I have been feeling quite lonely for a long time. When I say lonely, I mean feeling a lack of intimate affection, I think. I do have friends, more than I ever had before probably, and my social life feels healthy. However, even though I'm 22, I've never been in a relationship. My whole family live abroad and I've not come out to them yet. So even with my closest relatives I feel like I can't be fully open and intimate. For a while I thought that the loneliness was just a need for sexual satisfaction, but in all honesty I don't think that's the case. I don't care I'm a virgin, and I only think of sex as something I would be comfortable doing with a partner I deeply trust and know well. Thing is, I don't know how to seek these relationships -- and whether I should at all. The gay scene often feels so intimidating. I keep thinking that years and years spent in the closet, mixed with my introvert personality are not allowing me to achieve real intimacy with anybody. I always feel so unsure about this part of my life -- like I'm missing any kind of experience to base my next move on. This part of my life feels so different from all its other aspects -- I wonder if these are the intimacy problems that so many queer people share... Should I just hope for the best and power through? Or should I actively do something about it? Thank you in advance, even just for reading this.
Hi CCC, You are definitely not alone in those feelings. When I first came out, I was hesitant and afraid to put myself out in the gay scene, felt like I had years to catch up on (accepted I was gay when I was 23). Years of denying my sexuality and self-hating had done a number on my confidence, but the only thing I can compare the situation to is jumping into a pool. At first, it is shocking, because of the cold, but once you stay in it long enough, the water begins to warm up and it is a comfortable feeling. Online dating has been the only way I have been able to meet other women who like women. I don't know how the gay male dating scene is, but I too had my fair share of picking through some bad ones to get to a good one. I think anytime you put your heart out, it can be intimidating. Ultimately, it is up to you. Personally, I am the type of person who wants to settle down and find Mrs. Right--as cheesy as that sounds, and the only way I will find her is if I put myself out there. Maybe you might be too young to be thinking about that part of your life, but i had one queer friend give me the best advice. She told me just to go on dates. Even if it was a one and done, just go on them and get more comfortable with that. You may find someone you like and likes you back, but even if nothing pans out romantically, you will have been on dates and it won't be so intimidating, and you don't owe anyone anything. When you know what you truly want, I believe you will go for it no matter what cost or fear. You'll just put your heart out there and hopefully get lucky. (*hug*)
Hey there. I'm not in the same situation however I understand the loneliness. It's been a hell of a long time since I've had a relationship. I don't have many friends or a social life. I don't feel the need for sex however I crave human contact....a simple hug and the comfort and feeling of being safe it gives. You have friends and a healthy social life however it seems that you are not getting everything you need from them. I understand that the Gay scene can be daunting. The only thing I can think to suggest is to maybe go to some of the bars earlier in the day when the focus is less on partying and meeting a partner. Hopefully this will allow you to feel more comfortable in that environment. This may give you more confidence and guys may approach you then as you won't seem so ill at ease/nervous. Any form of intimacy can take time to achieve for more introverted people. Plus it can take time to develop the level of trust you need to feel before you can share yourself emotionally or physically with someone. Just be open and honest with yourself and when you meet someone be open and honest with them about what you want and need. I hope you find what you are looking for whether it is from your friends or from someone new
I can definitely relate to the years spent in the closet and being introverted getting in the way of getting out there, but at the same time longing for some kind of close relationship. One piece of advice I had received is just to get out and do some kind of activity that makes you happy/you enjoy, regardless of whether it is part of the gay scene. You never know where you will meet others that are part of the LGBT community and just taking time for yourself can help make sure you really know and appreciate yourself That being said, I need to take my own advice as I don't even have friends or family that I am close enough to talk to about anything aside from small talk.
You mentioned you have a good social life, but you do not mention what type of social life it is. So assuming it is not LGBT focused, where in the U.K. are you located? If a larger city such as London, Manchester, even mid sized cities such as Bristol, etc, have you considered getting involved in various LGBT groups? Whether it means volunteering for an LGBT charity, joining an LGBT sports league, getting involved in a local LGBT center, there are many avenues where you can meet other gay guys in a non "scene" and non intimidating way. With the idea being to meet other gay guys in a relaxed setting without pressuring yourself. The best way to find a someone for an intimate relationship, is actually to go about your daily life but surround yourself with as many opportunities to meet other gay guys as possible.
