Hi this is a lot of things just in the past 6 months, and there's really not anything I can do right now but I just need someone to talk to. I moved 6 months ago to where my dad was at in Hawaii. I didn't tell my mother that the reason I took his offer and left the area was because I was sick of the homophobia of my family and family friends, but that was the reason. She didn't know what was going on in my heart every time she would talk about "the gays". So I decided I would move, I told my mom 3 days before I left. I didn't think it would be healthy to come out to her until I could become more okay with who I was with being a lesbian thrown in. My mother and I had always had a good relationship throughout high school, mostly because we shared our religion in a time of hurt and recovery from a very nasty divorce when I was 13. But as I got older and started to realize I was in love with my best friend of 7 years, it became harder to talk to her. I would still talk to her about religious things that were small, because that was the only thing we ever discussed but I was virtually alone when it came to the things that really mattered to me. I didn't want to hurt her anymore than we had already been hurt because I knew it would break her heart if she found out I was a lesbian. When I mentioned being a nun in a final act of desperation to be "holy", everything changed. She was supporting something that deep down we both knew was not good for me. After I visited the convent that turned me away my life kind of started to fall apart. I couldn't deny that I loved my best friend anymore. I couldn't deny that it no longer gave me any peace to attend services. I had been relying on being a nun because I had been told that I couldn't make it on my own. And after a failing quarter in college due to depression over being lgbt and feeling alone, I started to believe them. So I did something crazy. In one week I packed my things and moved to Maui. My father let me come rent from him and I found 2 jobs shortly after I got there. I took care of myself while I was there, I paid the bills on time and even early every month, I was physically healthy (eating and exercising) and mentally strong for the first time in many years. But things were still not perfect. A month after I moved, my father up and left me in the middle of the ocean by myself with no one I knew. I heard it second hand that he was leaving to Alaska from a drunk friend of his. My father had told me that he would be working around the islands and that I would have him around if anything happened. That obviously wasn't the case anymore. He was in the middle of starting his third divorce process that I tried not to get involved with but things were not adding up. He would say one thing and a few weeks later say something completely different. He kept asking if I had paid rent into the account yet because he needed money for something and he would pay it back into the account. The last straw was when he came to visit and the same friend who had told me he was moving to Alaska, told me that when he got back my father was going to kick me out of the house so he and his new lady could live there. I had been debating on whether to move back to Washington because I had just heard my grandfather had cancer. My father had already said I shouldn't visit my grandfather. My father and grandfather don't get along because my grandfather called him out on his unfaithfulness to my mother. So I called a family friend to get some advice and I opened a whole can of worms. When we had met up with the family friend a few months before, my father had tried to come onto her even though he was still "trying" to divorce his wife. After she politely refused he scared her half to death by meeting up with her friend at a hotel and staying out all night instead of going to the store like he had said. When he didn't message her for hours she was worried he had gotten into a car accident or something. In the city you can't just check into a hotel so she thought the worst. I would find out later that he decided to refuse to pay for my step mother's visit to her dying father and instead had been paying for a bunch of fun times in Vegas with his new girlfriend. He also lied saying he needed to get his car back from my step mom and hung out with the new girlfriend instead of visiting my siblings. So I moved back and stopped talking to him. I was still in shock of what happened especially with the fear of being homeless still weighing on my mind. I started trying to make things work with my mom but as soon as I got back the first conversation we had was about gay aids, hell, and loose butts. My brother had publicly come out as gay on Facebook just a few months before and I got to hear everything my mom had been talking to him about. I was in shock. I had thought my mother would be worried and might be confused but the fear tactics were not something I was expecting. So I tried to help my brother soften her up without saying anything about myself. But when she thought something was up, (my brother and I were talking in secret about my coming out) she went through my stuff and found a letter addressed to my father and read it without my permission. In it I had graciously told my father exactly where he could go with his crap and that if he tried to use the religious guilt trip with me it wouldn't work because I was just a "angry pagan lesbian" My mom started on the hell talk with me too. When she found out that my brother had decided to try different faiths to find one that suited him, and that I knew about it she threatened to throw us both out of the house. Now I'm staying with my grandparents and trying to help her while trying to find a job and get a new car (mine died) and all I can think of is the overwhelming terror of being homeless. The fact that they might find out is slowly killing me. I'm either not eating or eating too much, I can't help the thoughts of suicide that pop up. I'm so frightened and hopeless about the situation. I never wanted to hurt anyone, that's why I left. It's killing me that my family is the type that would do this to me, we used to be so close. I feel betrayed and broken and now I'm stuck again and I have no where else to go.
