is this guy bi, in denial or straight -attracted to me but has a girlfriend I am confused and need advice. This is a long post- apologies! Please do take the time to read it. I realised I am gay only a few years back when I was 40. I still can’t understand why it took so long. Maybe it was repression or denial or just cluelessness when growing in a society where the words homosexual and gay were not even uttered. I was bullied in school for effeminate manner and I hated being with boys. So loving them seemed out of question. To cut a long story short, I met someone for whom I developed feelings and six months later everything fell into place. I was glad to come out. About a year ago I noticed an attractive gym trainer and did not think he would be gay. One day I smiled at him and lo and behold he comes and stands near me but facing away from me. This happened many times. I was surprised but thought he must be straight and teasing me so I did not take it further apart from smiling. But I could feel something. He used to stare at me from a distance but could not look at me from close. Then he started to hover around me in that he knew when I would come to the gym and make his presence felt and also began to initiate eye contact. He would be upset if I ignored him. Later he started walking closer to me and looking at me if I noticed him. I thought he was shy (he is in his early thirties) so I walked up to him, introduced myself and asked if I could have a training session with him to which he was initially surprised but readily agreed. I felt that was the best way to get to know him better. He mentioned that he teaches music and I was keen to learn an instrument and he somehow managed to fit me into his schedule. We had great chemistry and he was keen to know everything about me including the type of person I want to marry! I did not know he was gay yet only a suspicion. His face would light up when he saw me and would be unhappy if I cancelled a class. I asked him a couple of times who were his family and apart from his siblings and parents he never mentioned anyone else. I suggested that we should go out for coffee to which he became nervous and said he was busy. I thought I will ask again later as it probably was too soon. One day when we were alone in the music class I told him that I liked him and found him attractive and interesting. He listened and was happy that there was no ‘ambiguity’. He asked if I was happy with the way things were going and I said I am happy for now but would like things to develop forward. A few weeks later he says he is going away for a week with a ‘lady friend’. Made me suspicious but when I asked him out for a movie/dinner he again said he is busy. When he saw me next he was very sweet and nice and spent time with me in the gym talking. When he returned from his trip he avoided the subject but when asked he said it was only relaxation and nothing else. He was keen to play it down. I was unhappy and insecure. He became upset when I accidentally touched his neck and accused me of hitting him! He quickly calmed down and did stuff to please me. He even arranged a meal out for me with some of his other clients which is when I learnt he had a girlfriend. I confronted him about it and he admitted the truth. He said it was his personal life so he kept it private. He said he is friendly with girls and boys. He was not sure how we could continue the training but I felt that I wanted it to continue and could be professional. He had tears in his eyes and said he would think about it. The next day he agreed to continue. I was somewhat surprised. Here I am accusing him of being a liar and he is keen to continue our association. I was reserved during training and kept a distance and would not talk much at all. He tried his best to get it back to where we were before the disclosure and after a month or so I also calmed down as I was benefitting from the training. He texted me saying he is happy I am continuing to train with him. He does whatever I ask him to do. I asked him for some extra time in the music class and he agreed. He remembers every small thing I say some of which even I don’t remember. He is upset if I ignore him and wants me to smile at him, laugh and be happy and he will try his best to make me smile. However knowing he had a girlfriend, I kept a distance. One day he will be close to me but the next week he is distant as if he is worried I will find out he is attracted to me. I have noticed him checking me out and even staring at my waist with a smile. When I wore a rather tight shirt he took a picture of me and also when I lifted weights he took a video of me. Recently he asked me to take a video of him on my mobile. He is however incredibly nervous when we are alone together and appears stressed and anxious. I can almost feel the nervous energy. This guy cannot even walk out with me in public. I feel a strong emotional connection and it feels to me he is emotionally involved. My feeling is that he is gay and in denial. However I do not think he will admit it. He says he has ‘dirt in his mind’. Recently he went away on a weekend with his girlfriend and had to cancel classes of some clients including me. He was so scared to tell me that he would be away and went to great extent to please me, compliment me and even gave me the use of his locker. I knew something was up. Next day he texts me to say the class is cancelled as he will be away. After he comes back he is again strange- wants me to call him, allows me the use of his room in the gym and apologises for cancelling the class. I said he would have to compensate for that and he agreed. He even reminded me what he should do before leaving! I said he should walk out with me after the gym session to which he agrees. His gf