Online dating, romantic feelings not there???

Without going into all the details, I've been dating a girl I met on an online app since the fall. I soon discovered she was only going to be in my country for a few months before going home to hers, but I said I wanted to know her anyway because it would truly have been a waste otherwise. She was the only girl I really "clicked" with and wanted to be more than just casual texting buddies with. I was thinking about her all the time, and since our first conversation we've had the commitment to message each other every night except for maybe four times in four months. I've wanted to share everything with her, about my thoughts and about my life, and I've enjoyed eagerly learning about her as well.

We've learned each other's dark histories, and have supported each other with past baggage and personal issues. All of our important beliefs and values match, and on paper I think we have a very good thing going and the foundation for a very supportive, stable relationship. We want to know each other all our lives, and are excited thinking about traveling together in the future because she lives in another country. We've skyped and been on a couple of dates when I go see her in the city, and now she's finally about to go back, which didn't make me sad until the realization hit that it was the last time I'd be seeing her for a long time.

My problem is that she's told me that she loves me, but I don't exactly feel the same strong love as she does--no butterflies, no life-changing realizations about myself, and I haven't felt like I've gone on any adventures so far. I did fall in love when I was in college, even if it didn't end well because I was being emotionally manipulated and used. Just like this girl, I was facinated with a girl in a new place who I thought was amazing and inspiring in every way and she would take me on new adventures, which I loved. Now I've become that person for this girl, I think.

I wonder if it's because my brain can't make the same connection between the text conversations and the person I've spent time with downtown. It's like I've only met her a few times, even if I know practically everything about her and am totally comfortable with her. Is it possible my feelings could change and I'd feel the same excited hope as when we first started talking after we've spent more time in person together?? I've never really formed strong emotional bonds with internet friends even if I find it very easy to talk to them, and an important part of even normal friendships for me is just being together physically doing the same things in the same space where you can goof off, cuddle, or just see their facial expressions :/ I also haven't ever been in a real relationship before (except with one girl for three months just because we were both gay and got along), so being single comes naturally to me and is the only thing I know.

For me, the worst thing would be to lead her on when I can't reciprocate her feelings--but I don't even know if I just need longer than four months of talking and four in person dates with a few skype calls before my heart can catch up!! I don't even know what to do now, or if I should just wait and see what the future holds....?

 

I know I shouldn't force myself, I'm just feeling so anxious and putting pressure on myself to know my future feelings NOW!! And I'm sure some of the excitement is gone because we do talk to each other every single night, but it's just reading through a screen and it doesn't feel the same as getting to know my dormmates by hanging out in person and bonding by doing such mundane things as doing our homework together, for example.

We have communicated and talked about this one or two times, actually!! She is the kind of person to directly ask me specific questions if something is bothering her or me, which has been really helpful because I don't like to lie. I've admitted that I've been really concerned that I don't feel as strongly as she does for me, but that I still like her as more than a normal friend and I don't really like the idea of trying to date other people because she's already so wonderful and kind of fills that void for company in my life right now. She says that even though she would be sad and very jealous if I met someone else to date, she understands that it's a possibility and even if she'd maybe not speak to me for a week to make some distance, she still wants to keep me in her life forever.

I honestly feel the same. I am a little jealous when she talks about the guys who've treated her badly in the past or the girl who made her realize she was bisexual, and I realize that she might find someone she likes more when she goes back home, even if she doesn't think so right now. But she's someone who I've started to think about in the long-term just as someone who I find myself wanting to share things that go on in my life like when I get my first real job, move out of my parents' house into a place of my own, etc. I got really happy (and a little scared) but excited when we talked about traveling together to several countries someday because that's something on both of our bucket lists!

So I don't have that same feeling I've had before that movies and TV portray as the intense attraction and butterflies like I want to possess all of this person and have them by my side no matter what--instead what appeals to me about this girl was the idea to grow together as separate individuals in our separate countries while we're apart, but still sharing all of those milestones and moments as we go with one special person who wants more than anything for the other to succeed.

And the thing that makes it okay is that she's planning to come back and visit me about every year if she can, so we can dream about future dates! I'm having fun just having a partner in crime and someone to keep me company on the road of life for now.

I know I'm probably just kicking myself unnecessarily by overthinking and wanting the answers to my confusion as soon as possible, right???