How do you cope with people asking why you're single?

Here's the thing.
I don't dislike being single. I have activities that I enjoy doing on my own. I can play video games for hours and lose myself in another world without any distractions. I can draw my pictures or focus on writing while listening to my awful music without anyone complaining. I can binge watch my favourite TV shows without worrying about someone else catching up. I can eye up hot guys and make lewd comments discreetly, making my friends and colleagues laugh their heads off, without betraying anyone. I can be a total slob and feel comfortable. I love my own company. So why do people assume that I must need to have a boyfriend?

I get people asking me "are you seeing anyone? Have you been on any dates?" And I say "No" and they give me this pitiful look, as if they think I'm giving up on my hopes for any kind of love life. Hey, maybe I have given up on the idea of falling in love, maybe I haven't, but you know what? That is my decision to make, not anyone else's. So many people assume that I must be sad and miserable being single, and that I sit around feeling depressed and sorry for myself. I only feel depressed when people question my being single, I don't hate being single.

Yes, I have met people that I admired and found attractive and would like to have become involved with them intimately, and it didn't happen, much to my regret. But I don't need to be reminded of that. Yes I have had disappointing dates and I have been rejected. I coped with those experiences and carried on focusing on other things that made me happy. But asking me why I haven't got a boyfriend only puts me back to how I felt when my attempt to connect with someone did not end with the desired outcome.

By saying that I need to meet someone and trying to give advice on how to end being single, you're talking about my singleness in a negative manner, and that is only inflicting negative emotions onto me. It's nice that you think I'm a nice guy and deserve to have a nice boyfriend, but I'm not going to give up being single just because someone else thinks I should. I can accept my singleness, why can't others? I don't ask people why or how they are in relationships, so why do they need to ask why I'm single?

So basically, that's how I feel about being single. It's nice being single, it's just not nice being interrogated about it. If you're single, does it frustrate you if people ask why? If so, what is your response?

 

Yeah, there is quite a bit of negativity in my opening post (which ended up being a lot longer than I intended it to be!) but I think I'm only just now working through these feelings. Yes it is annoying when people ask me why I haven't got a boyfriend, but I don't normally know how to answer the question. It almost feels like a backhanded compliment when people ask me. Like they are implying that I'm a great person and deserve to have a great man in my life, but I haven't, therefore there is something wrong with me.

And that's where I think the negativity is coming from. This assumption I pick up from others that I'm in the wrong for not being partnered. Like they are pressuring me to go out and get married already. I don't like being pressured into things, that's why I might get frustrated towards people saying i should have a boyfriend.

So yeah, now that I'm getting it off my chest, I should start thinking a bit more positively. Of course, it helps if I do hear back from people who feel a similar way!

---------- Post added 7th Mar 2017 at 11:45 AM ----------

I like that you said you ask them other invasive questions until they get the point. I think that's an approach I need to try. Naturally, I don't like to ask people invasive questions. If I did I would feel bad. But then, by asking me those questions, people are making me feel awkward, so why not just give them a taste of their own medicine? :badgrin:

 

I don't feel there's anything wrong with me being single. It does bother me when people react negatively to me not having a partner, and try to give me a solution to something I'm not complaining about. What happened to "if it ain't broke, don't fix it"?

Another reason it bothers me is that it makes me think the person saying it is becoming bored of me, and that I need a love life just to make me more interesting. I don't want people trying to "improve" me, I just want people to accept me as I am. If I don't have a love life, there's no point in trying to talk me into making one happen. Especially if I have not even said "I want a partner." Talk about love and relationships with someone who does have a partner. When you're talking to me, try and get to know the person who I am right now, not the person who I might be if I were to have some lover.

I'd find the idea of falling in love a lot more appealing if it were to happen unexpectedly. Having someone trying to talk me into finding a love life and make one happen really takes out any sense of mystery or romance, and makes it sound like a chore. I don't want people giving me this "ugh, just find someone and get it over with" kind of attitude. Like one the other posters has said; "If it happens, it happens."

 

They probably don't actually realize that their comments are having a negative effect. It might seem like a compliment to say "you're a good looking guy, you've got a great personality, you should have a boyfriend" but it can also be translated as "all your good looks and charming personality are not good enough to get you a partner." It's making a negative statement. You're lacking this. You need to change that. You should have this.
I think it's really not a helpful response to give a single person, whether they are seeking a partner or not.

If I'm not expressing a desire to have a partner or asking for advice on how to get one, then I shouldn't be receiving any advice or encouragement on changing my relationship status. The best response when I say "no I'm not seeing anyone" would be a simple "ok then" and then we can move onto a subject I feel more comfortable discussing.

There's also the sympathetic reaction some people give when you tell them you're still single. THAT pisses me off. I just said "I don't have a boyfriend", not "I've got cancer". Sympathy is for when someone is experiencing loss, whether through death or a break up. There's a pretty big difference between losing someone who exists in your life, and not meeting someone. If people do feel sorry for me not having met someone, then they should probably keep that thought to themselves.

Besides, I've never said to anyone "You're in a relationship? Wow. How did that happen? Your partner must be desperate".

 

That's basically my attitude - if it happens, it happens. I'm just fascinated by the fact that people think I should be in a relationship, or actively seeking one, or feeling sorry for me because I'm not in one. What's making them think this way? Being single is totally normal for me, I've been at it long enough. So why do people have a problem with it?

Maybe it's because i have spoken openly and honestly about my dating experiences with these people in the past, that they expect me to come up with more juicy stories. I just think it's daft, that they feel the need to ask if I've met anyone recently. If I did start seeing someone, they probably wouldn't need to press the information out of me, it would likely be the first thing I say. "Hello. I've got a boyfriend now by the way." I guess people don't like surprises.

 

I've been on dates and had hookups, I just have not been in a relationship. And that bothers some people. It has bothered me at times, because I've seen people having relationships with partners they met at work or through friends or met at the gym or doing some sort of activity, and I've tried all of those things and never hit it off with anyone.

But I'm the only person who it should bother, not anybody else. And if I've come to realize that being single is not something to be depressed about, then people should respect that, and not react negatively to it. If I'm enjoying my life without a partner, then people shouldn't tell me I need to meet someone, because that's criticizing my choice of what makes me happy. If you're bored of me being single then fine - don't talk to me.

And if I was unhappy being single, people still shouldn't tell me I need to meet someone, because that will make me feel even worse about something I'm already unhappy about. It creates pressure and discomfort. If I was disappointed at myself for not having a boyfriend I don't need other people being disappointed in me.

Friends and colleagues should be supportive, and expressing disappointment at my love life (or lack of) is not being supportive, it's being judgemental and critical.