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My First love...and Reconnecting..;-;

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Zemus, Mar 24, 2017.

  1. Zemus

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    First I'll give some background information. [Sorry for the wall of text right now]

    I met Isaac when I was in the 3rd grade, and we quickly became best friends, we were same the age, within 5 months of each other. We did everything together, well... what we could with transportation limitations for the kids we were back in the 80's [Normal kid stuff back than anyways - Video Games, Playing outside in the dirt..stuff like that.]

    Several years into our friendship, our bond changed. We went from friends to a 'couple'? It may have been curiosity at first (we were still pretty young...12? I think), but as the years progressed, He and I became very intimate with one another. We were still the best of friends, and we shared in everything, there was a real connection there, not only that we grew up together, but Isaac knew me in a way that no one ever has since then. He knew the real me. We had six wonderful years together, we supported each other in everything. I feel foolish, sad, and BLIND now after almost 20 years that I couldn't see in our actions that he loved me and I loved him. But I wanted him to say it, but I should've said it...but I wanted to hear the words he never would say. I started to feel that maybe our connection wasn't what I thought it was, that maybe it was just physical to him and not emotional. I began to believe that maybe this wasn't what he wanted in life, that maybe he wanted a family eventually. We both had to hide our relationship from everyone. The time we lived in and the area was a dangerous place for us to grow up in. Both Families were very..homophobic..it was sin.. and other words I won't mention. On top of having to hide our feelings, family and religion caused even greater confusion for me. I had to live up to certain expectations, and still to this day, have those expectations forced on me to an extent. I guess in short, I let him go. I thought ...I believed I knew what he wanted....I never wanted to hurt him, I wanted him to be happy...so I let him go and tried to move on...I never found someone like Isaac, and with the expectations of family and religion, I decided I needed to be like everyone else around me, to "fit in"..I hate myself a little more with each day that passes for accepting this life that I've chose to live. I let go of the one person I truly loved from the bottom of my heart. I had to break my heart to let him go..it was painful to say the least. So after all this, I met my now Wife of 20 years. She is a great person, and I lover her very much...but...

    Fast-Forward to about 3 months ago:
    I haven't seen or talked to Isaac in almost 20 years. I never talked about him to anyone, until one of my now friends from an online game approached me asking if I was gay, and at first I was like, what?? no!!, being married to a woman for 20 years would kind of give you the hint I wasn't, right? Anyways we started to talk about some serious subjects...like abuse in childhood... And..eventually, I started opening up to him about Isaac, I let it all out, I probably cried for a good hour with this friend. He convinced me that I should try to find Isaac. I was very resistant at first. I believed there would be no way he would ever want to talk to me again. But than I thought, what if...

    So I finally built up the nerve to write him a letter, laid everything out, I told him how much I loved him, that I would've thrown everything away for him back then, but I chose to let him go, because I wanted him to be happy. It was probably a month after that letter, after I assumed that he didn't want to talk, that I received the following from him:
    "I want you to know that I will always have a place in my heart for you also. Growing up together, being together, those are some of my happiest memories as well. I almost told you then that I loved you, but like you I thought that I might just be getting the way of your chance at a 'normal' life. I thought you getting married was kind of a sign that maybe I had read the situation wrong. I just never wanted to hurt you in any way. So, I did pretty much what you did, I stuffed it down and I tried to move on. I stumbled quite a bit along the way, but managed to pick myself back up. Somewhere along the line, 10 years ago, I met a girl and we started seeing each other. We've had our ups and downs. Looking at it now, I guess I've always been trying to recreate that bond as well, just failing. It was special and something I may never have again. I'll always be here as a friend and nothing will ever change that" :tears::tears::tears::tears::tears:

    I was shocked, I couldn't believe what I was reading, I was....devastated!!! I believed for so many years, and I was WRONG!!

    We have reconnected as best as we can, with Text and the occasional visits. We've talked about the past, and he has answered all my questions openly and honestly..But he has a family of four kiddos now, and has been engaged for the last 3 years, and I've already told him I would never mess with his family, and that I'm happy for him.

    At least one of us got to have a family... Klinefelter Syndrome [XXY] sealed the deal for me..

    I guess my question would be....is there any hope? Should I be content with his offer of friendship? He's the only one that I ever let see the real me. Now I've built up layers to protect my core from society. The friend that kind of started this all, he insists I should just let fate run its course, that it has a plan for me and Isaac...as much as I want to believe this...I'm not sure I believe in fate, with how my life has turned out thus far....

    Sorry again for the wall of text, I hope I didn't bore you all too much... just .. a lot of stuff on my mind...

    Sorry for typos and grammar, I'm not an English Major... lol
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Similar to you, I had reached out to a long lost love from my adolescence. 20+ years had passed from when we last spoke. Unlike you, I reached out for one purpose, to seek closure. To put behind me all of the thoughts of "what could have been" and clear my mind. At the time I reached out, I had already embraced my sexuality. I was on my journey of self discovery.

    Oddly enough, when we reconnected (he actually found me first), he had followed almost the exact same path I had. He married, I married; he had two daughters, I had two daughters; he moved to a foreign country to hide from himself, I had done the same but to a different country; he separated from his wife, I had separated from mine. It was really strange how much alignment there was.

    However, when we did get together, I realized something. I realized he and I were never meant to be. In our case, the roles were reversed from yours. He was hoping I would want to re engage with him, he was looking for something we once had. But in the 20+ years since, we were no longer the same person we were then. And it was obvious to me. It was very clear that we were not meant to be.

    I would suggest you find closure. And instead of worry about what might have been, you focus on trying to figure out whom you are. Your only 37 and you have a lot left to live, try and do so being true to yourself.

    ---------- Post added 24th Mar 2017 at 08:11 PM ----------

    Btw, should have said "thought to reach out" in the first paragraph
     
  3. Euler

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    What a heartfelt story indeed. It was certainly not a boring story.

    I am a bit at loss what to say. You don't want to wreck a family and you don't want to be unhappy either. Like OnTheHighway said people change over time and it's unlikely that you and him are the same people who you were.

    If I were you I would go to talk to a therapist or councilor about this. Perhaps a more extensive review of your life might be beneficial. Take some time to process all of this and reflect your feelings. Ultimately only you can tell what you should do. Whatever you decide, don't do it without careful consideration.