was with him in the gym (don’t know why), so he said he would do so at our next session. A few days later she comes again to the gym and he is talking to her and ignoring me. But the next class he is again eager to please and says I should trust him and does stuff to please me. This time he brought his car and when I suggested he did this to avoid walking with me and he should drop me home; he agreed and did. I once mentioned a song I liked when iw as growing up, he downloaded the song and polays it to me to cheer me up. Then recently (before his trip) he takes an extra long class and teaches me to this song. When we had the music lesson after he came back from his trip he played the song again. He took his jacket off as if wanting me to admire his physique as he had worn tights hgirt, wore glasses which I had complimented months ago and was swaying to the music trying to entertain me. He asked me to smile when he saw I wasn't. later i mentione di may have to cancel the next class as I am busy and he adjusts his timings for me! His behaviour is driving me crazy. I am trying my best to keep a distance and date other guys as I do not think he will come out anytime soon possibly never. It appears he is in the closet but this stuff has been going on for a year. If he was straight he would have given up as I have not slept with him. He has said that he will be upset if he hurts me in any way and is very caring and affectionate. He is also extremely sensitive. He is different with me. He is upset if I cancel a class as if I am rejecting him. Not so with others. He touches me on the chest, shoulder and sometimes the hips but he is a trainer so can get away with it. He has numerous topless pictures of him on Facebook and only an occasional picture of his gf. He is sensitive about being touched by me. Sometimes he gets close to me and then he realises it and goes to his girlfriend as if he probably feels guilty and then he goes on a trip with her and tries to please me and not want to hurt me. He is laddish and has a good network of friends and family fearing which he will remain with his girlfriend only. I wonder if he is looking for a fling but his emotional involvement makes me wonder if he wants more but is scared to admit the truth. Why would he pursue me, do things to please me, try his best not to upset me and be caring and affectionate if he had no feelings for me? He will not admit it. If you have not slept reading this any thoughts gratefully received! There are other instances to say but shall add them later! Is this guy bi, in denial or straight?
I feel like he is behaving oddly towards you. He might be closeted, either gay or bi. I think he could be in to you but is scared of what his girlfriend would think or is just scared of coming out. Try not to be so hard on him though. I think he likes you but is just scared and confused. Be a comforting figure in his life, someone who is gentle and feels he could turn to. It might coaxe him to come out or just have it so you're not getting mixed signals and he can be open with you
Thanks. His behavior is so odd. I too feel he likes me and there is a chemistry between us which I have tried hard to deny. I try to be nice to him so he can be comfortable with me but every time I seem to be making some progress he pulls back and gets closer to his girlfriend. I feel he does not want to lose me but is scared of getting closer to me. Sometimes he just cannot control himself and touches my chest, shoulder etc. He maintains a distance if his friends are around but otherwise he is friendly and talk some personal stuff in between training. ---------- Post added 28th Mar 2017 at 06:27 PM ---------- He is probably deep in denial or deeply closeted. Wonder if the moderators have any take?
It sounds like he is at least bi and trying to deny it. It may be that he doesn't want to hurt his gf or he's worried that coming out may have a negative impact on his job. It appears that he is into you and despite his denial he can't help himself (It may be that he is not even aware that he's touching you as it's so instinctive) I guess what you really need to ask yourself is how much more of this push and pull you can cope with. You obviously feel a connection with him and want more but if he can't give that to you you should really break free and find a guy who wants to be with you. You deserve more and need to stop torturing yourself hoping he will come out.
We don't know his orientation, and he himself may not know. However, if this has been going on for a year, you have to ask yourself why do you continue interacting with him. What do you want out of him? You say you've dated other guys. How has he reacted to that? Are you still able to "keep it professional" knowing he gives mixed signals? Could you tell him about those mixed signals and see what he has to say for himself?
For whatever it's worth, he sounds like he Came Out to you as, a Bi guy but it seems clear that he is not really comfortable with his same-sex attraction to you. Whether that is because it is a side that he really hasn't explored before (although he seems obviously to be interested in you in 'that way') or because he's divided over his attraction to his girlfriend, that is probably not something you want to get into the middle of. He definitely seems divided - whether it's based on physical or emotional attractions - but until he decides for himself, you (as well as his gf) are left hanging. So my only question to you is: do you want to place yourself in that precarious position or simply give him your number and tell him to call you if he decides that you are the right one instead of her? (Keeping both of you on the hook in the meantime doesn't force him to make a choice.) Just my two (maybe very harsh) cents.
