Possible mutual crush between me & a friend

hey, first time poster here. i’ve been in a situation that’s been eating me alive for a while now and i’m in the closet, nobody knows about my sexuality so i really don’t have anybody to talk to when it comes to this particular situation. so i figured i’d turn to this forum, hopefully you all can give me some advice.

i’ll try to explain this the best that i can.

so, i make music. i first started putting music out when i was in high school (i’m 21 now) and there’s some other local creatives that have been making things since then as well. singers, rappers, photographers, designers, etc. and a lot of us are aware of each other and are cordial and supportive of each other, but not all of us are super close or anything like that. there’s a guy that designs and does photography, and we would talk here and there just about creative shit and music and design but nothing deep. so one day i’m deleting old embarrassing pictures off my instagram and as i was looking through my photos i noticed that he likes a lot of my photos, photos of me. after that i started to realize how often he interacts with me on social media. just subtle things. which i didn’t really think anything of, but it’s just some of the things that he would like that would be kind of suspect. so anyway, as i said he does design, and he designs clothes and has a little clothing line that he sells to people locally. i dm’d him on twitter one day and said i wanted to support and would buy one of the hats he had released. well that turned into us talking all day, and after that he would randomly message me, kind of reaching for reasons to talk to me it seemed. one day he asked me if i would model one of the shirts he was going to release and do a promo shoot. i agreed, i met up with him and a couple other people that were involved and we did the shoot, nothing flirtatious happened, this was the first time we hung in person and we weren’t alone so i couldn’t really read him like that. so about a month later we did a photoshoot for my music promo, we were meeting another photographer to do this but he came over first and i drove us there and he came back over for a bit after. he seemed pretty nervous, stuttering, shaky voice, wiping his palms on his pants a lot, being kind of fidgety. when he came over for a bit afterwards my parents and brother were gone, and i don’t know if i’m psyching myself out but i feel like i felt some sexual tension in the air. but, nobody made a move, we talked for a bit and he left. so things went on with these random reasons to start conversation here and there, and the constant social media stuff. really late and night, and really early in the morning he’ll like a hell of a lot of my stuff. it’s almost like he checks my page before he goes to sleep and when he wakes up. again, i could be psyching myself out. so anyway, we’ve almost hung out a couple more times but i couldn’t because i was busy. we’re both in college but the school i go to is far from our hometown while his is very close. so we could only hang when i’m in town. one day i had tweeted that i was in the area, he likes it and then texts me asking if i was in town and if i wanted to do anything. we spend the day texting about plans, and he was thinking about going to this place where i believe you make a painting with a partner or something. not really the kind of thing a straight guy asks his friend to do with him, and not on the first time they really hang alone. it just felt like he was asking me on a date rather than just to kick it like most guys would. we ended up ditching that idea and went bowling. so i picked up him up, the whole time i was driving i could see him looking at me a lot out the corner of my eye. the first bowling place we went to was way overpriced so we said fuck that and just walked around the area we were in at the moment and talked, we really couldn’t find anything to do so for a long time the night was just us either driving or walking around aimlessly and talking. and we weren’t doing anything in but we were definitely having fun enjoying each other’s company. we really have so much in common it’s crazy. when we talk he does keep eye contact pretty much the whole time. but i’m SO bad with eye contact in any situation that i cannot do the same back to him, plus he already kind of makes me nervous so it’s really bad. i’ve heard a lot about people’s eyes being the key to finding out if they’re attracted to you. but anyway, we ended up bowling somewhere else. i got a drink at the bowling alley hoping maybe i would loosen up some and be able to look him in the eyes longer lol. so i eased up a little, but still not enough as i wanted to. we played a couple games and joked around, once again there seemed to be a little sexual tension. it just felt like i was with somebody i liked and that the feeling was mutual. when i dropped him off he told me it was great getting to spend time with me and for me to let him know next time i’m in town. which again, doesn’t seem like something a straight guy would say to another straight guy, at least none of my straight friends would say this to me lol. as i stated before, i get nervous around him. i’ve definitely begun to crush on him, partly because i feel like he’s been trying to send me signals. but i don’t know if i’m overthinking it, or if the fact that i’m crushing is causing me to look at things in ways that they aren’t. i would love to just straight up ask him but i don’t want to potentially ruin our friendship. because at the end of the he’s a super cool guy and we have so much in common. i wouldn’t want to lose him as a friend. but it’s just eating me up not being able to tell what his intentions are. i do know for a fact that he has no issue with gay people. he’s a VERY attractive guy but i’ve never seen him being romantically involved with any female. we’ve also never talked about females at any point, it’s almost like it’s being avoided i don’t know. but anyway, does it seem like he may like me? the story doesn’t really do this situation justice, i’m really good at reading people and i swear this guy just gives me a vibe i’ve never felt from another guy before. is there any kind of normal way to either ask him how he feels about me or for me to tell him how i feel about him? without it being awkward as hell. i really can’t continue to wonder “what if” cause it’s honestly starting to drive me crazy. we’ve only hung out a few times so i kind of feel like i should just hang with him a few more times and feel things out some more.

