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I've Given Up on Finding Love. How Do I Move On with My Life?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Tlarkul, Apr 13, 2017.

  1. Tlarkul

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    I know it's been a very long time since I've last logged on, but I can't think of anywhere else to ask for advice.

    So here's the short version of my problem:
    After trying my hand at online dating, and having every attempt fail miserably, I've come to the realization that I'm not boyfriend material to anyone and that I'm prone to making the same mistakes my mother makes when she dated. As such, I've decided to stop searching for Mr. Right altogether and live my life with defeatist solitude. The problem is, some part of me doesn't want to give up on looking for romance, and it's making me miserable. Does anyone have advice on letting that part of me go so that I can move on with my life?

    Long version (feel free to skip over):
    At the beginning of 2016, I had a resolution to get a boyfriend. The problem is, I'm autistic, and I have a great deal of shyness (bordering on social anxiety), so going out to clubs was a huge no for me. I decided to try online dating, since I figured that would be my best option. I initially thought it was going well, albeit I had to sort through people to find someone I could "click" with.

    My first approach was to be honest about myself, and state upfront that I am autistic. That didn't pan out well as one can imagine, especially how poorly informed people are about Autism Spectrum Disorder in general. The next approach I took was to try to construct a careful image of myself, by not mentioning anything about being autistic and leaving out some of my interests so as to have something to talk about. Even then, I would barely get anything beyond "hi."

    Throughout this misadventure, I did manage to meet some people face to face... once each. I've had two guys I video called, a couple guys I texted with, four meetings in person, and one guy who I IM'd quite a bit. The results were as follows:

    1) The first guy who video called seemed to be passionate to meet me, but I wasn't with him; I only IM'd him twice at most. I turned him down because I couldn't feel anything for him at the slightest; nothing really "clicked" in me.

    2) The other guy I video chatted seemed to have less interest in me romantically. He stopped chatting eventually.

    3) The first guy I texted with was interesting to me, and I think he initially was interested in me. He eventually stopped responding to my texts.

    4) The other guy I texted with was one of the people I met in person. After drinking some coffee and talking about knitting, I ended things with him since a few red flags rose with me that indicated we would not be compatible.

    5) The second guy I met in person seemed nice and intelligent, but he told me he wasn't ready to date to begin with, even though according to him I was doing everything right.

    6) The third guy I met in person was intelligent too, and he was passionate about video games as much as I was, but he said nothing clicked with him. It hurt, but I understood.

    7) The last guy I met in person catfished me; his profile picture wasn't of him at all. I stopped talking to him on the basis that I do NOT want to be with an outright liar.

    8) The guy I never met in person but "clicked" while IMing with him is pretty much what inspired me to write this post. It seemed like we had a great deal in common and that we could go well together, but then he suddenly said that he wanted to stay single for a while. I respected this for about a month or two (I left him an open door, saying that I would be there if he wanted to start dating again), but then I screwed it up by asking him once if we could start over from the beginning. He said "I'm sorry." After several months of waiting for any further response from him (Italied to other guys during that time), I saw that he was perfectly content being single. As of yesterday, I deleted him from my contacts, realizing that it was a waste of my time talking to him, it was a waste of time waiting, and it will be a waste just to think about him. I wish I could say I was relieved to have done so, but I fear that would be hyperbole.

    Upon reflection of my dating life since that New Years resolution, I realized I was close to making the same pitfalls as my mother, mainly in trying to please other people by not being myself. The only saving grace is that I never really wore rose tinted goggles (guy #8 above was the closest that happened). Sure, I've been told by relatives and other people that I'm polite and caring, but that is just my persona; it's only one facet of my whole self, along with my own vices and pitfalls few people know about. It's because of my flaws and weaknesses that I ask myself what I have to offer with my company, if I do have anything to offer that's worthwhile at all. And having seen the shallowness of the gay dating scene I have experienced, I realize that I too am shallow; I'm probably asking for too much while offering too little. With that, I vowed never to pursue any romantic interest again.

    Even with that vow, there is something inside me that still wants the romantic magic I've read others have experienced; the joy of holding hands, the embrace of a hug, the connection with the other that flutters the heart. Reading or seeing these depictions of love in ways that are not overly sentimental or saccharine fills me with envy; even given how relationships take lots of work, these golden moments must still be worth it, even if it exceeds the basic social interaction necessary to survive. Of course, these people must have incredible luck to have it, since I certainly don't, and I doubt I ever will.

    Why is it that despite these failures in my romantic life, there is still some part of me that wants to experience romantic bliss? What must I do to remind myself that this hope for a fulfilling relationship is all in vain, especially given how I made a vow to myself to never pursue a romantic relationship? If I can get advice along those lines, I hope to be able to move on with my life, and focus on prioritizing more important things like work and self improvement.
     
  2. OnTheHighway

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    Believe it or not, your actually doing what your supposed to be doing and making great progress! You know that saying - one needs to kiss a lot of frogs to find the prince. Well, your doing it!

    You have had good contacts since last years resolution, even if they have not gone anywhere. Keep it up! It's all about the numbers. The more people you meet, the better the odds. But you need to keep meeting people.

    Also, try to expand beyond online if possible. Consider getting involved in other organizations that would give you an opportunity to meet other LGBT. Charities, social groups, athletic leagues, and even non LGBT groups where others congregate. Everyone starts out being shy, and everyone has some type of "history". Don't let your shyness nor your autism stop you!

    Finding that right someone takes time and patience. And you have plenty of time to keep at it.

