First, I wish to apologize if this is posted in the wrong forum. I thought this sounded the most appropriate though. If it's the wrong forum, hopefully someone can move it. I already apologize if I'm wrong in here. I didn't mean to. I met my current partner a few years ago on a forum where we were writing together. We started out as simple writing partners in a story, and at that point I was not aware of his genderfluidity (not that it would have made a difference). As it is, we meshed well together, and within some time, things bloomed a little. Attraction grew, and, seeing how I am Bi, it wasn't much of an issue either. He came out to me as physically female a while into us being close friends, but it didn't really change anything, since I've had learned to love his mind a long time before anything else. We are on two different continents, so it was always a little bit difficult, but I am working from home, so we had a lot of time to spend with each other, thanks to the messageboards and skype and messengers and what have you. He explained at that time the issues he had with himself, and how disconnected he felt from his own body. Most of all his sex and chest, of which he hated the second most of all. I went on a googlespree, and found some information about third genders and genderfluidity, and we poured over the articles together and talked about what it could be he is experiencing. Mentally he was very much male, and that was never a problem for me. I know that when others address him as female, since they don't know he is gender-fluid with a preference for the male, I tend to end up slightly confused, because I don't refer to him that way, so I always wonder "who are they talking about?" Anyway, we read a lot. Checked websites, tried to incorporate things into our relationship. It was sometimes difficult, and it was hardest most for my partner, because of the distance along with the genderfludity still providing issues for him. Knowing that he is genderfluid, after we had found the term and the explanations for it, seemed to put him at some measure of ease, and with time he started to seem to enjoy both facets of his personality and body. It even seemed like, while he did still not care for his chest, he did not hate it anymore. He seemed to tolerate it, especially after getting some piercings, to make this part of his truly -his-. For a time it seemed he had found some equilibrium. We managed to meet a few times, spending several weeks each time together, which (sorry for this) also involved sex, of course. We had a few problems, but it wasn't really related to his body in any way (I tend to be an emotionally distant person, while he is emotionally expressive). A short time before that, we even talked about a potential transition from physically female to male, but while he still disliked his chest, he did not really feel like wanting to change his body beyond what would be possible there, so transition was not really on the table. About two weeks ago things came crashing down hard. My partner, who also suffers from depression, had a hard break down, in which he declared that he hated his female body. It was quite an explosive thing, very powerful, painful, and with a lot of feelings spilling out and into the open, mostly about himself, and how much he loathed his body. Unfortunately, having thought that he had grown comfortable with his current form, even if not his breasts, I had allowed myself to be physically attracted to his female shape, just as I was to his male mind (we love the same movies, we watch the same tv shows. We are super-compatible in the mental way of it, and even after like 7 years, we never run out of things to talk.) His explosion had taken me off guard, and I felt horrible for being attracted and aroused at his female form, which made me feel pretty damn gross inside about myself. It also upset him quite a bit. He always held a love for the way traps look, which, to him, is the ultimate expression of how he wished to feel about himself. Like a pretty male. Which is understandable, since, even saddled with his female form, he had always enjoyed to look pretty, even if it was in his "disguise gender", so to speak. I realized that his genderfluidity, while existent, is far more tilted towards the masculine side than I had estimated, for which I have no one to blame but myself, really. I should have asked more questions and be more careful, instead of to assume he had grown comfortable with the situation. That is on me. He demanded that I can be attracted to him, but physically I should only be attracted to the masculine parts of his. That gave me some trouble, because physically he is anything but masculine. I apologized that I was attracted to his feminine parts, and that they aroused me, and that I felt bad for it, since he hates himself so much, but that I cannot just turn a switch in my head that makes me perceive the feminine form of his as masculine. It just doesn't work that way. I cannot look at breasts, hips, female sex, and see them in my mind suddenly as male. I feel horrible for that, but I don't know what to do there. I explained I needed a little bit of time to mull it all over, to try and get this through my skull, and to try and see what I can do, because I still love him, after all. He explained to me, that he wanted to buy a prosthetic penis. There is a website where people can buy that. Something to help with his need for a masculine sexual organ. He asked if I would have a problem with that, and I told him that I wouldn't. I wouldn't mind him wearing that, if it makes him feel more masculine. He asked that I should then treat it as if it was a real piece of his body, not just a prop, which I once again said I wouldn't have a problem with. (He doesn't want to use it on me, but he wants me to touch it and stroke it as if it's real) His mind has always been male to me anyway, and I've been with men before, so this doesn't even seem weird to me, honestly. There are also certain words he requested me to not use anymore in regards to his body. Mostly words that pertain to description of the female anatomy, i.e. breasts, vagina, and so on. Instead he asks that I should use male versions of it instead. I told him again I don't really mind, and I would be ok with using these terms instead. Unfortunately, and that is why I am here, this is not the end of it. While my partner wants these things, the prosthetic to wear, the change of words for parts of his body, he cannot help himself actually feeling "silly" over it, and worries that I would find it stupid (I do not). It makes him immensely self-conscious, to the point where sexual contact between us has literally died. Going as far as flirting is already enough to make him lock up, and turn ice-cold on me. He says he wants to flirt, he wants to be playful again, but he cannot. He says he feels embarrassed about himself, and even pointing out that I will not mind these changes, or the fact that we've been intimate plenty of times before is not able to change his mind. He feels awful over it, but he doesn't know what to do about it. He asked me to keep trying to flirt and be teasing and such with him, but any and all sexuality dies pretty much within the first seconds of me trying anything. I suggested that he may seek professional help, but he had been with a psychologist before for a few months, and feels like they have done all they could, and will not be able to help him any more, no matter how much I try to urge him into letting someone look into it. It also does not help that he does not have insurance coverage for that anymore, like he did a few years ago. My partner says he feels very self-conscious nowadays, and about how he wants to be perceived by others. He feels that his body is ruining everything for him, and I try to tell him that he is not at fault for how he is born. He says he just does not feel sexy at all anymore with this body of his, and that he does not feel right. That his body does not feel right. I am not sure what to do here. Currently we are on two different continents again, and we only have contact via skype, which we pretty much run all day long, talking back and forth in breaks and such. We still talk, we still have a connection of some kind, but it seems his anger at himself is increasing, and I'm hugely worried at this point. I need help from those who have gone through something similar. I don't know what to do. If you have any suggestion, anything, please, let me know... PS. I apologize for any mistakes in grammar, etc, English isn't my first language. I also apologize for any other mistakes I may have made with the descriptions of sexuality and gender identity. I am frazzled right now.
