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Relationship/Friendship Help

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by gaynonsense, Mar 22, 2017.

  1. gaynonsense

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    So, I'm warning you now, this may be a longer post.

    For a bit of background. I'm currently attending a high school for gifted students. I live in dorm building, and most everyone here that knows me knows that I'm gay. I have no issues with being out here. I currently don't have a roommate (mine dropped out). One of my closer friends is talking loosely about rooming with me next year.

    With that out of the way, I want to say that I've made lots of good friends here, and this couldn't have been a better place for me. I met this dude very early in the year — let's call him Jimmy for simplicity's sake — and we didn't really talk too much before winter break. After break we hit it off really well.

    We became fast friends, and we still are today. He is an amazingly nice dude, and he is an even better friend. He is funny, smart, and just generally chill. He is hard to bother (which is good for me, I can be a bit clingy) and isn't afraid of my sexuality, something I'm still getting used to from my old school.

    Well, he is also a little bit touchy, which doesn't bother me, but it's important later on. He rough houses with me frequently, and I find it fun. I've always enjoyed rough housing since I was a kid, so it kind of takes me back. He never really hurts me, especially not on purpose, so there's no problem there.

    I'm finding myself in this sticky spot where I'm starting to develop emotions towards him, and it's kind of upsetting to me. I really like him as a friend, and he's quickly become an important friend to me. We've basically become inseparable. The issue is that I don't want to ruin the friendship if things don't work out, and he says that he is straight. I also don't want to throw out the chances of rooming with him next year.

    We watch shows together all of the time, we're currently watching SpongeBob. I tend to sit really close to him, and even snuggle up sometimes just to screw around. He doesn't really seem to mind, but he's never snuggled up to me before today. That and we've never really sat that close to each other with anyone else around (mostly because I was afraid to give others the wrong message).

    Today we were watching SpongeBob with a couple of our friends and Jimmy just moved over and lay his head down on my lap and let me wrap my arm around him while our friends were right there. This, I mind you, is also the most intimate position we've ever sat also. I've always been afraid to push things to the point of crossing any lines, but it seemed like he just didn't really care what anyone else thought. He didn't just sit there, he messed around by hitting his head on my gut a couple of times to the beat of a song, but otherwise he just laid there. We sat like that for about forty-five minuets.

    I just have no idea what to make of any of that. I want to date him, but his friendship is too valuable to throw out by introducing reciprocated feelings. What do you guys think?
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    It would seem you really have no choice but to talk to him. There is a risk if you let things continue as they are (where you would continue to struggle with the developing emotions) and there is a risk if you have a discussion with him about your relationship with him (where he does not respond well). Either way, your in a situation that requires you take a risk for your own peace of mind and I would suggest you speak to him.

    Just as you articulated your post, in a very thoughtful way, you can explain the challenge you have where you really appreciate his friendship while at the same time are concerned that you are developing emotions for him. I would suggest you go on to say that the emotions are only in the early stags so you rather figure out now how best the relationship progresses so you can manage your emotions properly.

    If he is comfortable enough with himself and, at the same time, only sees you as a friend, chances are he explains just that. He sees you only as a close friend and nothing more. This might be difficult for you to hear, but at least it sets the right foundation and may lead to you being able to continue your friendship while also keeping your emotions in check.

    If he is also developing some feelings, he might very well express that and then you can both see where that leads.

    Finally, if he is not comfortable with himself, and he reacts negatively which causes him to distance himself from you, well, its better you know that now. It would help you find closure and be able to regroup and move on.

    Your in a tough situation and, unfortunately, have to make a tough call to manage it. If you just let it sit inside of you, I would be concerned that your mentions fester and start to get the better of you.
     
    #2 OnTheHighway, Mar 23, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2017
  3. Worker Bee

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    You need to talk to him for your own peace of mind if nothing else. However I would be surprised if even the most comfortable with his own sexuality straight male has ever put his head in another guys lap.

    The fact that he would do that in front of friends suggests that he not only feels comfortable with you he is happy to show it.

    The rough housing may have been a sign that he likes you but didn't know how to express it.

    I hope that you talk to him and it all goes the way you want it to.
     
  4. jamescool

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    Nope. The important thing here is how he lies on your lap. I have a lot of straight friends who lied on my lap, and I've wrapped my arms around people as well. They are totally straight, but just act a little gay.

    Things do look different if he is actually "not straight", and probably likes you. You could sense it, your friends would have sensed it as well. My crush slept on my shoulder too. I could feel the difference. Others questioned about it too. I don't see any physical difference but yes, we can feel it. This is why I don't think my crush is straight.

    Overall I think your relationship with your friend is still progressing. And I think he probably likes you, but either does not want to admit it or in denial with his sexuality.
     
    #4 jamescool, Mar 23, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2017
  5. gaynonsense

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    Well, today's the day. I took all of your advice and I'm going to talk to him. I haven't had anxiety attacks for a while before I decided to do this, but I know it's for the better. Wish me luck and I'll keep you posted!
     
  6. Yelozbhsbjaj729

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    Good Luck! (!)

    I hope it goes well for you! (!)
     
    #6 Yelozbhsbjaj729, Apr 3, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 3, 2017
  7. gaynonsense

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    I know it's been a few days, but I needed a little time to really see how things went.

    So, to start, I texted him letting him know that I wanted to talk to him because I didn't have the courage to bring it up in person. He seemed a little confused, but went along with it.

    He later asked me what that was all about, and I just froze like a deer in headlights. My heart rate instantly spiked and I felt like I couldn't breathe. Probably a little bit of an overreaction, but I'm going to cut myself some slack; I have mental health issues after all.

    After something around ten seconds of terrifying silence, I finally told him. I said that since he is seriously considering rooming with me next year that I thought he deserved to know how I felt. I told him that I have a little bit of a crush on him, which may have been just a little underplayed; that's not the end of the world. It still got the point across.

    He took just a moment to process before saying that it doesn't change anything; we're still friends. He even commented that as long as I don't rape him in his sleep, we wouldn't have any problems to try and lighten my mood. He was really nice about it.

    We were both really busy around that time, though. I didn't really get an accurate judgement of how he feels until today. In the meantime, he was telling me that he might not get to room with me because of other issues that came up, but he really stressed the fact that what I told him had no bearings on his choices and that nothing was set in stone. He even brought just that up out of the blue today; I think he could tell that I was really stressed out because of everything.

    Well, we also had some time to hang out today—nothing seemed out of the normal. I still don't really have a good feel for if he is still comfortable being so touchy around me (i.e. rough housing) because we didn't really sit down much or anything; but he didn't shy away from the little rough housing we did.

    I did get to accurately judge that he just doesn't care about it in practice when talking to me. He really hasn't really changed how much he talks to me or the tone or anything. He didn't really hang out any less than usual when we have time either. It's as if nothing has really changed and I couldn't be any happier.

    I was terrified that I would lose him as a friend, and I didn't. I really owe everyone a serious thank you for your helpful advice.

    And to those of you who were suggesting that he might like me back; nothing really changed on that regard. I didn't really ask and he didn't really say. I'm going to say that he doesn't reciprocate the feelings, but that's okay. I'm happy to just be friends.