not your parents at this time.

 

^ I second this!

None of this is your fault, Guff. It sounds like your mom may have emotional issues. It sounds like your dad is suffering at the hands of it like you are--everyone be perfect so mom doesn't freak out!--do what your therapist says. Both of your parents' behavior is atrocious; humans aren't perfect, and they don't always behave appropriately and the way they should. It's an unfortunate fact of life, so work on creating your own happiness.

Always remember that you're not doing anything wrong. Your sexuality shouldn't be anyone's concern, and it certainly shouldn't be making them have a mental breakdown, with a threat to leave. I'm so sorry your mother is doing that to you. It's disgusting and she should be ashamed of herself. Maybe she will be someday when she looks back at the way she handled herself. I'm also sorry your father is too cowardly to stand up to her and tell her to get a grip. It sounds like he's maybe more accepting and cares about your feelings. I'm sorry if that's harsh, but there's no excuse for this behavior from them.

Find ways to make yourself happy. Detach from the situation without getting depressed from it, even though it's tough. Apply to colleges and get the hell out of there. Go live a happy life.

 

The problem is not you. You're handling this as best you can, but just remember, the problem is not you

 

Hey no no no this is NOT YOUR FAULT. I had to learn this with my mom - she's emotionally abusive and has tendencies that lean towards narcissistic personality disorder. The lesson i have found most crucial in my life, with my shitty mother, is this: You are NOT responsible for her reactions and feelings! You aren't. All you are called to do is to treat others as you would want to be treated.

If it helps at all, i will tell you about my mom. My mom would blow up at me all the time when i was a child about stupid stuff ranting about her childhood and how bad it was and how much she's done to make my childhood good like hers wasn't. It took me until adulthood to realize that she doesn't appear to be able to see other people's perspectives, not really, and i don't think she can see her offspring as something separate from herself. She's very codependent. Many times with all her complaining i have wondered if she would have been happier having aborted me, but the answer is no - she's that deep into whatever disorder she probably has that i think she still would have been unhappy with her life. Unless she gets therapy she'll always find something or another to be pissy about that just totally ruins her life.

---------- Post added 6th Mar 2017 at 09:38 PM ----------

No, you do you no matter what. Don't bend to them, don't change just for them. Just be kind, be considerate, be polite, and be respectful. Do whatever you need to so you can be safe, and confide in your therapist. You're dad is dead wrong, covering for his immature wife who really needs a therapist herself i think. Distance yourself from your family if you can. Do you have extended family or friends that might be able to help you? This won't last forever. Idk how old you are but i'm assuming you're still in school. Get together a plan to leave when you finish school, if you're old enough to start planning that sort of thing. Get your license, get a job and get a car. Be as independent as you can so you don't have to stay around your mother any longer than you have to. There's a kid i work with who bikes to and from work cause he doesn't have a car. If there's a career path that interests you, get on researching it so you can save up and apply to colleges.

 

In reality, Guff, YOU are exactly, 100% correct. You are the one having to walk on eggshells so as not to cause her to go off irrationally. A rational parent does not simply threaten to walk out on their kids when someone in the family doesn't agree with them or twists words into something that they consider to be a personal insult when a family member is simply open and honest in expressing their own feelings.

Absolutely NONE of this is your fault, Guff. Your mom is the one with the main problem here and your other family members are enabling her instead of pushing her to get the help that she really needs.

Honestly, though, think about this from a little more distance for a minute, if you can. Even if you weren't gay nor had you experienced depression, don't you think your mom would have found something else that someone in the family did or said to go off irrationally about? She's done it in the past, hasn't she?

I know how hard this is for you, Guff.

Stay strong!

 

Hi Guff,

Sorry to hear your mum is giving you grief again. I think LunarLyric is onto something. Your mum seems to be incapable of putting herself in another person's shoes. She's seems to be extremely selfish and to lash out at anything that doesn't fit her image of her life (I say seems because you are the best judge of that, while I only have snapshot view of your parents). If this is right, then you dad is making it worse by submitting to your mum's demands.

Moreover, if this is the case then your mum will not be happy unless you conform to what she wants - and you absolutely must not do that. No matter what your dad says, do not start comprising your own sense of self just to keep you mum a calm. Your are not responsible for your mum's inability to regulate her own behaviour and you are not responsible for your mum trying to impose her own selfish desires on you or your family.

Even if we allow for your parents not getting the difference between loving you as their son and accepting you as a gay man, you mum does not seem capable of understanding how her actions impact on you and your family. It sounds like your dad knows what she is like, even if he doesn't consciously acknowledge it because he seems to have developed a way of dealing with her (which sounds like it basically means giving into her).