sorry for this long ass post btw.

 

i do fear that i'm just reading normal actions the wrong way because i'm crushing on him. but honestly we've known of each other for some years now and i never paid any kind of attention to him until i started getting vibes that maybe he was interested in me. and then my crush for him grew from there. so i kind of got this idea from him before i even started liking him so i feel like i may not be looking at this wrong because i'm crushing but who knows.

when he asked to hang out just me and him, and we finally figured the plans out i almost jokingly texted back "it's a date!" just to see what he would say. but i didn't do it. it certainly felt like a date though. like i said, we've only hung out a few times and we really have to go out of our way to hang out. we're from in the same city but it's a pretty long drive from his place to mine, and we're both in colleges hours away from each other, i can only hang when i'm in town. usually i'll link up with some of my old friends from high school, and it kind of makes sense for us to go to great lengths to see each other because we grew up together and don't get to hang as much. but me and this guy's friendship is just starting to come about, it's just odd to me that somebody that's technically just an acquaintance asks me to hang out and makes time for us to do so. you know? we went to different high schools, he told me himself the first time that he came over that he had never been to the side of town that i live on and he doesn't know his way around the area at all. we don't have that many mutual friends. we don't know THAT much about each other. when we hang out we usually just spend hours talking and getting to know each other. most guys don't go to great lengths to connect with another guy that don't know much about. there's just kind of no reason for us to be trying to be acquainted with each other the way that we are. that's part of what makes me feel like there's something there.

and as far as eye contact, the few times i was actually able to hold the eye contact he never looked away. and even when i do look away, or sometimes when i was never looking at all i can see that he never stops looking at me. and as far as smiling, i got a strike one time, i turned around and looked at him and smiled and once we locked eyes he just started cheesing, one of those smiles that he couldn't hold back, i almost feel like his facial expression slipped out without his control. i can't explain it, but the way he was looking/smiling at me was more than just regular to me, but who knows.

and i do feel like it's a little too early in our friendship for me to come out to him, he might be weirded out by that.

 

if i do find out that he likes me i would definitely take things further. if he is into guys he's in the closet as well, so i guess he'd be down to sneak around. which i can see becoming exhausting after a while. but i think i would enjoy the thrill of it all. i think if we were to date it would be pretty liberating. i've never been in an actual relationship with a guy but he's definitely boyfriend material lol.

but yeah, he doesn't have an issue with LGBTQ. i know for a fact that one of his friends is openly gay. i just think he would find it odd that i would confess something so serious to him when we've only hung out like 3 times. i haven't even told my closest of friends, or my family. i feel like it would definitely confuse him to some extent.

i do trust that he would keep it a secret, he's a very nice person and i can't imagine him putting me out there like that and telling people about it. i just don't want to do too much too soon and scare him away. one time i was crushing on a girl in my class in high school, i could tell she liked me back, i could have just told her straight up in the beginning, but it was like a 5 month process of feeling each other out until we admitted we liked each other, and it was worth the wait rather than rushing into it. but since this is a same sex thing going on, i feel like me and this guy are more likely to hold back the way we feel so that it's not so obvious. for all i know he's thinking the same things i am and holds back so i don't think he's weird lol. and i'm doing the same towards him. we could both be missing out on something here.

