Over the course of my life, I have been emotionally abused and physically neglected by my parents. I still love them, but I often feel that I resent them, especially because of how I believe their behavior has influenced my life as a whole. I'm in a relationship with an amazing guy. I love him to pieces, and we were best friends for years before we ever got together. He has his faults, but if he didn't, he wouldn't be human. The problem is, I don't feel comfortable with him at all. Now that we are together, I feel constantly sick. Kissing him is tolerable, but not enjoyable, and I feel like I'm betraying him by thinking this. I just don't want him to get hurt, but at the same time being with him is killing me. I don't know why, it's just how I feel. I don't know if it is an after effect of my childhood trauma or not, but I'm just at a loss for what to do.
Sometimes it is okay to be selfish, and by saying that I mean it is okay to do what is in your best interest, not his. It is horrible being with someone and feeling uncomfortable or uneasy. If he loves you truly he will understand, just communicate how you feel with him. I'm unsure of if this is due to your past trauma, it is possible? Have you ever talked to a counsellor or therapist about this? Or even open up to a friend. When you think of him, do you love him in the sense that you see yourself marrying him etc? Or is it a friendship love that you have confused for a romantic one? It might take time and thinking + help to understand this. Maybe take a break from the relationship to see how you feel. I wish you all the best xo