To be honest, given how long this has gone on and the facts he has told you about his personal life (he has a girlfriend, etc.), I don't think this is going to go anywhere. He may indeed me closeted or otherwise wrestling with same-sex attractions, but if he's not willing to come out to you, not willing to face those attractions, or not willing to end his current relationship, then the end result is all the same - you and he won't be dating anytime soon. If this is still something that is occupying your thoughts all this time later, my best advice would be to get another trainer. You need to move on, and it doesn't sound like he's going to be willing to make a firm statement on the subject (after all, if you're paying him for the training, why would he turn away a customer?). If closure is going to be obtained here, you may have you create it on your own.
With regard to Resu, when ever I tell this guy I am away for the weekend his face becomes serious (not smiley anymore) and he wants to know where I have been. He is uncomfortable and makes me too. If he knows in advance that I will be going away (even if it is a lie) he will make it a point to give me some extra time and entertain me by playing my favorite song. Although I have seen him around for a year, we have got talking for past five months when I asked him to be my trainer. where I live it is not easy to meet gay guys (most of them are the down low types) so I have felt that I should persist and see where this leads but date others if available! I have told him that I know and understand the real him and I am ok with it and he did not say anything against it. He is always interested to know of my feelings for him (have told him once directly and once indirectly) and then he comes close and wants to take the discussion further. But then there are time constraints and the session is over. When he said he had 'dirt in his mind' it appeared to me that he was implying he wants to sleep with me. But then even I am thinking that this guy reacted so dramatically when I touched him then how can he get intimate with me? As regards NerdbyNature - you are right: his touch is instinctive many times. It appears to me that he is attracted to a good chest and he has always complimented my chest. He sometimes gets so excited that he touches the chest, shoulder and sometimes my arm. Sometimes he touches my hips to align them properly if I am not doing so the right way. I have noticed that it is a sort of signal - after our initial misunderstanding (when I heard he had a gf) he started to touch my hips a couple of times every session as if to suggest he is still close to me (What I think) and does so even now on most sessions barring the odd one. If he is upset for some reason he may not do it. If any of his mates are around also he will not do so. However once when his gf was around he still did it because he wanted to please me as he had been away with her for the weekend. The other thing I have noticed is that if he cancels my session and goes away with his gf for the weekend he is extremely apologetic (but will not tell me he was away with gf - just that he had been away. Will use "I" instead of "we"). At our next session he will make great efforts to please me and will agree to anything I say and profusely compliment me! He does this even before going away, so now I can smell what is coming. Have also noticed that he is very touchy feely with girls and knows a lot of young girls and is around them talking always. But one can sense it is platonic. He is in his thirties and these girls are in their early twenties (seems his gf is too). The reason I give him a bit of a rope is because we have amazing chemistry. He is scared of that I feel. Sometimes he gets so swept away in all the fun and banter that he ahs remarked that he is having so much fun! Purely instinctive. He is a sensitive guy and he does allow me to see his sensitive and vulnerable side. But I want a boyfriend!! ---------- Post added 29th Mar 2017 at 07:06 PM ---------- Another thing I have noticed is that he knows some gay mannerisms. He cautions me not to keep my thighs together inadvertently (as I don't do usually) when I am doing gym stuff. He has done this on more than a few occasions. Why would a trainer do that unless he recognizes it and has tried hard to cover it himself? He is also upset if I cancel a session and it is almost like I am rejecting him - I get a very uncomfortable feeling. Regarding getting money from me - I have thought of this. He expects me to pay only after the session and not pre-book them. He could have easily asked me to come for more classes which he hasn't done and he could also get others to train as he has a fair number of clients.
I must mention that he was abroad for a few years and there was a photo of him on the net with two other guys who were named but he was referred to as 'a gay guy'. There were also some pictures of him modeling in a local gay magazine.
