Dealing with people with emotional barriers

Hello everyone. I found this website one night, after crying my heart out with no exit at all. And as painful as it sounds, I’m not afraid of saying it loudly. I’m a single man, with no children, living a pretty calm life. Until my story started a few months ago.

I met a beautiful single Mom at work. I was stunned by her presence. While she’s very shy, I decided to talk to her. After a couple of weeks, we started dating. Came over for Christmas, we had dinner with my family, she stayed at my house for a couple of days. It was beautiful. And I was happy, And she seemed happy. Until just a day later, out of the blue, she broke up with me. The reason I was given was that we were going too fast. I was sad, but decided to respect her decision. I didn’t complain, nor beg for anything. I tried to make some sense, but it didn’t last. I hanged up the phone with my dignity intact, while my heart was, indeed, broken. My NYE was horrendous, but I didn’t make any contact. For some reason, it didn’t feel like other break-ups I had. This time, the pain was very, very difficult to bear with. I even developed some anxiety reactions that were totally unknown to me. Never had that kind of problem. So I wasted no time: I decided to enroll in therapy asap. After a couple of days, we talked things again and we decided to give it another shot, as friends. In the next months (Jan-Feb) we had many good experiences: I got to meet her daughter, her parents and I got to know the real her. That’s when it hit me; she is damaged inside. She went trough a lot of difficult relationships (including the father of her baby) in which she was abused, physically and mentally. It was the first time in my life that I was dealing with someone with emotional walls and trust issues, insecurities, worries and a huge fear of commit. She said it herself many times. Constantly I’ll get to hear things like “you are too good to be true”, “this is so fairy-tale”, “you deserve so much more than me”, “I never been treated like this”, “I’m getting to comfortable with you”, “I might end up moving here”. One night she stayed at my house again, and cried her heart out telling me her fears and worries. How some days she’ll be great and happy with me, and some other days could not stop thinking about cutting me off, out of fear. My reaction was always letting her know that we can enjoy things as a couple (by that moment it was clear that we were past the friends thing) and that I wasn’t going anywhere. While I acknowledge the horrors of her fears and how they prevent her to fulfill pure happiness, I always reminded her that she needed to try and fight them and that I was gonna be right there to help her. While is true that my anxiety towards her sudden changes of heart wasn’t getting better, I was confident that there was some future. Her parents loved me, I was more than willing to embrace her daughter, and I fully supported and understood her responsibilities as a Mom, meaning, I always knew I was never gonna be the priority. Everything was gonna be OK. Right?.

I was dead, dead wrong.

After what I thought it was the turning point for us, that fateful night in which she showed herself as she was and cried next to me for hours, and after going to work and her telling plenty of people that we were official (without my knowledge) she decided to broke up again in the same fashion as two months ago. Via text message. This time, though, the reasons were different: she mentioned that she didn’t love me as I loved her, that she always leave me hanging with an answer, that how unfair that is, and that she didn’t want to waste more of my time. She said that we tried being friends already and that didn’t work -I guess because we went back to act as a couple- but she still expected to be friends someday even when is too much to ask from me. And that she didn’t want to hurt me anymore.

My answer was short: I respect your decision, I appreciate you telling me this, I wish you nothing but the best. And that was it. Of course, I am devastated and heartbroken. I don’t wanna lie to myself trying to read too much into it. I don’t want to be the guy that believes what he wants to believe. I’m not dumb: I’m being told I am not loved and how much of a fool would I be to make myself believe otherwise. I have seen guys not being able to accept the truth of the situation and blame the traumas and fears of their ex-partner instead of seeing things clearly. Me?, I choose to believe I am not loved. And that’s that.

But now I am facing the break up. I feel lonely. I miss her so much. I want to grab the phone and call her. I want to drive to her house and talk. I want to tell her that we were happy and this is real. I want to tell her that I’m not her past, or her ex. I’m a different guy. I’m the guy that calls, the guy that supports, the guy that sends flowers, the guy that stands side by side. But I’m also the guy that doesn’t want to lose his dignity. So now, I stand here. Anxious, lonely, sad. I’m having physical reactions to the anxiety, my arms hurt, my back aches, my chest is about to explode….I never went trough this. It’s really, really difficult.

Even when I cry a lot and I really don’t want to do anything for now, I know that I gotta get out from this soon. I’m going back to do martial arts, I’m going back to my therapies next month, and I’m thinking about going back to school. It sounds like I have everything figured out.

Well… I don’t. I’m hurting like hell. I want her back but I also know that’s not happening. I just want to stop the pain. I just want to stop the damn pain.

After a week of no contact and seeing her at work, and some work-related interaction, I decided to have a talk with her. No begging, no please come back, no give me an opportunity shit. I just wanted to know the truth. So we talked and it made me realize how broken and confused she is inside. She basically told me that even when she feels great attraction towards me, she decided to cut things off because I was giving too much and she wasn't giving me anything (always downplaying her role in my life), She said that she's still trying to find if all of this is because lack of feelings or her own fears and walls, but it still wasn't fair to me. We both got emotional and I told her that If she wanted me out of her life, I'd leave. If there's no chance for us again, ever again, I'd leave. She said "I don't know". "I can't answer you that". I told her openly that she's the type of woman with the power to say a big NO when she wants to. I asked why is she not telling me straight, and just giving me half assed answers. She again said "I don't know, I can't predict the future". She was nervous. Extremely nervous.