    Also, while keeping your autism to yourself makes sense on your profile and in the early stages of meeting someone (as anyone with any history would do; including myself with my own personal baggage), you should reflect more about your interests and likes on your profiles. The more you actually say about yourself, the better chance of finding a compatible person.
     
    #2 OnTheHighway, Apr 13, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 13, 2017
  3. CameOutSwinging

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    I think the truth is we've all been there. This isn't actually a unique experience that you're having. And it isn't just gay dating versus straight dating. It is dating, period. I could outline the last year or so of dating that I've done and have it sound pretty bad too. There's been guys I've liked who didn't want to go out more than once. And there's been guys who were eager to be my boyfriend and I just wasn't feeling it. And everything else in between. And I get frustrated plenty and say that I'm going to stop dating too. But then I talk to someone and decide I'll give them a shot, because if you're not putting yourself out there, then you'll never meet anybody. And I am not autistic or anything. I'm short, I think that scares some people off, haha. But seriously, you're just experiencing what dating is like. Don't give up and vow a life of never being in a romantic relationship. Don't shut yourself off and build a wall that impenetrable. Slow down on dating if you want, take a break even, but don't vow something forever.

    How do you feel about yourself? Do you love yourself? Would you date you? Maybe that is a place to start. :slight_smile:
     
  4. FluffyLightFox

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    I'm gonna contradict everyone.
    Don't. Date. Period.
    I'd say (and keep in mind my experience, despite not being null, is smaller than yours) that if you don't want to date any more, don't. Rest. Focus on other things so that the small part of you that regrets not dating won't bother your so much. If dating is making you feel bad, desperate, if you don't feel like you're worth dating, then stop, work on it, do something else, and, maybe, when things are better, go on later from where you left. That's how I've been thinking about dating (online but in general as well) recently (for more complex reasons), and I haven't been told it's a bad move.

    But the part of you that still wants to date will probably be somewhat annoying and frustrating you. I know that. So, be sure to not think about it a lot. Keep yourself busy (you seem to like games a lot, so, that's one way) and distracted.
    And with that I think that's all I've got..
    (Also, opinion : you shouldn't wish for things which are that hard to get. Desperate hope is a poison. Wish for stuff you can actually hope to get without messing yourself up. And that applies to all of us.)
     
  5. Tlarkul

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    Thank you for the responses, everyone. However, I can't help but feel I might not have gotten my point across well enough, so I will respond to each individual response.

    To OnTheHighway:

    I appreciate your encouragement in regards to putting myself out there more, but perhaps I should explain why I am hesitant to do things in real life. In addition to being autistic, I also have a good deal of social anxiety. Not crippling enough so that I don't go to class or go grocery shopping, but strong enough to make me afraid of answering phone calls. On top of that, I struggle to carry on a conversation, let alone flirt; where I could write entire paragraphs on an online forum, I can barely utter more than a few words to form a sentence when I speak.

    In addition, given how even platonic interactions can take a good deal of energy out of me, I find trying to interact with multiple people in double digits at once to be utterly exhausting. At best, I find it all to be a lot of work for no pay off; as such, I would rather spend my time and energy elsewhere.

    To CameOutSwinging:

    I guess you're right about my dating experiences not being unique. Even given that, the last paragraph above still applies. I'm still going to be open to friendship, just not love; I'm done with being an active seeker. To answer your questions in your last paragraph, 1) I always question my self-worth, though I can't remember how long I've been like this. 2) I feel I've done too many things I regret in life to even consider practicing self-love, and I certainly don't feel like I deserve to forgive myself for anything. 3) I don't think I'm worthy of dating anyway; if what I remember correctly, loneliness is the result of not enjoying one's own company, and that finding someone to fill in the void is a bad idea. I greatly dislike my own company, and chances are I always will.

    To FluffyLightFox:

    You are the closest to understanding what I mean, and I have put some of your advice to practice already (I've vowed to stop dating, and I always find some way to distract myself). My problem arises when distracting myself stops working, and these feelings of loneliness overpower me to the point where I cry myself to sleep. What I'm looking for is a more long term solution that isn't a lobotomy.
     
  6. CameOutSwinging

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    Thanks for answering my questions.

    So, I now agree with you. I think you should stop dating. It isn't a bad thing (my therapist has told me at points that I should consider not dating for awhile). But I suggest this because of everything you just said above. You aren't going to ever meet somebody who you enjoy dating because you don't think you deserve to. Because you don't even like yourself and you likely give off a vibe that tells other people that they shouldn't like you either.

    Do you see a therapist? I really think you need to work through everything you just said. Me telling you that you do deserve self love and that you shouldn't regret mistakes you've made won't be enough, because you have to believe it first to make it happen. Trust me, I've been there with both things. I've made plenty of poor choices in life and frankly could have given up a long time ago on everything. I also constantly blame myself for everything that goes wrong in my life. But it's not that simple and it's taken therapy to help me even start to scratch the surface of getting past that.

    How do you become okay with being single? You love yourself. You won't care if you're not in a relationship if you love yourself. And distractions won't work all the time. This is a much deeper issue that you really should tackle.
     
    #6 CameOutSwinging, Apr 14, 2017
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2017
  7. FluffyLightFox

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    There is nothing I can add. I have no advice. I, too, often feel desperate because I'm in a position where I can't find anyone. My tendency to always do something (whatever it is, coding, drawing, browsing the web, playing an instrument) is very helpful, but there are moments of silence and tiredness where all I can think of is "damn, I have nobody with me".
    I asked a while ago if anyone had advices on how to deal with that, and I know I'm not the only one asking, we're not the only ones asking.
    But nobody seems to have an answer..

    (I think a lobotomy is a bit too extreme, but that'd work)