Relationship advice - I don't know where else to turn...

Greetings.

I am new to this forum, and am in need of some advice. I have been with my girlfriend for just shy of a year now, and I love her deeply. We talk often of spending our lives together and eventually do want to get married. Most of the time, everything is wonderful and I'm happier than I've ever been. I'd say everything is as near perfect as it possibly could be, except...she has these mood swings that leave me feeling like I can't do anything right. I'm sorry if this gets long. *sigh*

Last night is a good example of what I'm talking about. She came home from work, turned on some music, and we fooled around for a while. It was awesome. Then, I got up and made dinner, she played her video games to unwind for a while, and then we curled up to watch some television while chatting about our days, how awesome our fooling around earlier was, etc. Everything was fine and we were laughing and giggling and talking and cuddling like we always do. Everything was pretty par for the course around here. A lovely evening thus far.

But, then I leaned in and kissed her and playfully asked when I can have my *ahem* "turn" with her (she did all the work when we fooled around earlier in the evening, and I love giving as much as I love receiving). I didn't use that exact phrasing, but basically I expressed my desire. And, just like that, her mood went dark and she said she didn't want to talk about it or she'd get frustrated. Maybe I should have left it alone, but I pressed for her to explain what she meant, because I was genuinely confused and a little taken aback. It felt totally out of the blue and I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong.

She said she's talked to me before about how she needs to be worked up a little, via me expressing my desires regularly (dirty talk, if you will), and that I obviously don't listen to anything she says. Then she mumbled something about this "feeling very familiar" and compared me to the girls she's been with in the past. It hurt me pretty bad, honestly. She quickly took it back and said that's not what she meant, but you can't really "undo" words, you know?

The thing is, we HAVE been talking and chatting regularly about our desires. We had talked for quite a while about it that very afternoon, in fact, and also had a bit of steamy conversation the day before. So, again, I was really confused, and told her so. That's when she went into the "obviously it's just me and I have issues because it's always this way with everyone I've been with" and she went silent and rolled over to go to sleep. Still confused and a little worried, I caressed her shoulder (I do this all the time) while I watched tv before also going to sleep (trying to respect her request for me to "drop it), and she said "You don't have to do that, just watch your show. I'm fine." And she started crying quietly. Clearly, she wasn't fine, but I just hugged her and let her fall asleep.

This morning, she got up and quietly got dressed for work, while barely looking at me. She usually wakes me up when she gets up for work, so we can spend a little time together watching the news and chatting a little before we start our days. I woke up on my own and asked if she was okay and she said she was fine. Again, she clearly was not, but she had to leave, so I let it go. I sent her a message telling her I love her and hope she has a good day, and she responded with "love you too" and has been mostly silent since. We usually chat often throughout the day.

This is not the first time something like this has happened, and it seems to be happening more frequently. She gets all up in her head about something (the topics vary widely) and goes completely cold toward me. Meanwhile, I'm left confused, worried, scared and upset. As with yesterday, these "episodes" seem to come completely out of the blue, and I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells, always afraid that some random thing I say or do will set her off. It's a horrible feeling.

I apologize for this being so long, but I'm honestly not sure what to do. I can't talk to my friends about this, because I don't want to color their opinion of her just because of my own frustration. I truly love this woman and I do want to marry her, I just don't know how to get past this issue, and it's becoming a BIG one.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me? Anyone at all? Help, please. :bang:

 

Thank you, Lazuri, for your response. I won't say this possibility hasn't crossed my mind before.

In my past relationships, my partners were (for the most part) usually willing to admit when they'd overreacted to something, were wrong in an argument, etc., but with her, she will fight tooth and nail to make sure she is "right" and I am in the "wrong," even when we both know that's not the case. At one point, I resorted to apologizing for things I had no real reason to apologize for, just to end the stupid argument, but then she turned that against me, as well, by saying my apologies were worthless because I *never* mean them (including when I really did). Once again, it felt like a no-win situation for me.