Next time you speak to your dad would you be prepared to ask him 'why can't mum understand the impact of what she does on other people' or something like that. Given what you dad said, might you think about (and possibly as an alternative) trying to explain the difference between love and acceptance? Perhaps if you can get your dad to understand (who really does seem to be the most understanding of your parents, not that that is particularly hard given your circumstances) then that might make things a bit easier.

I really don't know if this helps you but I hope you realise that these problems are coming from your mum, not from you. Your have done the right thing throughout and if your parents are going to grill you then they cannot blame you for being honest. It sounds like your mum has some problems relating to other people and the only practical suggestion I can make is to try and get your dad to understand what you mean by acceptance. If you can get him to see what you mean then that will be a step in the right direction.

Wishing you well and sorry that you have to deal with such difficult parents.

 

First of all, i think ranting a bit helps to let out some feelings, it's a normal part of the healing process.

Second, The way your mom is acting like a victim when your actually the one who's being victimized by her seems to be very common among abusive people. From personal experience, my dad has used his mental illness and his history with his abusive father as an excuse for abusing others. that initially felt very confusing because I hate him yet I can totally relate. However, keep in mind that if you're being abused, you should not comply to the abuser because you feel guilty for your actions or that you feel sorry for them. (since none of this your fault, and that they don't deserve sympathy for their actions) But I'm wondering, do you feel like your younger siblings might blame you for your mom leaving since they're still attached to her? I suppose that could add another complication (my mom, brother and I all love eachother and don't like my dad so I guess that makes separation from him much easier)
I guess on a lighter note, even on the most logical terms, it wouldn't be your fault being born gay. Who was the one that gave birth to you?! Also, there's been studies suggesting that prenatal hormones (from your mom's womb) contribute to the baby's orientation...so yea. Though more importantly, people shouldn't be seen or treated differently based on orientation in the first place.
This kinda reminds me of when stupid, mean husbands blame wives for giving birth to girls. Even just focusing on the science of getting pregnant, it's the sperm that determines the gender! Tho obviously, there's also the fact that girls shouldn't be seen lesser to boys.

---------- Post added 11th Mar 2017 at 06:13 AM ----------

By the way, at this point, I think your therapist might be misunderstood....(what's the point of trying to make your mom happy? That's not your job if she doesn't make you happy)

 

That's totally understandable, Guff, you've got to do what you've got to do to survive and get out of there. But won't you be miserable living with the current status quo at home?

 

I understand, Guff, but making life easier for your siblings is not your direct problem. And, frankly, the way your mother acts adversely affects them, too, regardless of anything you do or do not do.

But, I generally agree with you that at this point your best course of action may very well to be to hunker down and just get out of there in the best possible situation for your future (i.e. with a solid scholastic record so that you can get into the college of your choice).

Stay strong, my friend!

 

Hi Guff,
Sorry you are going through all this--and like others have said this isn't your fault.

Unfortunately your mom has chosen to make this all about her ('but look at all I have done for you, I took you on playdates and to the park and blah blah blah!!') and get very defensive instead of having a calm conversation. It's not about her. It's about you. She then went into victim mode and 'acted out', 'I'm going to cry and pack up my stuff and yell at your dad, and talk loudly about you and as you state 'how much you suck.' While this sort of temper tantrum behavior is common in three year olds, who don't yet know how to express themselves or get their needs met, as we grow up and certainly into adulthood MOST (though not all!) adults learn better and more effective ways of interacting. We learn that everything actually isn't about us.

Growing up (and even now) my Mom reacted to things in much the same way! (And still does, but I am much older now, so it doesn't affect me--I can just walk away!) It was very hard to discuss anything with her or my feelings around ANYTHING, and I felt very invalidated, and I too thought her being upset was all my fault. Looking back I get it now and know it was all HER stuff. But it was VERY hard to understand this when I was younger, living with her. I just internalized everything and I was CONSTANTLY walking on eggshells!

Like another poster suggested I was going to suggest going to public school, where you will be exposed to others, other people's ways of interacting and perspectives. However, you stated your mom won't allow this because it would ruin her 'perfect homeschooling mom' record. Once again unfortunately she doesn't see this isn't about her. It's about you and what's best for your education and life. It is so unfortunate she can't see past all of her own stuff to this.

You are in a tough spot Guff; you are a minor and obviously need to rely on your parents for everything. I am glad you are seeing a therapist, someone outside of all this to express yourself to. As has been said, know you will be on your own soon enough, either in college or working, I know that doesn't help immediately though.

So in the meantime..I would ask your therapist if he/she can refer you to support groups for teens your age. If you are over 16 I would also consider getting a part-time job. These things won't help with the dynamic in your household, but WILL help you meet new people, and connecting with others will likely be helpful. All the best to you!