As regards NerdbyNature - you are right: his touch is instinctive many times. It appears to me that he is attracted to a good chest and he has always complimented my chest. He sometimes gets so excited that he touches the chest, shoulder and sometimes my arm. Sometimes he touches my hips to align them properly if I am not doing so the right way. I have noticed that it is a sort of signal - after our initial misunderstanding (when I heard he had a gf) he started to touch my hips a couple of times every session as if to suggest he is still close to me (What I think) and does so even now on most sessions barring the odd one. If he is upset for some reason he may not do it. If any of his mates are around also he will not do so. However once when his gf was around he still did it because he wanted to please me as he had been away with her for the weekend. The other thing I have noticed is that if he cancels my session and goes away with his gf for the weekend he is extremely apologetic (but will not tell me he was away with gf - just that he had been away. Will use "I" instead of "we"). At our next session he will make great efforts to please me and will agree to anything I say and profusely compliment me! He does this even before going away, so now I can smell what is coming. Have also noticed that he is very touchy feely with girls and knows a lot of young girls and is around them talking always. But one can sense it is platonic. He is in his thirties and these girls are in their early twenties (seems his gf is too). The reason I give him a bit of a rope is because we have amazing chemistry. He is scared of that I feel. Sometimes he gets so swept away in all the fun and banter that he ahs remarked that he is having so much fun! Purely instinctive. He is a sensitive guy and he does allow me to see his sensitive and vulnerable side. But I want a boyfriend!! Another thing I have noticed is that he knows some gay mannerisms. He cautions me not to keep my thighs together inadvertently (as I don't do usually) when I am doing gym stuff. He has done this on more than a few occasions. Why would a trainer do that unless he recognizes it and has tried hard to cover it himself? He is also upset if I cancel a session and it is almost like I am rejecting him - I get a very uncomfortable feeling. Regarding getting money from me - I have thought of this. He expects me to pay only after the session and not pre-book them. He could have easily asked me to come for more classes which he hasn't done and he could also get others to train as he has a fair number of clients. ---------- Post added 31st Mar 2017 at 06:26 PM ---------- As regards NerdbyNature - you are right: his touch is instinctive many times. It appears to me that he is attracted to a good chest and he has always complimented my chest. He sometimes gets so excited that he touches the chest, shoulder and sometimes my arm. Sometimes he touches my hips to align them properly if I am not doing so the right way. I have noticed that it is a sort of signal - after our initial misunderstanding (when I heard he had a gf) he started to touch my hips a couple of times every session as if to suggest he is still close to me (What I think) and does so even now on most sessions barring the odd one. If he is upset for some reason he may not do it. If any of his mates are around also he will not do so. However once when his gf was around he still did it because he wanted to please me as he had been away with her for the weekend. The other thing I have noticed is that if he cancels my session and goes away with his gf for the weekend he is extremely apologetic (but will not tell me he was away with gf - just that he had been away. Will use "I" instead of "we"). At our next session he will make great efforts to please me and will agree to anything I say and profusely compliment me! He does this even before going away, so now I can smell what is coming. Have also noticed that he is very touchy feely with girls and knows a lot of young girls and is around them talking always. But one can sense it is platonic. He is in his thirties and these girls are in their early twenties (seems his gf is too). The reason I give him a bit of a rope is because we have amazing chemistry. He is scared of that I feel. Sometimes he gets so swept away in all the fun and banter that he ahs remarked that he is having so much fun! Purely instinctive. He is a sensitive guy and he does allow me to see his sensitive and vulnerable side. But I want a boyfriend!! Another thing I have noticed is that he knows some gay mannerisms. He cautions me not to keep my thighs together inadvertently (as I don't do usually) when I am doing gym stuff. He has done this on more than a few occasions. Why would a trainer do that unless he recognizes it and has tried hard to cover it himself? He is also upset if I cancel a session and it is almost like I am rejecting him - I get a very uncomfortable feeling. Regarding getting money from me - I have thought of this. He expects me to pay only after the session and not pre-book them. He could have easily asked me to come for more classes which he hasn't done and he could also get others to train as he has a fair number of clients.
