I guess I'm asking for help, as well as getting a chance to vent, really. I'm still having a hard time with my dad being really abusive. He's a bit of an alcoholic, and he said that he's going to "try to make us homeless" because mom and I are being mean to him for saying that he is abusive, and he has depression from us not accepting him, and pressuring him to work. I understand that being depressed is difficult, but why must he pester us to forgive him for being verbally and physically violent?! Second of all, it was him who said my mom should quit her job because she's being a bad mom by not staying home and taking care of me and my brother! (which isn't true) Third, we are not forcing him to work, we just want him to stop forcing us to take out money to cover the debt he makes himself! Luckily he lives in a different state right now, so at least I don't have to deal with him on a daily basis. At this point, my only solution is to hope the 3 years will go by fast enough and then I can be financially independent and support me and my brother in the future. But still, I want a more immediate solution that isn't risky. Also, my little brother is severely autistic, and I'm grateful that people in the community are understanding. Tho, as an older, "normal" (whatever that really means) sibling, I have to be more responsible with standing up for him (my dad constantly bashes him for being possessed...WTF?!). I often have to compromise my social life in order to help my mom watch over him. Sometimes that leads to me feeling frustrated or jealous because I feel like my brother is being spoiled and that I have to be the person to rant to/blame/compromise when trying to resolve conflicts between my mom and my brother/dad when I myself have to swallow my hurt feelings in order to simplify things. I suppose it's something like "forced positivism"... At the same time I'm pressured to do well in school and go to a good college in order to get the best chances to becoming financially independent...It's stressing me out to the point where I'm losing passion in actually learning and I feel like giving up academically... My mom has a really hard time with listening to me vent b/c she likes to compare her struggles to mine as comfort, which doesn't work for me because it just ends up with her ranting again...often she tries to turn it all into a, "everything's my dad's fault", which would be convenient, (since I have no sympathy for my dad whatsoever) but pointless, because my mom is too afraid to divorce or file charges in fear of retaliation from my dad. (which is very understandable. However, feeling like my mom has no better solution either just makes me feel worse):dry: Because of all of this, I decided that I won't come out to my mom until all of this is settled. But even so, I want to not only have a passion of my own that I can actually pursue and feel happy with, but also pursue a genuine, happy relationship...you know, the "normal" teenager stuff.
First off, if your dad is in fact being abusive, then getting each of you to feel sympathy for him (despite his behavior) actually fits abusive patterns pretty well. Abusers will often paint themselves as the victims, sometimes going so far as to call the police on their spouses/partners and blame *them* for being abusive. Many survivors of domestic abuse actually have arrest records for domestic violence themselves, as a result of this, despite not acting in any abusive ways. Second, if your mom is dealing with this as well, it may be difficult for her to provide support to others - even her children - on top of dealing with her own abuse. That doesn't mean she doesn't want to, or that she doesn't care. Perhaps it would be helpful to start by talking with another family member (maybe your mom has a brother or sister you could confide in). If you feel like it's necessary, talking to a teacher or counselor might also be a good idea, assuming there's nobody else to turn to.
Thank you for the advice. As of now, my dad's sister could be a possible aid (she agreed to be a witness in the future if needed)...she knows of my dad's abusive behavior and she has dealt with abuse from her own exhusband. However, she is his sister, and she herself can be pretty unpredictable and gossipy... My mom is unwilling to let us confide in her relatives because she's afraid of burdening them. Also, they're all in China, so yea. As if right now, I'm thinking of signing up for therapy provided by the school (I have the papers) It seems I have a multitude of things to improve and acknowledge, and i feel that a more objective, proffessional point of view might be helpful. I had an emotional argument with my mom over this, she was afraid that I would say bad things about her (I wouldn't tho). She also said that the struggles she and her parents went through were far greater than mine so I was being whiny and selfish. She later apologized, and I forgive her, but what she said really made me feel pathetic. Honestly, as much as I know I shouldn't have to feel incredibly guilty about being emotionally sensitive, absent minded, and not that smart, I seriously felt so since..forever? (but hey at least I don't feel so guilty for being bi, mainly because she wouldn't be distressed by that...I think?) Also, though she didn't say this, but I think she may have been offended by the fact that I didn't feel better by talking with her about these things.
Wow, this seems like a lot to go through as a 16 year old (well it seems like a lot to go through for any kind of age). I hope the past two months have been a bit better and you started talking to your schools therapist. It is totally valid of you to go and look for help. You shouldn't compare your struggles to other peoples struggle, because there is and ALWAYS will be a person who has to go through "worse" things. If we'd all think like this there would be only one human on the earth who would be allowed to go to therapy and who would be allowed to complain. From what you've described it seems like a really difficult situation and a lot of things seem to come together at the same time. The only advice I can offer is to make sure to have some time for yourself, to tell your mom that sometimes you just can't look after your brother. At the first sight it might seem selfish but for the long run it helps to have a better future for y'all, because if you are happier, more relaxed and not under so much pressure you might find it easier to pursuie your dreams and to help you and your brother to become financially stable. And no, you never walk alone
You are NOT whiny, selfish or pathetic. :eusa_naug "The same suffering like somebody else, how can that exist. Everybody has there own suffer. No sorrow are similar to another." The suffer you endure, only youself can understand it. Even if you mother experienced the same as you, you are still a child and they don't have the rational brain like adults to cope whit things. I hope you did talk to the school therapy since last time you posted.
