"I'm covering my ears like a kid, when your words mean nothing I go La La La. I'm turning up the volume when you speak, cause if my heart can't stop it, I'll find a way to block it." ___________ It's me again... Idk if this is actually helping but I am not doing other more unhealthy things than telling the internet my life story. So I guess it counts for something. It hurts to see mom honestly. All I see her doing is hovering making sure I don't do something terrible to her children. Her new thing is that gay people are every type of sexual and character deviant. "You know that gay men like to 'pick up' boys?" She basically accused me of an inappropriate relationship with my brother because we cuddle (which we've done since we were very small), and I talk more to him than I do to her. Which at this point with her comments is not at all surprising, besides the fact that none of this is new. Both of us are gay, it's no wonder we would cling to each other in an environment like the one we were raised in. I also think she's butthurt that my brother doesn't want her to touch him. But she wonders why? Have you ever had to hug someone who hurts you constantly whether emotionally like my mom or physically? It's the worst thing I can think of. Also side note: I have no idea what made her take advice from my emotionally crippled uncle and ask if he thought our relationship is weird when he gets onto his wife for not being cheerful enough when she's depressed, even though he does shit and gets to hang out at the house not looking for a job and getting fatter and not dealing with his health problems making my aunt worry he's going to die in his sleep and causing my aunt's depression. As my friend so perfectly stated, "Didn't this whole thing (her problem) start with you guys both being gay? Now she thinks what? That makes no sense, you are both GAY. And you have always been close?" All I can figure is she did it to scare me into starting to talk to her, since she said this only after I told her I didn't want to talk to her about the letter she read without my permission. Cause that's the proper way to get your daughter to talk to you. :bang: TBH every time I see her I subconsciously put something between us, a table, a chair, a pillow. I don't trust her, I've never been so terrified of someone, not even my father who was emotionally abusive for years as opposed to my mother's one year. No one has had more opportunity to hurt me and willfully and purposely done it. My dad accusing me of being manipulative is no where as destructive as her saying that I am anything like my uncle who molested a girl. (who isn't gay so her point is moot anyway) I've never been so close to hating her. And it's killing me. She's my mom. And yet she is no family to me. She can tell I don't want anything from her, every time we interact I make it very clear that I won't talk to her more than necessary. I don't want her to give me money for clothes, I don't want to owe that woman anything. And I feel horrible every time I think of the possibly of her hating me. I am just trying to disassociate long enough to breathe and move as far away as possible. As for my grandmother, more than anything she does that thing where its oh sweetie I know you're "struggling" with church right now but don't be angry at god cause it's not his fault about anything bad. I just sit there. That's not why I'm acting the way I am and avoiding church. I could care less about the invisible man in the sky, I care about how the people here on earth who are supposedly his chosen ones are treating me. The latest thing is my grandma wants to know if I talked to mother mary about something she supposedly told grandma about me. I just want to roll my eyes. How do I even answer that? Yes gma I totally talked to the invisible woman who lives in my room...about something she told you about me. Which is totally true and not just whatever you wanted to talk to me about. It's so ridiculous. I'm not looking forward to the thing where she uses my problems to feed her ego. No you don't magically know what's going on in my head, if you guess bits of it its because my face is an open book and I wear my heart on my sleeve. This proves nothing except you can read faces and use psychology to guilt people into religion. And there are so many more important, and real things I need to deal with right now. I am trying to deal with the fear of grandpa dying which I never got to deal with (he's doing better), the loss of the illusion of family, my PTSD like symptoms every time someone makes a mention about me that could be a threat of homelessness and the fact that either no one believes I can figure stuff out, or they give me no ability to try. Maybe I'll find my way back to a religion some day, but it'll be a healthy one if I decide to do that again. I've done enough of the self-hate-earn-your-way-to-heaven-way.
