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Old 19th Mar 2017, 08:06 PM   #1
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Am I being too codependent/needy?

My bf and I have been together for over a year now. We've communicated quite regularly and met up once a week, just to catch up and whatnot. However, over the past couple of weeks, we've been communicating significantly less and while initially it wasn't an issue, he would not reply to my messages and if he saw them via iMessage, it would be left as "Read".

I brought this issue up and he's said it's due to school and other priorities. I understand where he's coming from, but all I wanted was to hear from him here and there, nothing too crazy. Looking back at our chat, I was upset over the fact that we haven't been talking as much as before. He's also said he has priorities aside from me, and I think that statement upset me. He's also said I was being too selfish, which at the time I probably was.

I'm not in school right now, and this situation happened last year but roles reversed; I was in school focusing hardcore on my studies, while he was also in school but the workload was far less than mine (I'm currently taking a year off).

Am I being too codependent/needy? Let me know what you guys think.
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Old 19th Mar 2017, 09:43 PM   #2
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Re: Am I being too codependent/needy?

I'm not hearing anything here that, on the face of it, sounds like codependency. I am hearing a lot of needy behavior. However, the two are usually related.

Looking at the situation, it does sound like you're a little too invested in getting responses, and that is usually coming from a deeply rooted place of not feeling worthy... the fear that you don't deserve the relationship is driving the need to get the responses. If you were completely secure and comfortable about the relationship, then you'd likely have no fears or worries when he doesn't respond right away.
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Old 19th Mar 2017, 10:51 PM   #3
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Re: Am I being too codependent/needy?

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Originally Posted by Chip View Post
I'm not hearing anything here that, on the face of it, sounds like codependency. I am hearing a lot of needy behavior. However, the two are usually related.

Looking at the situation, it does sound like you're a little too invested in getting responses, and that is usually coming from a deeply rooted place of not feeling worthy... the fear that you don't deserve the relationship is driving the need to get the responses. If you were completely secure and comfortable about the relationship, then you'd likely have no fears or worries when he doesn't respond right away.
Perhaps that is the case. I thought I was secure and comfortable with the relationship, but maybe I'm investing too much time in our relationship right now. If I was busy with school I'm sure it would be much different, and in fact more likely for me to understand why we might not be communicating.
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Old 19th Mar 2017, 11:09 PM   #4
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I Think that you really need to think what he means to you, what you think you mean to him and where that relationship is going.(whitch can be the hardest thing to do.)
I also think that especial in dating scenarios you have to think about whether that person is worth all this worrying. This is all easy to say from behind a computer but you need to think of him and yourself.
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Old 19th Mar 2017, 11:27 PM   #5
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Re: Am I being too codependent/needy?

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Originally Posted by kirito1 View Post
I Think that you really need to think what he means to you, what you think you mean to him and where that relationship is going.(whitch can be the hardest thing to do.)
I also think that especial in dating scenarios you have to think about whether that person is worth all this worrying. This is all easy to say from behind a computer but you need to think of him and yourself.
True. I think the issue here though is the neediness I'm exhibiting... The "constant reassurance" from others. When you're with someone for this long it definitely makes you wonder what our goals are both individually and as a collective.
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Old 20th Mar 2017, 08:49 AM   #6
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Re: Am I being too codependent/needy?

Constant reassurance is generally less about codependency, and more about a deep sense of "I don't deserve"... "I'm not worthy"... "I don't belong".

As I said above, it's difficult to unravel because neediness and codependency are deeply intertwined and when you find one, you usually find the other. I see them as separate, but related, if that helps.
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Old 20th Mar 2017, 09:47 AM   #7
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Re: Am I being too codependent/needy?

My BF and I have a similar dynamic, though reversed. I will say that your BF probably just wants to get his work done and feels annoyed that you constantly seek reassurance. Or at least that's how I feel as the recipient When I'm focused, I just want to get stuff done. When I'm relaxing, chatting is a nice break. My BF is Asian, so I think part of it is cultural (more emphasis on the collective and less on the individual) and part of it stems from neediness caused by his last breakup (he suspected his ex cheated).
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Old 20th Mar 2017, 04:07 PM   #8
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Re: Am I being too codependent/needy?

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Originally Posted by Chip View Post
Constant reassurance is generally less about codependency, and more about a deep sense of "I don't deserve"... "I'm not worthy"... "I don't belong".

As I said above, it's difficult to unravel because neediness and codependency are deeply intertwined and when you find one, you usually find the other. I see them as separate, but related, if that helps.
I definitely feel that way after an argument with him, probably not the healthiest way to look at it. Whenever I feel down, generally speaking, I need people's help to bring me back up on my feet. I get super negative with my thoughts, but after some time I feel better.

Would learning to be more independent reduce the need to seek dependence/approval/assurance from others? I don't like making mistakes despite the saying that everyone does, this is why I always ask for help.

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Originally Posted by SiennaFire View Post
My BF and I have a similar dynamic, though reversed. I will say that your BF probably just wants to get his work done and feels annoyed that you constantly seek reassurance. Or at least that's how I feel as the recipient When I'm focused, I just want to get stuff done. When I'm relaxing, chatting is a nice break. My BF is Asian, so I think part of it is cultural (more emphasis on the collective and less on the individual) and part of it stems from neediness caused by his last breakup (he suspected his ex cheated).
I'm Asian as well, but I'm not sure how it is in terms of culture (my family isn't very traditional, quite progressive). I would definitely be annoyed as well if I was the recipient, and in fact I was quite annoyed last year (he would keep asking me to hang out and I wanted to focus and get work/studying done just like yourself).

My bf is quite independent, while I usually go to people for help quite often (not for approval/disapproval, but more so "I'm unsure on what to do").
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Old 20th Mar 2017, 06:21 PM   #9
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Re: Am I being too codependent/needy?

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Originally Posted by Jax12 View Post
I definitely feel that way after an argument with him, probably not the healthiest way to look at it. Whenever I feel down, generally speaking, I need people's help to bring me back up on my feet.
A lot depends on what "need people's help" looks like. If it's simply someone to talk to once to bounce thoughts off of, that's one thing. If it's someone who is lifting you up and telling you how wonderful you are... that's something different. Self-worth, efficacy, and self-compassion need to come from you. They shouldn't be externalized to someone else's opinions, beliefs, or values.

Quote:
Would learning to be more independent reduce the need to seek dependence/approval/assurance from others? I don't like making mistakes despite the saying that everyone does, this is why I always ask for help.
It sounds like you aren't very sure of yourself. There's nothing wrong with making mistakes (as long as they aren't life-threatening ones) and, quite honestly, if you aren't making mistakes or failing now and then, you aren't trying hard enough. We do need to learn from our mistakes in order to grow.

So yes, being more independent and learning to solve your own problems would be a lot healthier for you.
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Old 20th Mar 2017, 07:56 PM   #10
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Re: Am I being too codependent/needy?

^ Cool beans. Thanks for your responses, really appreciate it.
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Last edited by Jax12; 20th Mar 2017 at 07:57 PM..
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