Obsessing over potentially cheating on my boyfriend.

Hello dear ec community,

In a nutshell, I have been in a relationship for 6 months and although I adore my boyfriend, I feel I would cheat him at the first chance I get.

Long story, my boyfriend is a great guy, and I like him a lot. He knows how to have fun ,he is very interesting, he is smart, I laugh with his jokes. I am very glad I have met him and he has helped me a lot in my life. And although I feel he is a great guy and I respect him, when it comes to the sexual side of our relationship, I feel I am being crushed by my lack of experience. He is the first person I have been on a relationship with, had sex with, even kissed. He is my first guy in everything. I enjoy having sex with him, but I am thinking over and over again that he has been with other guys and I have not. That he has stories about exes and hookups to talk about and that I don't. That he can settle with me because he can say that I am a good guy compared to the other ones and I can't.

At the beginning of our relationship, I was very happy (although insecure too), and I would always have a positive perspective about him. But now, for some reason, I am losing interest, as if he is becoming just another guy and I am thinking of other guys more often, as when I hadn't met him yet. I am feeling that I am going to take advantage of what he has given me, experience, and move on to another guy. Find another guy, or have hookups, live my sexual fantasies with other people (mainly sex stuff, not finding a new relationship). Then again, I can tell that starting over is very very difficult (just finding him was super hard and just pure luck), that dumping someone just for sex is reckless and stupid, and he himself has said he wishes he hadn't been in so many relationship, that if he could, he would just end up straight in that one relationship that would last for long. I think about all these things and I feel like I am pushing myself to selfdestruction, that I will ruin my current relationship, only to realize how great it was and regret because I will never be able to return to it. But then I feel the urge to find other guys, to do something with someone else, as if my penis is taking over my brain. And I don't know what to do.

Sometimes I feel I have been intoxicated by porn. I feel I am just an immature, insensitive person who still doesn't understand what his own good is. My boyfriend left for the weekend and I started thinking if I will get a chance to do something with another guy. I feel like I want to experiment, but that would take time and energy, and would require for me to sacrifice this relationship. I am so frustrated, I don't know what to do. I have been thinking that I would like to kiss a girl (although I think I am 100% gay), or to have sex with more than one person. But even thinking of trying anything just damages my relationship.

I don't know what to do. I am not sure if I am losing interest in my boyfriend or if I just want to taste something to confirm that my boyfriend is great. I feel I am in such a great dilemma. My boyfriend says I love you, and I feel that I can't answer, that I am lying to him, that I am subconsciously plotting my escape and that I will soon become a pitiful cheater. And once I betray him, it will be too late... And there is nothing I can do to share this insecurity with him to go through it together...

If you have any advice, from your past experience or not, any wisdom to share, please do. :help:

P.S. I am also feeling very ashamed and uneasy because we have started having unprotected sex, and we both like it, but thinking how I may cheat on him (and to be honest I am starting to think that he might do something too because, well, stuff might happen). Cheating is one thing, playing with someone's health is another. And I feel very uncomfortable bringing the topic of protection up, because it may lead to a broader conversation that will include all the aforementioned.