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How to deal with a homophobic friend I see every day?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by PinkCat, Mar 8, 2017.

  1. PinkCat

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
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    Okay, so she's not really a friend, but she's a friend of one of my best friends. Let's call this girl Lisa. Lisa, my best friend, one of my other friends, and I eat lunch together. I have only known Lisa for about three months, and we only talk at lunch, so we're not really friends.

    Lisa just found out that I'm a lesbian a couple weeks ago. At first, I thought she was fine with it. After time went on, I started noticing little things that she did or said that seemed like it bothered her. She seems very awkward when I sit next to her (I only do this when it is the only seat left), and she always moves away when she has the chance, even though I'm never that close to her at all. When I say "move away," I mean that she moves to the opposite side of the table and claims she was feeling claustrophobic. She asked me when I "became" and "decided to be" a lesbian and refuses to use any other terminology. She also denies things I say, claiming I cannot possibly know or be something because I'm a lesbian, even if the topic is completely irrelevant to my sexual orientation. For example, today she said I cannot be religious because I'm a lesbian. I especially take offense to this because I am indeed a gay Christian, yet she keeps denying that it could be possible. She is also a Christian; she has never explicitly said that she thinks being gay is sinful, but it's quite obvious that she thinks this. I really want to discuss this with her and convince her otherwise (or at least have her respect my opinion), but I am not sure how to go about doing this.

    However, my friend that sits with us is a gay man. He is very open about his sexuality (including very explicit material, might I add) and talks about guys every single day- no exaggeration. Lisa is perfectly fine with him and isn't bothered by him one bit. She has never said anything derogatory or disrespectful toward him. I, on the other hand, never talk about sex, or even crushes for that matter. In fact, I only talk about being gay if someone asks me a specific question about it, which is almost never.

    I'm a very calm, even-tempered person. I don't argue with her; I politely state my opinion and leave the matter be, which probably makes me look like a push-over. Her words and actions are starting to annoy me though. She doesn't feel comfortable around me simply because I'm gay, yet she's okay sitting near my friend who talks about strange things (he has quite the imagination) and gay sex. I have no feelings for Lisa whatsoever and wish she would understand that I don't like every girl I see. For the record, my best friend and my friend who is a gay man are very okay with my sexuality. My best friend is a straight girl and has had no problems with my sexual orientation and treats me no differently than anyone else.

    I know that not everyone I meet will accept gay people, but in most other situations I am able to walk away and not talk to the person again. Besides my family and church, I haven't met many people who were not tolerant of my sexuality (I realize how fortunate I am for this). I guess this is more of a rant than a question, but I would love to see others' thoughts about this, including any advice you have for me about how to deal with Lisa. If you have had a similar experience feel free to share. Thank you for reading!
     
    #1 PinkCat, Mar 8, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2017
  2. HornTornThornX5

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    Yo.
    When I first came out my one childhood friend absolutely would not shut up about how I wasn't really trans and is a steadfast homophobe. Yet she was still my friend. The point is that this Lisa might be trying to process lesbianism itself. She knows that your one gay friend will never be attracted to her and she can relate to him about guys to an extent. With you, she might just be trying to get used to having a lesbian around.
    The whole sticking to her guns thing about Christianity and "becoming" a lesbian is probably because she might actually think she's giving you your space and attention, but not really getting it. If that makes sense. By saying that you can't be Christian and a lesbian, she might be trying to distinguish your lesbianism and haphazardly accepting it.
    In the end, just give her time to understand about lesbianism and give her tons of space. If she's just a plain old homophobe, drop her, 'cause she's not worth your trouble. Find different friends to hang out with at lunch or introduce another one of your own to dilute the awkwardness.
    Probably more confusing than helpful.
     
  3. Really

    Full Member

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    She sounds insufferable. You don't sound particularly confrontational so maybe this will suit your style. :wink:

    Wherever she sits down, can you turn yourself slightly so more of your back than your front is facing her? I wouldn't start any conversations with her. At least for a while until she figures out that a) you don't like her, in any way "lesbian" and b) you don't appreciate her rude treatment.

    Enjoy your real friends. I'll bet they figure out pretty soon she's not the kind of person who they want as a friend, either.