 

i'm just afraid of us both being so scared to come forward that our feelings are never discussed, if he does like me that is. but i could see how he would be afraid to tell me if he does. i'm not out, i'm a masculine guy, and unless he can read my nervousness i don't think i've done THAT much to hint to him that i like him. but even without me doing anything there's just this feeling in the air when we're together. i don't know how to explain it. when we talk sometimes i notice halfway through the convo that we're really close to each other physically. one time we were sitting down across from each other and i realized mid convo that we were so close that our legs were almost touching, and we kinda seemed to be leaning forward. during this conversation is when i was able to hold eye contact with him without being too nervous. i had just finished a drink and it calmed my nerves some. and there's times he would come up and say something to me and we would be standing so close to each other you would think we were trying to be quiet and were whispering or something. i've read that that is a sign. this is something we did subconsciously too, cause i honestly didn't notice how close we were at first.

but i don't really know what to do going forward, i'm thinking maybe i'll just be way more flirty next time we hang out. i'm going to really try to bring myself to return all that eye contact that he gives me. i'm hoping that maybe one day the sexual tension will build so much that it can't really be ignored anymore. i do feel like i may end up being the one to confess their feelings though. i can see him being far more intimidated by my potential reaction. i just hope that if he likes me and was trying to tell me last time, that he didn't get the idea that i'm not interested because of my lack of eye contact and overall awkwardness. it's funny though because i can be a very funny, social, and animated person but he just makes me nervous as hell.

 

yeah i was thinking about doing the leg thing next time we hang out to see what he does. i think i'm going to ask him if he wants to go to the movies next time we hang, good opportunity to try that out.

and thank you!

 

yeah i was thinking about doing that. he actually complimented my hair last time we hung out lol. i said that i kinda want to dye my hair very dark navy blue on twitter a long time ago. and he brought it up and said that i should do it, and i was saying that i'm not sure if i could pull it off and he said he thinks it would look good. he also said he likes my haircut. nothing crazy, but it's something lol.

 

took that advice and texted him today and we talked for some hours, i stopped texting back tho haha. i don't want to come off as annoying or desperate.

and as far as asking him about who he's dating, i do know that he's single. it's strange because pretty much for as long as i've known him i've never seen him in a relationship. and it's weird because he's a very attractive guy. regardless of what he's into i'm sure he could get whoever it is that he wants.

but what is interesting is that in all of our conversations, we've been very neutral about what words we use when talking about relationships and stuff. we've never really talked about girls, when we do talk about these kind of things neither of us have specified what we're interested in. so who knows. i'm purposely not saying anything that sounds too hetero just in case he is interested, i don't want to give him the impression that i would rule out a same sex relationship. i don't know if he's purposely avoiding "hetero" talk too or if it's just a coincidence.

 

yeah we're definitely still in the beginning stages of our friendship, which is why i think he may find it weird if i were to come out to him. i'm not out and he knows that, i'm sure he would question why i'm telling him when there's people i'm closer to. i do know that he's single tho. so i don't know how to really ask, me and him both already know the answer to that question.

 

yeah for sure, on social media i'm frequently speaking out on equality for people of color, women, lgbtq, etc.

so i've voiced my support of the lgbtq community and he knows that.

one of the main things that kind of got us talking regularly was our mutual love for frank ocean, he's my favorite artist and we're both huge fans. frank is an openly bisexual singer/rapper if you didn't know.

so yeah he's fully aware that i'm lgbtq friendly

---------- Post added 8th Apr 2017 at 02:37 PM ----------

yeah i guess i could ask, next time we talk about that kinda stuff i'll ask him if he's seeing anybody. i'm going to try to be more obvious about my attraction to him as well.

but you're right, it would suck to drag this thing on and continue to get closer to him while feeling like he likes me only to find out i was wrong the whole time. i'm hoping that's not the case.