So for one moment I decided to stay. I told her, as the idiotic martyr I just became out of love, that I was gonna be for her whoever she needed me to be. But I wasn't giving up on us. I'm gonna stay 'cause I promised her I wasn't going anywhere. I was gonna show her that I was different that all the douchebags that did her wrong. She just smiled and asked me if I was gonna be ok with this. I said yes. She said "Ok, sounds like a plan".

So we have been seeing each other again as friends for the whole week. A little cuddling here, a couple of hugs there. She seemed happy. Me?. I'm suffering like a mother fucker.

I received a call from her Mom and I met with her parents without her knowledge. They seemed concerned and surprised. Since I'm desperate (and believe me guys and gals, I'm faking it as a master) I decided to go to the meeting. And that's when I finally understood. She has been trough so much SHIT that it was totally impossible for us to even connect. I realized, as her Mom told me her whole life story, how many mistakes I made. I tried to show some love, tried to prove myself to her and all I was doing was pushing her away and scare her. I understood that with me, even when I meant no harm and love her, she was somewhat repeating the cycle of being with a guy and falling hard and starting to get comfortable with said guy, she'd move with him and shit will come down. Everything made sense. She was abused, beaten, cheated on and left. And let's not start with the father of her kid. It was a mess. Her parents told me straight that I was the first decent guy ever to try a relationship with her. They admitted that they somewhat pressure her to be with me officialy. Because I showed love and respect not only for her, but also for her daughter. They told me to keep fighting, even as friends, but fighting nonetheless. Eventually, her mother said, who knows "you can grow together and go back to where you were before".

I left her house very moved by everything and feeling guilty. Don't ask me why, I felt guilty. All the stuff I said and did for her, although it was pure in my heart, it was scaring her more and more and more. Pressure.

Yesterday I was at her house visiting. Her Mom kept trowing ideas for us to go out with her daughter and my little cousin. Her? as people with walls should know, was unable to commit to a plan. "I don't even know what am I doing tomorrow", she answered. When I tried to develop more, she said "I gotta see".

I was playing with her daughter the whole day. The little girl is starting to like me. We looked, I swear to all of you, like a family. And every time I went to the floor to play with the baby and run, and laugh, she was staring at us, motionless, in silence. Not a word. And me?...I was saying to myself how I could make these two ladies so happy if I had the chance. After that we decided to go watch a movie. The little one hugged me before I left telling me "please don't go". I was smiling and saying nice things, but inside... it was excruciating. I wanted to cry. I wanted to turn around and say WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING, WE CAN BE SO DAMN HAPPY!!!!.

After the movie we went back to her house, we chatted a little bit, I showed her an article about "introverts and extroverts". We read it together. She was smiling the whole time. Of course she was! she's having a good time with her new best friend!. Me?. I wanted to die. Right there.

I left her house. When I got home, I texted her telling her I was home. We said goodnight and went to sleep. Today I didn't text. I was thinking about playing those stupid dating games (no contact, let her do the pursuing and all that bullshit) but it's pointless. No word from her today. And tomorrow I'll see her at work, but I'm going back to avoid her.

And that's my story, good people. I was thinking about moving on without saying it. But for some reason, something tells me to stay and fight the good fight. I don't even know how to do that anyway.

 

Re: Breaking down someone's emotional walls

Hey Kipper, thanks for your answer. Yesterday I went with her to run some errands and then we ate something. Later she did something unexpected: she gave me a tour of her old neighborhood, the one in which she grew up. It felt good, she was very open to talk about her life. I just listened and smiled and joked. Then we parked in front of a Waterfront and talked for a couple of hours. We admitted the attraction again but I said to her that maybe at this moment breaking up was the best thing, since she wasn't ready to trust and open herself. I said I was gonna stay -again- and be there for her and her daughter. She just smiled. She also ranted about the horrendous pressure her Mom was putting on her to be with me. I cringed.

After I left her at home, she yelled at me "Let me know when you get home!, Take care!" because of the blizzard we have here on Jersey. I texted her but no answer. Today she went cold: no news from her. Is that normal?. It's obvious that with someone with her baggage you can't play dating games right?. I wanna be there, and I miss the hours of non stop communication we had when we started. But also I wanna give her space.

So for you that have the experience: what should I do?.

1. Should I text her and communicate with her normally as I used to?.
2. How do I keep gaining her trust?. Any tips?.
3. Is it a good idea for us to keep mentioning what happened and how much we like each other?. I have the feeling that those talks about "the future" are also a terrible form of pressure.

Please help me. Please.

 

Hey Flower. Thank you very much for your reply. I appreciate it a lot.

There's many people in my life that keep pushing me to leave her. "She's crazy", they say. "You deserve better". "Too much drama, she's beneath you" my own mother told me once. But for some reason, in my heart...something tells me to stay.

Some weird hope that with patience and love and understanding...things can work out for the better. I am also afraid. I don;t want to get hurt anymore. But at the same time, dammit, I have to be the strong one, right?. I have to be her wall. I have decided that yesterday was the last time we talk about "us". I'm not talking about that again. She already knows and I already know. I just want to help.

I just pray she doesn't meet another guy. But then again that's life.

So...any tips about how to help someone with this besides being just a listener?. Please!.