How do I trust the man I love of 12 years

Honestly I think you guys should separate. Now that doesn't mean completely end your relationship but maybe it would be best if you guys live alone for a little while. That way you can see if you're happier alone or with him.

 

When you say you haven't had sex in 5 years, do you mean no kind of sex at all??

If you haven't had sex in 5 years and he's sexting with other men, it sounds like you're basically just friends now. At the least, it sounds like you have a serious conversation to face.

 

Honestly surprised you're still wanting to work things out, he's scum. It'll be hard but this is not a lasting relationship, not if it's been destructive since early on, and it sounds very poor from what's been written.

 

This is just my personal opinion but the biggest indicator of something being amiss to me is the simple fact that you've been together 12 years and he has trouble telling you that he loves you. I don't think it's a good sign for someone to argue with you when you express you don't feel loved enough. I've been dating a man for 3 years who says he loves me every time he talks to me. I know others aren't the same, but I still don't think it's good that he would feel pressured into it at all, you've been together so long, I don't think that pressure should be there considering love is probably the most important primary basis of a committed relationship. Oh and the multiple accounts of cheating seem to pretty strongly convey a sense of carelessness.

 

I'm sorry.

First, you're not an idiot for having been decieved.

I agree that a break sounds like a good idea, and I suspect you will be able to better work through your emotions when you have created that space for yourself. You'll also have perspective on the relationship and how to proceed.

He might have feelings for you, and he may be pretty numb from self hatred, etc. Regardless of his woundedness, you need to take care of yourself. It will be harder and harder for you to respect yourself if you stay.

It's probably best you haven't had sex with him. You have no reason to believe he has been monogomous with this other man, or that the other man has been monogomous with him. It's not like everyone is trustworthy in all areas of their lives, but he's underscored his untrustworthiness. Use your counseling time to negotiate untangling yourself, and be shrewed and take care of yourself financially, if so connected.

You may be getting a few of your needs met, but being afraid of losing those may be keeping you in a painful place. You need to get through this tough season, mend your heart, and be open to someone worthy of you.

We all have insecurities. That's why there are dimmer switches.

---------- Post added 14th Mar 2017 at 01:24 AM ----------

It doesn't mean you can't appreciate his positive qualities or appreciate the times you've shared, but you may be better off loving him from a distance.

 

To be honest, leave him. You may love him, but he doesn't feel the same about you. Evident by the fact he has cheated on you twice now. Love should be freely given. It shouldn't make someone upset unless they don't feel the same.

Have a friend who was with someone for the same amount of time. They have a kid together. Left her after all these years and is engaged to someone else now. Real piece of work that guy, and she is better off without him. In time she will see that.

I think you deserve someone who in 12 years says I love you because you smiled at them, or laughed in a cute way.

You gave him a second chance and he ruined it. Choice is ultimately yours, but you deserve to be happy. Are you happy?

 

He is clearly not as invested in the relationship as you are.

A relationship is like a bank account, it needs to be replenished with all the kinds of things that make a relationship worth being in.

When that bank account is full, the relationship can survive wicked fights, and even some betrayals over the years, but this does not appear to be your situation. To me the absence of sex over the last five years clinches it.

You are the only one who has invested in this relationship, unfortunately, that will not work.

There is the concept in accounting of "sunk cost", which is money already paid, never to be recovered. Many people confuse sunk cost with investment, so they keep paying money because they've already spent so much already, without realizing there will be no return on that investment, ever. You have invested 12 years with this guy, he has just been tagging along...this is where your wisest move would be to "cut your losses".

 

I think you have all the reason to separate with him right now. Giving someone another chance for cheating is one thing, but catching them doing it again is a whole other issue.

You say that you are also depressed. That's certainly not a place to be in a relationship. If you don't like how things are now, I wouldn't stay with him any longer. You've tried to give it your all, but he isn't reciprocating anything back.

Easier said than done, but 12 years is quite a while. I hope you make the decision that works best for you.