The thing is, she does seem to recognize when she's being irrational or making something out of nothing, but instead of just admitting that, she either turns herself into a martyr (you're going to leave me, I'm just broken, I have issues, I should just shut up and be happy, etc.) or she'll turn the blame on me by picking out something I said in my own defense or out of hurt or confusion and insist I hurt HER, overreacted, spoke irrationally, etc., which effectively switches the focus of our disagreement to something I did "wrong." It's so frustrating.

For example, last night when she compared me to her exes, I said "It hurts when you compare me to other girls you clearly weren't happy with" and she immediately turned that into "you're just looking for a reason to be upset. that's not what I said/meant. you do the same thing all the time" (I mentioned that maybe I was just used to butch women who hated when I talked dirty about things I wanted to do to THEM, but that I would work on that, so that's were the "you do the same thing all the time" came from). Not the same thing, in my mind, but to her it was enough to shift the blame.

Anyway, I'm not really sure where to go from here. I can't talk to her about this because it will just drag out the argument and add fuel to the fire, but I also can't keep feeling like I'm failing her at every turn. Guess I should do some reading on narcissistic behavior and empath-narcissistic relationships (because I am very much an empath) and see if anything clicks.

Thank you again.

 

Thank you so much, everyone, for your replies. It really helps to see that I'm not the only one who has ever dealt with this.

I spent yesterday afternoon doing some research on narcissistic and borderline personality traits, and they both seem to have a lot in common with each other, to the point that I could see where it would be hard for a non-professional to tell the difference. That said, some of the traits of narcissism don't really fit her at all, like an inflated sense of self (if anything, she constantly thinks she's NOT good enough and that I will leave her because of it). A lot of her behaviors really do look a lot like BPD, however, and some of the personal accounts I read look really familiar. *sigh* As others have said, none of us could really diagnose her, but it's good to at least have a starting point for myself to work with.

Yesterday, after reading some of the responses here and doing a LOT of research on my own, I made the decision to not engage her (via messages) throughout the day, and instead only answered briefly when she messaged me. This is not the norm for me after a "disagreement," as I typically go into "omg how can I fix this?!? mode" and try everything to calm her down/make her happy/etc. Not the healthiest, I know. Anyway, by late afternoon she messaged me an old photo of us and said she missed me and was thinking about me, and we chatted a while like nothing was wrong. I suspect she sensed I wasn't going to play into her inner-drama and was making sure I wasn't ready to walk out on her lol.

Last night when she came home from work, she was still unusually quiet, but trying to maintain light conversation. I went about my routine, as usual. Made dinner, caught up on The Voice, asked her about her day, etc. She mentioned she was "worried and frustrated" and I told her I was too, but that I suspected it was for different reasons. She went quiet, so I calmly said that we were going to need to address it and that it's not going to resolve itself. She agreed and asked me to go first, so I did.

I told her that I felt like her anger came out of nowhere and that I felt confused and frustrated, because I can't work with that. I need direct communication. I will never be a mind reader, and I thought it was unfair of her to expect me to know what she needs or wants if she hasn't expressed those things to me clearly. I also said I felt like she has a tendency to punish me with silence whenever things don't happen exactly the way she would like them too, and that this was not the first time this has happened and it's becoming a very big problem for me.

She tried to argue for a minute, but quickly realized nothing she was saying actually made sense, and then, surprisingly, she apologized. We spent the next hour talking things out (calmly), and for now we are good. I felt like i was heard, and, I think, she feels like she was heard, as well.

I know this will happen again, however, because, as I said in my original post, this is not the first time this has happened. The only difference this time is that I disengaged completely until we could talk calmly. I guess my next move now is to decide what I want to do with all of this. I may suggest couples counseling and see how she responds. All I know is that I can't keep walking on eggshells while waiting for the shit storm to happen again.