Hi guys, I have not had many boyfriends. I'd say about 4 in total. I'm 23, and I'm gay, and I seem to struggle with maintaining relationships. I enjoy being single to an extent but in reality im deeply lonely. I've been exploring my sexuality in waves, and like the idea of having variety rather than settling down too early with "the one" in a relationship. My mother would describe my escapades as promiscuous, (not that she knows, just the evidence of seeing me return home). I use Apps like ******, *****, and meet guys in clubs and other gay venues. The idea of a relationship seems wonderful to me. I genuinely would like to be more capable of being in one currently but it seems I'm a walking disaster at them. I suffer from Bipolar disorder, I'm extremley resistant to control or boundaries, rebellious basically, Im addicted to weed and party a lot, and I can admittedly be quite cold and selfish especially on the other partner in previous relationships. I am on a lot of medication and my words and actions can be questionable at times, i know. I have self confidence issues, my life isn't together and I don't have my shit sorted out. Whilst these are all negatives, I am a nice guy and enter into any relationships with intentions of them working out. I feel like I need to have a big story of excuses for the guy, excuses as to why some of my behaviours are odd, or being trouble in general and needing to explain myself. I bring more damage and hastle I think. the other guy needs to "put up with me". I know i'm being harsh on myself, I'm also being realistic. I've had problems in the past, e.g. my last guy, who I was absolutely horrible and nasty too. I lead him on basically after meeting him off ******, he wanted the full relationship deal but couldn't really express it, he was jealous and I think I admired the attention I got off him, but I wasn't really interested in him. Couldn't bring myself to cut it off with him for a good while, and he was very sensible compared to me. We met and he basically didn't meet the expectations I had of him in my head before meeting. I remember one day actually ditching him on purpose to meet my family and actually got a bit of a kick off seeing him get angry and jealous. It annoys me that I felt this way but I accept I have a dark streak. My friends have agreed that I say i want a bf then when i get one i want rid of them. I know this is the old psychology of wanting what we can't have and loosing interest slightly after gaining it and going "next". When I have guys about, unless i really like them, I want them to leave usually. with that previous guy, i used to just sit and smoke pipe after pipe because i was so irritated being in his company. we had little in common, and my moods went down trying to hint at him constantly to leave mine. When we went out I was just taking drugs (by myself) and then going back to mine. I would rarely text him, and one day he actually counted the days and i went two weeks without texting him. this is most likely notoriously due to the weed, because i see it every single week of my life, my antisocialness towards friends from putting off talking to them. very soon i'll find myself all alone, i know this) I suffer from insomnia because of my Bipolar so, at nights (especially in a relationship setting when im sitting in bed chatting to the guy before sleeping) i feel really happy usually, almost normal and settled , in bed with some hot guy, i feel too stimulated and upbeat to even think about sleeping, this always leaves me rolling around while the other guy is fast asleep. I then overheat, or get a constant boner because my sex drive is high, especially when im mildly euphoric. It's horrible, and makes me want to leave. i feel embarrassed having "fake slept" a whole night. This is usually something i need to explain to the guy and makes me look like an emotional basket of mayhem. I also really need some space. For my sanity. I've suffered a lot of bullying before and I find people in general just hard to deal with. I put on a brave face for the public then take it off when i go home, a more depressed, tired me. It's like my way of recharging my batteries. Unless it was someone i deeply felt close to, I would find it hard living with someone like a partner. I think I would be locking myself away pretending I wasn't in, and different things like that just on days were I don't want to see the world, partner included. I would always have to put on that mask whilst being around another person all the time. that public face. so these are all requirements for me basically if i am to ever have a happy relationship. I feel like i would be the guy asking the other guy if we could have two double separate beds but still sleep in the same room as an option to my insomnia issue, for flip sake. I hate disclosing my Bipolar diagnosis too, but eventually it comes up. I love partying so I think that guy either needs to accept i do it and be okay with it or partake in it himself for it to work. I work in the music business. so it goes with the job. Yes i think i need to sort my shit out before I'm ready to get into a relationship. At the minute I want to get into better shape anyway, so I'm off ****** etc, and can't be bothered perusing guys right now. but i'm building myself up physically and mentally. any advice on wether you think im ready for one or how to go about my situation? thanks