Hey Pole star, Realistically, the only way to really know is to talk to him directly about this. Otherwise you can go on speculating endlessly and (mis)interpreting everything he says and does in terms of your crush on him. But even if he is romantically attracted to you, if he's completely unwilling to Come Out, your chances of having a fulfilling a relationship with him are extremely slim. As you stated in an earlier post: you "want a boyfriend." If he's in the closet, you can't have him as a 'public' boyfriend. Since you finally Came Out after so many years in the closet, how would you feel about still having to play that game by keeping your love life a secret from everyone close to you? As Gravity said earlier in this thread, it doesn't look like this is going to go anywhere. Just some thoughts.
I agree that you need to be more direct about what you want and then listen to what he is willing to do. You are not a mind-reader. Don't get tunnel vision just because you see this guy so often. There are other guys who are out and comfortable in reciprocating attraction.
Just an update. I went away for two weeks as I thought it best to take a break. I phoned and told him that I will not be having a seesion for a week and would come back and let him know. I stayed away for two weeks. I had switched off my mobile when I was away. When i cam back he had messaged me twice asking me to schedule a date for the session. When i saw him he was very upset and wanted to know where I had been and if I had been on a holiday. I casually said that i am like sand and he cannot hold me in his palm and I would slip away to which ha said that sand will stick on legs and socks too! He said he is unoffended but looked like a sad and hurt puppy. He was keen to have me back for the session and appears to have done some homework while I was away - attempting to do stuff he rememberes I liked and avoiding anything I didn't like in the past. He paid some compliments instinctively saying I looked better in my shirt than him(!) and that I smell nice. he said it is good to have me back. It is difficult but I guess this will drag on like this without any progress. Any thoughts? ---------- Post added 14th Apr 2017 at 02:44 PM ---------- Just an update. I went away for two weeks as I thought it best to take a break. I phoned and told him that I will not be having a seesion for a week and would come back and let him know. I stayed away for two weeks. I had switched off my mobile when I was away. When i cam back he had messaged me twice asking me to schedule a date for the session. When i saw him he was very upset and wanted to know where I had been and if I had been on a holiday. I casually said that i am like sand and he cannot hold me in his palm and I would slip away to which ha said that sand will stick on legs and socks too! He said he is unoffended but looked like a sad and hurt puppy. He was keen to have me back for the session and appears to have done some homework while I was away - attempting to do stuff he rememberes I liked and avoiding anything I didn't like in the past. He paid some compliments instinctively saying I looked better in my shirt than him(!) and that I smell nice. he said it is good to have me back. It is difficult but I guess this will drag on like this without any progress. Any thoughts? ---------- Post added 14th Apr 2017 at 02:45 PM ---------- Just an update. I went away for two weeks as I thought it best to take a break. I phoned and told him that I will not be having a seesion for a week and would come back and let him know. I stayed away for two weeks. I had switched off my mobile when I was away. When i cam back he had messaged me twice asking me to schedule a date for the session. When i saw him he was very upset and wanted to know where I had been and if I had been on a holiday. I casually said that i am like sand and he cannot hold me in his palm and I would slip away to which ha said that sand will stick on legs and socks too! He said he is unoffended but looked like a sad and hurt puppy. He was keen to have me back for the session and appears to have done some homework while I was away - attempting to do stuff he rememberes I liked and avoiding anything I didn't like in the past. He paid some compliments instinctively saying I looked better in my shirt than him(!) and that I smell nice. he said it is good to have me back. It is difficult but I guess this will drag on like this without any progress. Any thoughts?
Hey Pole star, It sounds like your two week break from him didn't really change anything about your situation. Same dilemma, different day. So to speak. What do you want to do?
Thanks Quantumreality. His reaction to when I was away seems that I affect him, my absence affects him. He is not able to accept his feelings/is or does not want to understand them as he is comfortable with the current set up. He gets to see me on regular days of the week and this probably helps him address his gay feelings. It is obvious that he makes great efforts to get me back there. I do not think it is only financial reason as he has other clients and could easily get someone else in my place. I do not even pay him before the session so can cancel anytime without any financial loss to me. He appears scared and probably does not want to address the issue. In fact for some parts of the session, it is like we are a couple bringing up isssues of why we said/did something. It is like me being around gives him some support, confidence. I need to look after myself so I will date others. I will be friendly with him as he is basically a good guy and see how it goes - being away for a fortnight gave me the confidence that I can manage myself on my own.
Hey Pole star, As long as you're good with the situation in your own mind, that's cool. You've got to do what's right for you.
